birthday and wednesday.

last week was my birthday. i woke up at 6:23. i played a game of bingo on my phone and won 23rd place. went to lunch and my bill came to $23.32. my sister in law texted me at 6:23 to wish me a happy birthday...i saw (and replied) to the text at 6:32.

this number will just not leave!

a day later my coworker called me and said my ex was calling the salon trying to find out when i work. "which ex??"...long story short it was ed.. needing a favor. which was strange considering we haven't spoken in probably 7 years or so. minus the one weird awkward time we ran into each other at barnes and noble. anyway, it was interesting seeing him. i'm not sure how i feel/felt about it..i just want him to be happy.

off topic..

anyway yesterday i went to the melanoma clinic. it was a little terrifying. everything looked so different than what i've seen before. but the good news is i dont have melanoma. i have to go back next month to have a small surgery done to remove more of the area, since the cells had spread beyond what they removed first.

it's weird because i feel like i prepared myself for cancer. mentally. i was ready to take it on. as far as i was concerned i was living with cancer. so when i heard the news that i didn't have it, i was shocked. and oddly enough i was almost upset. i connected with the fact that i could be sick and now i was fine..so what was i going to do? it took me almost a full day to feel like the cancer weight had been lifted off my shoulders and now i'm feeling much better. it's amazing how powerful your mind can be!

since i didn't have to work until 5, we had extra time to kill after my appointment so we went to the holocaust memorial center. i've been wanting to go for a long time and i'm glad i finally did. it was so interesting and i learned so much. i was talking with my dad about it and we ended up in conversation about my grandpa's time in a concentration camp. it's always been hush-hush and the only thing i've known was that he was in dachau (which i was fortunate enough to visit a few years ago when i was in germany). it was nice to be able to learn more about my grandpa...since we didn't grow up in the same country i never really knew much information about him. my dad said he was there from 1940 to may 1943. can you imagine being in a concentration camp for 3 1/2 years? what a strong man...to make it out alive. i also found out WHY he was there (which i will not say here because it was uncomfortable for my dad to talk about it). he also said that he was in birkenau for part of the time as well. i have such an interesting family history and my czech side has seen so much and lived through so much that it astounds me.

a little story and some insight

about a month ago i went in for my routine skin exam where they check your body for funny spots and moles. a few spots were removed...mainly on my request for being new, irritating while shaving, etc..and one that the dr thought looked funny. a couple spots came back dysplastic. which lead to me getting a couple more spots removed. which lead to more dysplastic moles. this was the second year i had been to this particular doctor, and i didn't really like her or going there. my last visit confirmed that i did indeed need to find a new doctor. i wanted a second opinion.

around the same time i got the urge to cut all my hair off. i have been attached to this hair for so long because i've been growing it but honestly it has not caused me any happiness. i made an appt for a week later, because i did not want to just do it and regret it. plus i was pmsing and you know you are not supposed to make big decisions when you are pmsing! 

after a referral from a client, i headed over to my new doctor's office last week. she was very thorough and removed two more spots.

over the weekend, i got a new client. she told me that she usually goes to a girl at another aveda salon. her name is reanna. wow...i just made an appt with reanna to cut all my hair off....(reanna used to do my hair when it was short...before i started doing hair). during the consult with my new client she mentions she has cancer and as a result of the chemo, she has bald spots. not wanting to push the conversation further i moved along.

by the end of the haircut the cancer is brought up again. she tells me she's had melanoma. twice.

i tell her i just had a melanoma scare. but that it was nothing...just dysplastic.

she tells me a little of her story. she leaves and schedules an appt for today to get her color done.

monday at work, while waiting for a client to come in, my doc called me.

it's not being classified as melanoma YET. i have an atypical junctional melanocytic hyperplasia. according to the lab work, they think it indicated early melanoma. the cells show spreading...

i have an appointment with the u of m melanoma clinic in two weeks.

after two days of break downs and crying fits, i'm not feeling scared. not right now anyway. i more just hate being in limbo. not know for sure what's happening.

i got all my hair cut off yesterday. because i wanted to...not because i may have to get chemo and it may fall out anyway. but is that why i had such an urge to cut it off? because i needed to lose that attachment??

i have also been seeing the number "23" so often it has to mean something. in the past few weeks it was usually 10:23 (the time) but this week it has been other times of x:23, my paycheck this week was $923....my birthday is 10/23...

anyway. i'm trying to prepare myself for the worst. yes, melanoma is the worst type of skin cancer you can get. yes, it can spread to your internal organs. yes, it can cause death. however, i believe we have caught this soon enough to fight it. i am prepared for cancer. i am prepared for chemo. and i am also prepared for living.

changes.

they need to happen. and quickly.

i dont know what happened but i crashed. i've been under the weather and i dont think that is helping anything. but i need to get into a routine. why is that so fucking hard for me to do?