quote

"There is nothing you can do about the fact that at this moment this is what you feel. Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept that this is what you feel right now?"

-Eckhart Tolle, via A New Earth

Being depressed sucks

I have been laying in bed for two hours and have no motivation to get up. If I get up it means I have to work out. It means I have to go to work. I do t want to do those things today. I want to stay home curled up in the safety of my bed.

what happens now?

last night i watched a documentary called "happy". it was really interesting and made me think a lot. something that was mentioned was how a sense of community/kinship/friendship was a primary source of happiness. it got me thinking of my own life.

i've been feeling very lonely lately. which is something i haven't really felt before. i've always been a loner. always the black sheep, the odd one out, etc. i've always been ok with that.

recently i've been wanting to meet new people. i had a difficult realization recently that i dont really have any friends that are my friends and not tony's too. i moved to this side of the state not knowing anyone. any friend that i've made before tony doesn't live here anymore (or maybe never did). and any friend i've made since tony is probably friends with tony first. i've only met one or two people without tony's influence in EIGHT years. how sad is that?!

one of the reasons we wanted to move to this side of town is because we thought we'd be closer to friends. which would in turn let us see our friends more. or get invited out more. just be closer to people in general. well that hasn't happened. which makes me wonder other things...

do our lifestyles differ so much from our friends that we dont get invited places? ie: not drinking or doing drugs, not having babies, diet, etc. are our views too different that people dont want to hang out with us?

i'm not ready to change those things about me, in order to fit in. but where in the world do you meet great people to connect with that ACTUALLY have time for a new friend? at this stage in my life, am i too old to make long lasting friendships?

not feelin it

yesterday i had to get an endoscopy. no big deal, had one before and never had any issues later. felt ok yesterday after. today i woke up and worked out and i was DYING. my throat was so scratchy and dry and on fire. i had a hard time breathing i think because i was so dry. hardly made it through my workout without feeling like i was going to pass out.

now i feel like crap mentally. i'm really tired but also restless feeling (still from yesterday under doctors orders to relax). i took the time to do my hair and makeup and i feel ugly and i hate my hair and i want to cut it off and i'm so sick of looking at my face.

yesterday i spent a good amount of time reading. when i wasn't reading i was day dreaming. about motorcycle rides, trips to an island so i can be on the beach, ice cream, camp fires, and puppies.

this winter is wearing on me already, and it's only been a month. i need to find something to do with my time...

It could only last for so long

I have been feeling sad all day today.
No reason.
Just sad. And alone maybe too.

I have been daydreaming about being on a beach. Relaxing in the sun. With my toes in the sand. It's all I want right now.

sick

i've lost ten pounds in a month. i noticed over the weekend that my smallest jeans were looking kinda baggy and they never have before. i got on the scale today and i guess now i know why.

the past couple weeks my stomach has been upset. almost constantly nauseous. and now, for the past 3 days along with the nausea i'm having severe cramping..like an ulcer pain. i get woken up hour after hour all night from the pain so i'm exhausted all the time too. actually, at this exact moment, i'm feeling ok. i have an appointment with a gastroenterologist tomorrow. knowing my luck, all my symptoms will be gone and i'll be feeling normal again before my appointment.

either way, i'm tired of these new stomach problems. i'm not sure why they are happening all of a sudden but i'm ready for it to be over!

december 12, 2012

this is the first time i have written out this date. which is sort of weird. 12.12.12....

anyway, on december 12th, i felt normal. like myself. for the first time in close to a year. it was the first day i didn't want to die. it was the first day that i laughed authentically (more than once). it was the first day that i just felt like me again.

and weird, it's been two weeks exactly since that date.

and as an update, i have still not thought about wanting to die. i am still laughing and enjoying myself as much as possible. and i am still feeling like myself.

things are still not perfect and i'm still confused and feeling lost about some things, but for the most part i feel good. and i'm moving forward. and that is what's important.

i have completely revamped my diet again. back to the no wheat/gluten/sugar thing. actually this weekend i've been having some weird stomach pains that feel like an ulcer so i've been eating plain bread and crackers because i feel like shit. so i'm hoping that will not fuck up my mood like it has in the past.

i've been pretty diligent about taking my iron and vitamin d. forgot the past couple days because i was out of town for xmas but i will get back on that tomorrow.

this is a boring post but i feel it's also important to keep track of where i am at and what i'm feeling at different times.

omegas

so i have still been researching dealing with bipolar naturally. studies recommend taking between 3-10 grams of EPA per day to lift depression. EPA is usually found only in fish oil which i will not take. i found some vegan EPA online and it of course only comes in mg. but the highest i found was 600mg which means i would have to take 5 pills to get to 3 grams and a bottle of 30 pills cost $30 so i'm looking at spending $150 a month?!! fuck, did i do the math right? i cant afford that....

i could relate

"without manic highs, the depression was unrelenting, almost paralyzing. i holed up in my office, working but not productive. there was no joy or laughter in my life. i wanted a divorce, since my husband was always "impossible" from my depressed perspective. simple tasks, like changing a lightbulb, took three weeks. i avoided friends who required too much energy. as the months dragged on, suicide entered my thoughts for the first time."

I am waking up today feeling better than I have in months. Not depressed, not manic, just the normal me.

I got 7ish hours of sleep which isn't great, but it's better than 3.

I got to see the most amazing, soulfull, beautiful musicians last night than send the most positive messages.

And tony and I decided I was going to beat this disorder naturally. Which means making a whole lot of changes. But this time I'm excited, not scared. I feel hopeful and encouraged. And I have the best support team I could ask for.

I can do this.

My life depends on it.

Your attitude towards mood swings is the most important

Everything in our world is bipolar: we have nights and days, sun and rain, mountains and valeys, winters and summers, oceans and deserts, men and women, good and evil, wars and peace, angels and demons, plus and minus is everywhere. Opposites are normal part of our world, we should accept that fact and learn how to attain balance within. We should learn how to accept all parts of ourselves, without judging, blaming ourselves, with unconditional love and respect.

torn

i am currently being faced with a difficult situation.

i was put on a mood stabilizer for my bipolar last tuesday. i have hated it. i got my dose changed after 3 days. it didn't make much better. i got every bad side effect you could get, with non of the "perks". last night (technically, this morning) i slept 3 whole hours. this is the only MS that does not make you gain weight.

i went back today to talk about my options. she gave me 3. all 3 make you gain weight (after doing some research, some say 30 lbs!!!). honestly i didn't like any of my options but i am also sick of feeling like shit. i started to get an anxiety attack and i finally said fine, you tell me the best one. she gave me an rx and i got it filled. while waiting i looked up the pros and cons. now i realize everyone is different but this one has some pretty serious cons.

part of me wants to just find a med that will "fix me" (is that even possible?) but the other part of me wants nothing to do with medicine. on top of that, doctor appointments are costing me $60/week of money that i dont even have.

cant i just wake up tomorrow and feel like my old self??

most difficult weekend ever.
just have to make it thru one more week and then i can get help.

Stupid stupid stupid

sometimes i hate myself

i have been constantly trying to remind myself that not everyone is ok with being open and honest. that just because i am being open it doesn't mean they will be open back.

unfortunately right now that just feels like rejection.

basically i thought i had a new friend and i'm sure i opened up a little too much (or at least felt like i could open up) and now they are ignoring me.

an old friend of mine confirmed that men and women cant usually be friends with one another because there is always someone having feelings for someone else. which sort of sounds ridiculous because we are fucking adults. but he says "we're all just electricity and wires and shit and hardly ever actually in control". i get it, but knowing that hurts.

plus i have another friend who seems to be avoiding me as well.

and today at work a lady said something really nasty about my hair, in regards to me doing my job. which is stupid as fuck because i'm a HAIR STYLIST so i can have whatever kind of hair i want. i just feel really judged and that feeling is the worst thing in the world for me. i cant shake it for some reason. i have never felt judged at work before (i mean, by my coworkers maybe but never my clients). it has always been my sort of "safe place" and now i dont have that anymore. which may be why i cant drop it.

happythankyoumoreplease

i wish i could find a video for this but no such luck. this is one of the sweetest scenes in a movie, ever.

• Sam #2: Okay, what're we feeling, red or white?
• Annie: Sam.
• Sam #2: Hmm.
• Annie: We need to talk.
• Sam #2: (chuckles) Uh, you mean the talk where you tell me how great I am, uh, but you can't get involved and it's not me it's you and you're damaged and you wish you could and (cough) (huck)...I refuse to have that talk. Now would you like red or would you like white?
• Annie: Sam...look, I...I'm not good for you.
• Sam #2: (stares)
• Annie: What?
• Sam #2: Are you happy?
• Annie: No I'm not happy.
• Sam #2: I could make you happy.
• Annie: (sighs)
• Sam #2: Seriously, let me love you. I am totally up to the task. Actually, I've already started.
• Annie: (gets up to leave) I can't, I can't...
• Sam #2: No no no no no, come on, don't walk out on this before we've even started, please.
• Sam #2: Look at me. I get it, okay. I get it. I'm not the guy you had in mind. But what if you don't know what's best for you?
• Annie: And you do?
• Sam #2: I believe I do.
• Annie: Where did you come from Sam #2?
• Sam #2: West Chester
• Annie: (laughs)
• Sam #2: Do you want to know why I hang out on the fifth floor? The first time I saw you...God, I thought, "Wow, her...the girl with the funny head wrap. I wanna be near that girl." Trust me, I don't normally talk this way, but I am gone over you.
• Annie: Stop. Okay, shut the fuck up.
• Sam #2: Why, why?
• Annie: Just stop, please just stop, don't say that.
• Sam #2: You can hear this... Close your eyes.
• Annie: What?
• Sam #2: I just want you to listen to me. Humor me please.
• Annie: (pauses and then with a sigh, closes her eyes)
• Sam #2: It's not easy to be adored, you in particular, you have a tougher time with it than most, I get that, but I want you to give it a try. Think of it as an experiment. I promise I will be very wonderful at adoring you Annie. It's an area where I think I've got a great deal of talent. You're worth the adoration Annie, you're worth it..and the fact that you don't believe it has nothing to do with whether it's true or not. It's true for me and that's all that matters.

also

just because i am willing to open up and be honest and forward doesn't mean that:

1. everyone/anyone will want to hear what i have to say.
2. i wont get rejected.

opening up means the chance of getting rejected. that doesn't make it wrong for me to open up, as long as i am being love. if i am putting myself out there and being the best i can be, that is not wrong.

i cried for over an hour straight yesterday. from the time i left work, all the way home, for quite some time after i got home. for weeks i have been depressed. for months, my bipolar has been out of control. there has been a lot of new things happen and without getting too much into it, i have been feeling lost. and like i'm on a roller coaster.

i decided two days ago that i was going to stop feeling sorry for myself. because that is what i've been doing lately. which makes me feel horrible. so i've been getting up in the morning and starting my old routine: study, yoga, life. there are other things i will do eventually but so far this is all i can handle. study for a half hour, yoga for a half hour. i had a long talk with tony last night about the guilt i feel because i am bipolar and have anxiety. like i am not good enough for him and like i put him through things that he doesn't need to go through because i cannot control my mind. but i did this before without medication and i will do it again. i have to. because i cant keep thinking about how i'd rather die than live.

which means i need to start taking care of myself. reminding myself that i am worthy of love and affection.

HOW THE FUCK am i almost 33 years old and still feeling like this? that is over FIFTEEN YEARS and hurt, confusion, and unhappiness. i let myself be miserable for way too long.

but it is what it is, and nothing worth having is easy. so that means i need to work. constantly. all the time. but it also means that i need to give myself space to just feel things. in the past i have gotten burnt out by keeping everything so fucking positive and making sure every day was a good day no matter what. but guess what? some days aren't going to be good and that is OK. i have to have bad days sometimes to have growth. as long as i stay on the correct path i will be ok. i have to relearn to get out of my own mind which is one of the hardest things for someone that has anxiety to do. because my mind is always going in all sorts of different directions.

now if you'll excuse me, i've got some work to do. :)

At the flip of a switch…

I will be good, all day, chillin’ and happy and getting back on track and feeling good. The smallest thing like a photo, or comment, and I’m feeling sad and sorry for myself.

Why are there certain people I obsess over? It’s getting old and I don’t know why my brain is being a creep. I either obsess over how great someone is or how much I wish I could be like someone or how much time I want to spend with someone or why isn’t this person writing me back or why does this person not want to be my friend anymore. Its coming more and more obvious that the “lone ranger” I once was is starting to crave some attention. I’m getting lonely so the first person that comes along I need need NEED. Or the people I used to hang out with all the time I am super jealous of for the dumbest shit.

Stop it! Let it go! People are busy. Just like you are sometimes. Give people space. Give yourself space. There is nothing wrong with you just fucking chill.the.fuck.out.

today is the day

i have decided i need to start taking care of myself. i need to nurture and love myself. i have neglected myself for much too long and because of it, i am depressed and worn out.

i will start slow. a small study session in the morning followed by a short yoga session. my wrist will be strong, my mind will absorb and i will dig myself out of the hole i have been in.

i am scared to leave some of my thoughts behind, even though they have done nothing for me. but i have the choice now. do i want to be depressed and sad and miserable? or do i want to be happy and charming and fun? i'll go with the latter.