this is...

just like when you have to take a shit and you hold it in and you get a stomach ache because you wont just GO
. . . . .
it's the same as holding verbal diarrhea in.
sometimes you need to bleh bleh
all over the place.
holding shit in makes your fucking stomach hurt. you get cramps, you are in pain.
you are busy, you know, doing something...so busy that you cant take a few minutes out of your day to just sit in peace and POOP.
do you have any idea how unhealthy this is?
you. YES, YOU!
now i'm not saying you should just fucking let loose and have it spew all over. but it also isn't good to keep it all locked up.

but still, there has to be an appropriate way to dispose of such things, right??

too much thinking and not enough doing.

if i could give you a piece of my mind i would. this is supposed to sound ruff and tough
i dont think i want you to think that i could care though.

when you're sliding into first and you feel a great big burst diarrhea


hanging on..

to every little thing i can.

sometimes i wonder who the hell have i become?



out of shape

get back on it.

first of all, no one will change unless they are ready to change. so you just keep on doing what you're doing and the rest will follow. promise.

secondly, remember when you're in a pose...when it's been a while since you've been there...when you're having a hard time stretching into it. remember to b.r.e.a.t.h.e. remember how good it felt when you held on. how great it felt when you finished. just remember that it is so so good...


it's so strange

to have a dream about an old friend whom you hardly think about/communicate with. to recognize joy in their face thru a dream. to wonder if there was a reason behind seeing that joy. to wonder if you ever really let go all the way like you thought you did.


i have been doing pretty good of taking care of myself lately.

(minus the crappy eating since it was my birthday over the weekend)

i stepped down from my management position at work. i feel amazing since i did. like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. i have felt happier and more at ease since i "quit". i'm still going to be teaching but no more of the daily bs that i was dealing with before. i feel like i can be myself again. like i get along with people more. it's really really great!

i keep thinking things will slow down a bit but they never do. we have one of two more "relationship" classes, and next weekend i will be going out of town (traverse city) thanks to my lovie. a little r & r and some exploring will be fun! he will be up there too for iceman (bike race) but wont be staying with me. either way, it will be nice to get away for a little bit. and not have to worry about my every day duties! i need to start thinking of places i want to check out while i'm there. it's coming up quick!

next thing you know it will be thanksgiving and christmas! this year is going by hella fast..

t's birthday is next month. i have been having a hard time coming up with ideas for him because all he ever wants are really expensive things that i cant afford! today i was coming up with idea after idea! so that is exciting and i really need to get on this and get some things done! nothing worse than procrastinating!



two years ago today, i made a decision to change my life. see here.

a month before my 30th birthday, i vowed to take better care of myself physically. in the end, it turned out i would take better care of myself mentally and emotionally as well.

in december, after a series of events, (see here) i ended up at the yoga shelter.

in april, after more events, i ended up at life training (short comment here).

since may 2010, many things have happened. many things have changed. i disconnected from my yoga shelter family (and i do still consider them my family, although connection has been lost).

i have taken many "wrong" (what is wrong, anyway???) turns and ended up in places i never thought i'd be. i have faced ups and downs, flips and turns and inside-outs. for a long while i had abandoned what i knew and faced depression, frustration, and sadness because of it.

and now, here i am, two years after my first promise to myself. to take better care of myself. i did great for a while and horrible for a longer while. but i'm ready to get back in the game.

this week has been eye opening and many realizations have happened. and i cant just sit in the stands and expect life to be exciting and what i want.

i have one month until my 32nd birthday. and although i wont do things the same this time around, i do plan on making a promise to myself.

something i learned at life training was that i am indeed good enough. i struggle with that still but i'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself and not being happy and enjoying what i do have, because i have a lot.

so friends, from here on out i will make a promise to myself that for 30 days i will be grateful, thankful, joyful and happy. and most importantly, i will be true to myself. i am who i am for a reason.

i know that things dont happen overnight, so i must be patient with myself, but what it comes down to is i want to be happy.

i want to be happy.
which has been my original goal all along.

and i would have never gotten this far if it weren't for eric and lisa paskel. they probably dont even know it, but their words stay with me always. just because i'm not on the mat with them, doesn't mean i don't soak in their teachings.

love love


it's been a real long time again

but i've been writing more for myself.

it's been helping me clear my head a bit. usually by the end of whatever i'm writing, i'm clear and i dont feel so frustrated. so that's good.

i'm overly tired lately and i dont really know why. i wish i could catch up on sleep. i wish i could allow myself to have some fun. (esp before summer is over!!)

i wish my job wasn't so...frustrating at times.

on the upside: a week or so ago (i dont even know what day it is right now) was my one year sobriety anniversary. that was kind of exciting for me.

i dont really have much to say unfortunately. i thought i did but i think i am finally getting sleepy. (been TIRED all week cant keep my eyes open but i cant actually fall asleep!)

i'm getting the itch to get tattooed. i know what i want and where i want it. i just dont have the extra cash. i need to pay off my fucking credit card bill. that will be the death of me i swear.

i did get another raise at work (which should be on my next paycheck). every little bit helps. i just need to stop buying shoes and makeup. when did that start happening again? sheesh..

we are trying to plan two trips right now. one for xmas/jan and one for our anniversary. it's not working out so well hahah. esp now after i've thought about how much money i owe. and from here on out it's bday season and then xmas and then i will be real broke. maybe i need to get crackin on home made gifts?
nah...lets face it..at this point i dont even feel like getting into the holiday spirit (and everyone knows i'm pretty much obsessed with xmas) let alone MAKING presents for people. i feel like such a bitch but i just feel like gift carding everyone this year. and i hate that more than anything. it is what it is...

why the hell am i thinking about xmas?
i need to go to bed..



i just got back from a weekend in indy. it was probably one of the best vacations i have had. i learned so much about myself and b. he hasn't changed a bit but he has changed so much! i am truly lucky to know him and i know that no matter what either of us goes through we will keep continuing to be there for each other. i am full of gratitude and love and as long as i keep remembering the things i realized this weekend, i will be ok. i will be more than ok! it has been over ten years since we last saw each other and there is no way we are letting that happen again. we are connected souls and i know we are always together even when we are apart, but going ten years was way too long.



here is a nice write up that one of the girls posted last week about the photoshoot
here is the outside link

and her article in full:

Best use for a new corset? BOUDOIR.

So, I recently had the privilege of being part of a boudoir style photoshoot with 3 of my friends. The photographer, Bryan Mitchell, is in the process of expanding his business to include boudoir, and needed some models. Wait, you mean, I get to play dress up and look sexy in front of a camera with a bunch of my girlfriends, and in turn, have a great 1 year anniversary gift for my husband that will come free of charge in return for use of my photos? Yes please! My arm did not need to be twisted.

And instantly, as a lover of vintage pin up fashion, I KNEW I would be wearing a corset. The hard part was deciding which one! I ended out wanting to do an all black sort of a look, so I went with my black Jasmine Underbust Corset a black strapless bra, sky high heels, and these HOT fishnet stockings with lace top. The outfit really came together, and the Lisa Cressey from Agape Salon, did such a great job on my hair and make up, it really helped me to achieve the look I was going for.

I really think this is something everyone should do. By nature, I am a rather shy person, especially when it comes to stuff like this. But after a few clicks of the camera, I became very comfortable, and it was a lot of fun! My photos are “for his eyes only” but here are some of my favorite vintage pin up boudoir looks, that inspired my photoshoot! Building an outfit (or two or three) is something our staff at Versatile Corsets do best!! In fact, this is one of our FAVORITE things to do! Here are some ideas:

Bordeaux Overbust Corset

Jasmine Underbust Corset

Violet Underbust Corset

Just contact us if you would like us to help you put together an amazing outfit for a boudoir photo shoot. http://www.versatilecorsets.com


busy with photoshoots

well, i've had two shoots this week. been doing hair and makeup...then assisting the photographer. today was a big one...four girls all in one day. it was a long day; nine hours! i was nervous at first but i think i did really good. i even did an updo on a girl!! i suck at them and i made it look good! makeup was good..even got to do a more edgy look on one of the girls that's in the derby. because these are boudoir photos most makeup i do is sexy in the soft but dramatic kind of way. it was fun to do something a little different.

all i know is i am pooped and i will sleep good tonite! i miss tony already (he's in cali for work). at least i'm tired so i shouldn't have a hard time falling asleep alone....

i am so grateful for this opportunity!!



a dream come true.
he's so inspiring.
i am so glad i met him.
even if i was too chicken to say much to him.
thankfully tony was there to do the talking!!!


february was hard

i have come to some pretty big/hurtful conclusions lately. this month was extremely hard for me. there has been a lot going on and i have been forced to see things for what they really are.

sometimes i live in this little dream world where everyone is kind and loves each other and wants to help each other out. where as long as you think positively, you will have positivity back to you.

unfortunately that is just not how the world always works. my bubble has been popped, and i am left with a feeling of ick.

yes, ick. that is the only way i can describe how i feel.

i have been doubting myself for way too long. i'm sick of it. but i dont know how i can truly love myself when i'm already in this hole. i feel way too busy and overwhelmed to truly care for myself. everything that i have wanted to do i have pushed back because there are just things that need to get done.

we leave for new york in two days and i dont even feel excited. plans keep changing with that. i was supposed to go to a class at arrojo studios!!! but it got canceled yesterday. once i got ok with the fact that i planned my trip around this class and now it's not happening, i get an email this morning saying it's on. now i dont even feel like going and tony is trying to tell me to go. there has been some irritation with that.

a young family member has been outed as a junkie. not sure how long he's been using but he's much too young to have to go through this! and after he lost his cousin a few years back to a heroin overdose..it's just too much to think about. he goes into detox/rehab friday. i really hope he gets help especially for him but also because of his decisions, his mother's fiance called off the wedding (for now). it's tearing the family up. i guess it's hard to be one of those people that only learn from their own mistakes....

i asked one of my yoga "friends" about rehab because he works in a rehab facility. it has been five days and he hasn't gotten back to me. maybe the people i thought would stand by me never will.

i have been going to physical therapy for a couple weeks. he worked me hard yesterday and i am sore and feeling it today.

i am tired and feeling a bit depressed and no matter how much i sleep at night it is not enough.

also i found out my gma is not doing so good. doctors tell her she cant live on her own anymore but she doesn't want to leave the house she raised her family in. her doctor asked her what year it was and she said "2002".

i need to get back on my workout schedule. i feel chubby and i hate it.

i also got my brows tattooed finally. i will have to go back because i feel like they are just too light.

sick of this michigan winter. so waiting for spring to hit...i want to feel the breeze on my face while i ride my scooter...


seriously. i cant do this anymore. i dont know anyone or myself and i dont know how i got HERE and i wish i was not here and i am starting to sink so deep i dont know how to get up


i am not my looks! or my name, or my job, or my outfit! i am me!

i would really like to do a photo recap of 2010, but i've been so busy with other little projects that i've been putting off.

i vow to start making lists again.
and to get up early to study.
and as soon as my knee is fixed to start yoga again. (i fell down the stairs last thursday)

today i went to the campus bookstore to buy something for tony. the guy that i was dating when i met tony was working there. i saw him but basically avoided him. my knee was hurting bad and i didn't feel like getting out and i was in grubby clothes and my hair was crazy and i didn't have makeup on. at the time i was thinking "really? i see him here when i look like this?!?!"

once i left and thought about it (on accident) i almost got mad at myself for acting so silly. i go makeup-free all the time! there is nothing wrong with how i look with no make up on! and since when do i care so much about what some boy thinks? some boy that i haven't even see in 5 years! hah! it did get me thinking a little more (again, on accident) about how a month or two ago i ran into an ex and i felt good, and confident, despite the vibe i was getting from him..and how i just went about my day as if nothing disturbed it. and how different today went...and how instead of just being comfortable with who i am and what i look like, i shied away from being the happy person i am and just smiling and going on about my business.

sometimes i am so silly. but i will really ALLOW myself to just let myself be ok with my reactions to things. it is OK that i acted the way i did, because that is a part of me.

on a sort of related note, i took my medusa out. i'm not fully ready to part with it because i thought it was cute, but it has been bothering me more than not lately, and i'm sick of being worried about it. plus i sort of feel like it was trying to define me or something...i dont know of how else to describe that. either way, it needed to go...