when i started having issues again with my bipolar disorder a few months back, i went through a lot to try to figure out how to get back on track again. the things i learned worked, for a while anyway, but now i've been feeling more out of control than ever. people say that you are in control of yourself but for something like bipolar disorder, i really dont think that's the case. sometimes my head takes over my whole body and i can be consciously telling myself to knock it the fuck off, and yet i'm still doing things i dont want to be doing, or feeling things i dont want to be feeling. it's an out-of-body experience that feels very frustrating because you are literally watching yourself be harmful. that hit me really hard yesterday. and i'm hoping i didn't ruin some very good friendships.

i'm dedicating today to doing some more research on healing bipolar naturally. when i changed my diet again, that helped alot, but i'm still not feeling the best. tony mentioned yesterday that maybe i was forgetting to take my vitamins, and when i look back, i have forgotten. when i was sick all last week i didn't take them once, and i have only taken them once this week. getting back on a schedule is difficult.

along with remembering to take my vitamins, i'm going to set up a daily regime that i'm going to need to follow. mentally i need to get back on track, so that will probably include some studying vedanta, meditation, and affirmations (along with continuing to work out in the morning). i'm also going to bite the bullet and buy those expensive epa omegas to help with my depression. although i dont think i'm going to do as much as they suggest because i have heard negative things about taking too much epa as well. i dont know..too much shit to figure out!

i just have to remember to tell myself to breathe. i get so wrapped up in these little things and dont stop to see the bigger picture. i have a very supportive husband that loves me, two sweet dogs that need me, a beautiful house and a job that pays me. all those other things dont matter...the fact that i'm getting older and my body/face is changing...my clothes...my shoes...etc. none of that matters!