i tried

after a lot of thought and consideration, i decided it'd be best to get off my medication (effexor).

after an even longer time, after all the thinking and considering, i made an appointment with my doctor.

which was today.

lets just say it didn't go as planned. i explained that i was sick of having no sleep due to crazy dreams and night sweats. he said sometimes when you're on a high dose it can do that....that maybe i needed my dosage adjusted. i said i was sick of not wanting to have sex. he said he can't help with that. effexor is one of those medications that you can't just stop taking. i found that out the hard way months ago, on accident. i had forgotten to take my pill one day, and the next day i thought i was dying. i had a horrible panic attack and severe withdrawals. tony came home to me on the floor shaking and in hysterics. covered in tears and snot and drool. basically, it was not fun at all.

anyway, my doctor told me that it took a long time for me to start feeling better. that he thinks i need something to keep me even. that he's afraid if i stop taking medication completely then i will be worse off than i was before.

just sayin....


i've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind

let's face it ya'll...i've been stressin. the past few weeks i have had this indescribable pit in my gut. this uneasy feeling that i can't seem to get rid of. emotionally and internally drained. unfortuneatly i cant quite put my finger on it, so i just keep on truckin.

i thought today was my first day of feeling better, until i ended up completely overwhelmed and giving myself a mild anxiety attack. great way to start off the new year!

lets get on a positive note. christmas was good. ok really, but it's fine. i dont expect much from family get togethers anymore. :) i love them dearly but it's almost always stressful as hell. i received two of the most sweetest gifts for christmas: one, the jason mraz photography book from my mom (which i already had, but bless her, she was really thinking of me!), and two, a handmade bookmark from tony. he had cory help him make it which makes me love it that much more. two of my favorite boys! anyway, it's amazing and i love hand-made presents because they always show the most love. i feel like i can see the process of tony making it for me everytime i see it...it's really beautiful.

as for new years eve, i never plan much anymore. i dont really celebrate it like i used to. to me it's just another day. i woke up with a migraine and felt horrible about not going work because i'm sure i fucked people over but there really wasn't anything i could do about it. i'm sorry everyone! i love all of the clients i was supposed to do yesterday. after sleeping the day away i awoke around 7pm feeling a bit better. i wore sunglasses the rest of the nite. matt and hans brought over some delicious vegan pizza from a place by matt's house. they have vegan cheese and pepperoni and everything! it was so good! also helps that they put seseme seeds on the crust...mmmm! cory and janelle came over too and played some board games. it was very low key but fun and the only thing i would have changed was that rachelle didn't have to work and could come over..and of course that i didn't feel like crap. i heard somewhere that the way you spend your new years eve is the way your year will go...and i hope this year is fun and laid back and spent with people i really care about!

for christmas i also got this workout dvd...it's got some yoga and kickboxing but it really is more of a workout for your insides. mind and soul. i really enjoyed it! it was fun and different and even though it was completely cheesy, i felt really fucking good after the 80-some minute session. my body is sore and i feel a bit more free and happy so i couldn't ask for anything else.

one more day off work till i go back. i will be spending it baking my little heart out, preparing about four-dozen cupcakes for a vegan potluck that i'm going to on saturday. delicious food, and friendly people, and i'm really excited.

happy new year!