birthday and wednesday.

last week was my birthday. i woke up at 6:23. i played a game of bingo on my phone and won 23rd place. went to lunch and my bill came to $23.32. my sister in law texted me at 6:23 to wish me a happy birthday...i saw (and replied) to the text at 6:32.

this number will just not leave!

a day later my coworker called me and said my ex was calling the salon trying to find out when i work. "which ex??"...long story short it was ed.. needing a favor. which was strange considering we haven't spoken in probably 7 years or so. minus the one weird awkward time we ran into each other at barnes and noble. anyway, it was interesting seeing him. i'm not sure how i feel/felt about it..i just want him to be happy.

off topic..

anyway yesterday i went to the melanoma clinic. it was a little terrifying. everything looked so different than what i've seen before. but the good news is i dont have melanoma. i have to go back next month to have a small surgery done to remove more of the area, since the cells had spread beyond what they removed first.

it's weird because i feel like i prepared myself for cancer. mentally. i was ready to take it on. as far as i was concerned i was living with cancer. so when i heard the news that i didn't have it, i was shocked. and oddly enough i was almost upset. i connected with the fact that i could be sick and now i was fine..so what was i going to do? it took me almost a full day to feel like the cancer weight had been lifted off my shoulders and now i'm feeling much better. it's amazing how powerful your mind can be!

since i didn't have to work until 5, we had extra time to kill after my appointment so we went to the holocaust memorial center. i've been wanting to go for a long time and i'm glad i finally did. it was so interesting and i learned so much. i was talking with my dad about it and we ended up in conversation about my grandpa's time in a concentration camp. it's always been hush-hush and the only thing i've known was that he was in dachau (which i was fortunate enough to visit a few years ago when i was in germany). it was nice to be able to learn more about my grandpa...since we didn't grow up in the same country i never really knew much information about him. my dad said he was there from 1940 to may 1943. can you imagine being in a concentration camp for 3 1/2 years? what a strong man...to make it out alive. i also found out WHY he was there (which i will not say here because it was uncomfortable for my dad to talk about it). he also said that he was in birkenau for part of the time as well. i have such an interesting family history and my czech side has seen so much and lived through so much that it astounds me.

a little story and some insight

about a month ago i went in for my routine skin exam where they check your body for funny spots and moles. a few spots were removed...mainly on my request for being new, irritating while shaving, etc..and one that the dr thought looked funny. a couple spots came back dysplastic. which lead to me getting a couple more spots removed. which lead to more dysplastic moles. this was the second year i had been to this particular doctor, and i didn't really like her or going there. my last visit confirmed that i did indeed need to find a new doctor. i wanted a second opinion.

around the same time i got the urge to cut all my hair off. i have been attached to this hair for so long because i've been growing it but honestly it has not caused me any happiness. i made an appt for a week later, because i did not want to just do it and regret it. plus i was pmsing and you know you are not supposed to make big decisions when you are pmsing! 

after a referral from a client, i headed over to my new doctor's office last week. she was very thorough and removed two more spots.

over the weekend, i got a new client. she told me that she usually goes to a girl at another aveda salon. her name is reanna. wow...i just made an appt with reanna to cut all my hair off....(reanna used to do my hair when it was short...before i started doing hair). during the consult with my new client she mentions she has cancer and as a result of the chemo, she has bald spots. not wanting to push the conversation further i moved along.

by the end of the haircut the cancer is brought up again. she tells me she's had melanoma. twice.

i tell her i just had a melanoma scare. but that it was nothing...just dysplastic.

she tells me a little of her story. she leaves and schedules an appt for today to get her color done.

monday at work, while waiting for a client to come in, my doc called me.

it's not being classified as melanoma YET. i have an atypical junctional melanocytic hyperplasia. according to the lab work, they think it indicated early melanoma. the cells show spreading...

i have an appointment with the u of m melanoma clinic in two weeks.

after two days of break downs and crying fits, i'm not feeling scared. not right now anyway. i more just hate being in limbo. not know for sure what's happening.

i got all my hair cut off yesterday. because i wanted to...not because i may have to get chemo and it may fall out anyway. but is that why i had such an urge to cut it off? because i needed to lose that attachment??

i have also been seeing the number "23" so often it has to mean something. in the past few weeks it was usually 10:23 (the time) but this week it has been other times of x:23, my paycheck this week was $923....my birthday is 10/23...

anyway. i'm trying to prepare myself for the worst. yes, melanoma is the worst type of skin cancer you can get. yes, it can spread to your internal organs. yes, it can cause death. however, i believe we have caught this soon enough to fight it. i am prepared for cancer. i am prepared for chemo. and i am also prepared for living.

changes.

they need to happen. and quickly.

i dont know what happened but i crashed. i've been under the weather and i dont think that is helping anything. but i need to get into a routine. why is that so fucking hard for me to do?

Pretty

Yesterday I cut a client I've had for years...he's a senior in high school now. Later in the day I cut his moms hair. When she came in, she said "when he got home he said "Lisa looks so pretty today"" which is the cutest shit ever. 

Then after thinking about it, I realized he's like, he first male that has ever used the word pretty to describe me...besides my hubby of course. 

I just never get that word as a compliment. I've never never been the "pretty" girl before. Anyway, made me feel good. Even tho he's a kid!!

on living.

i've been really trying to live lately. do the things i want to do, when i want to do them. i wont live forever, so what am i waiting for?

i have done a great job filling my days with newness. i'm still trying to find myself but at almost 34 (in a month from today) lets hope i'm almost there. just trying to be ok with where i'm at, right now, no matter what that is.

i bought a bike (moto) last week and i've been riding every day. she's beautiful and i'm so happy! it'd be nice to find some people with the same interests and who want to ride sometime. this time of year it's pretty chilly out but maybe next spring i'll get more involved. all i know is i'm hooked. from the first time i rode my dad's v star i knew.

i saw my bike in a documentary about really living...(a moto trip in the himalayan mountains in india). i wanted this bike...the style, the color... everything. after learning to ride (thanks bro!!) i check into a local dealership and they can get me my bike...and there is one left in the WHOLE WORLD. it took almost 2 weeks to be delivered and i've been on her ever since. love at first sight...

all this along with actually doing shit is making me feel happy. more confident and i feel like i'm really starting to know what really matters in life. it's not about what you have or what you wear..that's for damn sure.

and i'm also sure as shit over begging the same friends to hang out. after being turned down time and time again..what the hell am i asking for? you either want to be friends or you dont. if you do, awesome...act like it. if not, spare me this dragging out process and just cut me free. what i've realized lately is that i'm not looking for friends....i'm looking for FAMILY. and family comes in all shapes and sizes but one thing is for sure...family supports you, loves you and cares for you. no matter what.

...guess I'll go eat worms

So here I am again. Back in a depressed state. I spent the whole weekend in pjs laying around watching tv. Completely bored yet so very content.

I woke up this morning with a little more energy than I've had in weeks and I thought that was good. I got some things done around the house that I've been putting off for too long. Tried to organize a bit. Was feeling pretty good as I went into work this afternoon. It's a slow day so I did some salon organizing/cleaning. Then I spotted a list that an assistant had made. It was a list of classes she wanted from stylists at the salon. There was so many people on that list. I apparently didn't make the cut....

This offends me on more levels than I'd like to admit.

It shouldn't. Because:
1. She doesn't like me
2. I don't like her
3. I'm one of the reasons she quit (I was her boss for a while)
4. I think I'm one of the reasons she wanted to come back (I quit managing the assistants)

I could go in and on, but those reasons are besides the point. The point is...I don't feel like anyone likes me.

I know I don't always leave the best first impression, but I guess I don't know how good my second or third one is either.

I've always been a bit of a loner. But now I'm realizing that I am usually the one withdrawing.

But I'm also the one that asks people to hang out. I'm never asked to hang out. I see my friends posting on fb or ig...how they are hanging out with people...and I wonder why I didn't get invited too. Esp when it's a group of people that I know...I wonder why they don't want to hang out with me.

I feel like I'm a good person. And I'm fun. So what is it about me that no one wants anything to do with me? I feel left out. I wish I could see myself the way others see me. Because maybe I've been lying to myself all along.

Today is one of those days that its not healthy for me to be left alone.

I wish t wasn't out of town

today is one of those days i could not get out of bed when i needed to.
i was going to get up, work out, and prepare myself for my day.

i couldn't even get up.

after laying in bed for two and a half hours, i pried myself from my sheets.

i dont know why i was feeling great the other day, and like shit today.

i'm so.fucking.tired. and i'm sick of everyone telling me i look tired. i get 8-11 hours of sleep every night. there is no reason to look half dead. unless it's just because i'm getting older and that is just how i'm going to look from now on. 

bipolar

when i started having issues again with my bipolar disorder a few months back, i went through a lot to try to figure out how to get back on track again. the things i learned worked, for a while anyway, but now i've been feeling more out of control than ever. people say that you are in control of yourself but for something like bipolar disorder, i really dont think that's the case. sometimes my head takes over my whole body and i can be consciously telling myself to knock it the fuck off, and yet i'm still doing things i dont want to be doing, or feeling things i dont want to be feeling. it's an out-of-body experience that feels very frustrating because you are literally watching yourself be harmful. that hit me really hard yesterday. and i'm hoping i didn't ruin some very good friendships.

i'm dedicating today to doing some more research on healing bipolar naturally. when i changed my diet again, that helped alot, but i'm still not feeling the best. tony mentioned yesterday that maybe i was forgetting to take my vitamins, and when i look back, i have forgotten. when i was sick all last week i didn't take them once, and i have only taken them once this week. getting back on a schedule is difficult.

along with remembering to take my vitamins, i'm going to set up a daily regime that i'm going to need to follow. mentally i need to get back on track, so that will probably include some studying vedanta, meditation, and affirmations (along with continuing to work out in the morning). i'm also going to bite the bullet and buy those expensive epa omegas to help with my depression. although i dont think i'm going to do as much as they suggest because i have heard negative things about taking too much epa as well. i dont know..too much shit to figure out!

i just have to remember to tell myself to breathe. i get so wrapped up in these little things and dont stop to see the bigger picture. i have a very supportive husband that loves me, two sweet dogs that need me, a beautiful house and a job that pays me. all those other things dont matter...the fact that i'm getting older and my body/face is changing...my clothes...my shoes...etc. none of that matters!

quote

"There is nothing you can do about the fact that at this moment this is what you feel. Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept that this is what you feel right now?"

-Eckhart Tolle, via A New Earth

Being depressed sucks

I have been laying in bed for two hours and have no motivation to get up. If I get up it means I have to work out. It means I have to go to work. I do t want to do those things today. I want to stay home curled up in the safety of my bed.

what happens now?

last night i watched a documentary called "happy". it was really interesting and made me think a lot. something that was mentioned was how a sense of community/kinship/friendship was a primary source of happiness. it got me thinking of my own life.

i've been feeling very lonely lately. which is something i haven't really felt before. i've always been a loner. always the black sheep, the odd one out, etc. i've always been ok with that.

recently i've been wanting to meet new people. i had a difficult realization recently that i dont really have any friends that are my friends and not tony's too. i moved to this side of the state not knowing anyone. any friend that i've made before tony doesn't live here anymore (or maybe never did). and any friend i've made since tony is probably friends with tony first. i've only met one or two people without tony's influence in EIGHT years. how sad is that?!

one of the reasons we wanted to move to this side of town is because we thought we'd be closer to friends. which would in turn let us see our friends more. or get invited out more. just be closer to people in general. well that hasn't happened. which makes me wonder other things...

do our lifestyles differ so much from our friends that we dont get invited places? ie: not drinking or doing drugs, not having babies, diet, etc. are our views too different that people dont want to hang out with us?

i'm not ready to change those things about me, in order to fit in. but where in the world do you meet great people to connect with that ACTUALLY have time for a new friend? at this stage in my life, am i too old to make long lasting friendships?

not feelin it

yesterday i had to get an endoscopy. no big deal, had one before and never had any issues later. felt ok yesterday after. today i woke up and worked out and i was DYING. my throat was so scratchy and dry and on fire. i had a hard time breathing i think because i was so dry. hardly made it through my workout without feeling like i was going to pass out.

now i feel like crap mentally. i'm really tired but also restless feeling (still from yesterday under doctors orders to relax). i took the time to do my hair and makeup and i feel ugly and i hate my hair and i want to cut it off and i'm so sick of looking at my face.

yesterday i spent a good amount of time reading. when i wasn't reading i was day dreaming. about motorcycle rides, trips to an island so i can be on the beach, ice cream, camp fires, and puppies.

this winter is wearing on me already, and it's only been a month. i need to find something to do with my time...

It could only last for so long

I have been feeling sad all day today.
No reason.
Just sad. And alone maybe too.

I have been daydreaming about being on a beach. Relaxing in the sun. With my toes in the sand. It's all I want right now.