can't wait till friday, but saturday's gonna be a bitch

i used to be a "cutter". ya know, physical pain over emotional pain, bla bla.

maybe friday will take away some of my emotional pain since i'm getting tattooed.

either way i've had an emotionally exhausting weekend.

therapy sessions are getting harder and harder. more emotional and more stripping.

thanks to the lovely kat my hair is bright again. i dont feel like messing with my camera settings but it's bright orange with some blondish and reddish pieces, along with some neon orange.

it's beautiful.

this is what i look like right now:

old, grumpy, and sorta cross-eyed?


go play at the park!

i had a weirdly emotional bike ride, but finished it off with a trip to the park.

it's amazing to feel this free..

that swing was ridiculously high off the ground. it was a bit of a challenge to jump in it!

also, i must remember to meditate in nature more often. do you even realize how amazing it is to open your eyes to this after clearing your mind and grounding yourself?

shit's bananas.

i slept like an idiot last nite.

my neck hurts. and my hips are fucking killing me. i have no clue how i'm going to be able to sit through a three hour tattoo session next week.

speaking of which, i need to bake cupcakes for aaron....

the cute reason my feet hurt:

the bag behind me says it all

i need to find something to do today. it's nice out. if you're bored, check this out.

my toes are sore

and so is my heart.

beans and rice

will probably make me fart.


why can't i get a call with good news?

my mom just called me and wanted to "update" me on what's been going on...

i guess my grandpa fell twice last week so he went to the doctor to get checked out. when he got home he fell again, this time down the stairs. so now he's got two black eyes, the side of his face is all black and blue, and his body is bruised. luckily he didn't break anything...but i guess he is in bad shape. :(


i just had the most incredible session

i feel like i have learned so much about myself in the past hour.

i talked to my therapist about my reiki/chakra cleanse. i told her of the man's silhouette and of the red elephant. she gave me information about the red elephant stuff..i have to look more into it! she taught me a healing meditation. next week she's going to teach me a grounding meditation. during the healing meditation i was brought to tears. she wanted me to figure out who the man was that i saw in my in cleanse on sunday. and i figured out it was adam. it was surreal to have that sort of epiphany. and also to realize that if i did a healing meditation i could find out so much information that may be in hiding. AND also to have him come to me during a time of need to help guide me. it's such a crazy, crazy feeling...i can't even explain it..

she also told me that i am an empath. and that i need to take other's emotions as information instead of storing them as my own. she wants me to start a journal just for her and i. she'll be giving me
homework every time i see her. next week i go twice...to jumpstart this whole process. i'm overwhelmed but also so very excited to see what's to come!



i woke up this morning covered in sweat. i had a dream that involved edzel, amanda, and rachel. i think ed was in it because erik and him were/are? friends. i met erik through ed. and since erik did my reiki yesterday. amanda and rachel are people i haven't talked to in a long time...old best friends of mine..i really never had closure with either of them. it's almost like my body was detoxing emotion and freeing myself from anything involving them. it's weird...it's a weird feeling...


feeling better

i've had a lull in my personality all week. i've been super anti-social, depressed, and just not feeling good. my friend erik and i decided to trade a haircut for a reiki/chakra clearing session. i did his cut on friday, he did my reiki today.

i've had reiki before, but it was more for body aches. today i was doing it for more of a spiritual thing. i didn't really know what to expect for several reasons, and i was a little nervous because i didn't know how i would react. erik said that sometimes people can remember things from the past and start crying and all that.

anyway, to make a long story short, i really enjoyed it. during it i felt extremely relaxed. i felt a warming in certain parts of my body and a feeling that i was detached almost; that body parts we detached as well. at the beginning i kept seeing a dark image of a man's silhouette. at the end i kept seeing silhouettes of animals...one in particular being a red elephant. i wonder if that means anything? after it i felt happy. i felt like something was lifted off my chest and i could think straight. i was relaxed and just plain feeling good.

and that feeling has continued since i got done! i'm really glad i did it. and i think i'd like to do it again.

i'm also happy because i talked to aaron today and i dont have to wait until he gets off tour to get my tattoo worked on again. i was supposed to get work done in june but i'm going in for a session at the beginning of april before he leaves for tour. i kept my june appointment in case i need it later. even if it gets done during this next session i think i may keep the june appointment and either start my left hip or get my cupcakes done! can't wait!!


bad news bears

my grandpa has cancer again. it's back in his bladder (for what, the third or fourth time?). i guess he just goes to the doctor every three months and they take out all the cancer spots they find and hope that it doesn't spread again? my mom is talking like he wont be around much longer so i guess we'll have to see. i know he is super weak and doesn't really seem to be with it anymore. it's really sad :(


i have six doctors appointments this month

not fun. a few of them are chiropractor appts, one is my normal doctor, one is my neurologist, and the one i'm most anxious over is my shrink. i start therapy on tuesday. i'm nervous but excited...she practices cognitive behaveral therapy and i'm curious to see how i react with it. i suppose i shall soon find out....

jay isn't doing so well. since thursday he's been lethargic and not really eatting. tony fed him some of frogwaard's bloodworms friday and saturday, but that's all he's eatten and it's not much. a few minutes ago he was fucking upside down in the corner of the tank, just sitting there. sounds to me like he's got swim bladder or something, but there's not really anything you can do about it. i hope he makes it...i can't bare to lose another fishy!!

when we got to mattawan last night we headed over to shawn & jen's house. he's been out of town all week and didn't feel like going out anywhere so we just chilled at their house. i stopped at the store and they didn't have any beer i like so i decided to surprise jen with a trip down memory lane...and i purchashed a bottle of strawberry boone's farm. DELISH! hahaha. i'm not used to drinking something so sweet and by the time the bottle was gone i had a mild upset stomach.

either way, we have fun playing cards and talking. jen had just bought a deck of uno cards from the flea market. they were obviously not real uno cards! they were weird feeling and really thin. there was also a blank one so i decided to make my own card. good times, good times! sometimes i really miss hanging out with my family.

and i also miss this little cutie pie! rain has gotten so cuddly and sweet i just love her! it just makes me sad that she's deaf and ends up getting hurt all the time.

it's actually really strange...she wags her tail so much and it's so forceful that she constantly splits her tail open and her white fur ends up splattered in red!

so today was alyssa's 2nd birthday. i ended up napping during cake and presents (oops!) so i have no photos. i went to their house early to give haircuts to shawn and caleb.

bless him...he's such a doll but he used to HATE me because i did hair. he was terrified of it for some reason and wouldn't come near me. shawn has always used clippers to cut his hair and recently he expressed a huge dislike for the noise of the clippers and didn't want his hair cut. last time i was in town he shockingly let me cut his hair with scissors. i didn't have mine on me so i had to use some shitty pair that my mom had lying around. it was annoying but while i was cutting his hair he wanted to look in a mirror and he kept telling me what a good job i was doing and how much he liked his hair. so fucking cute! so today was no different. he was excited because i brought a cape for him to wear. he told me he wanted to keep it for next time i cut his hair. i love my family so much!!


(things are) hopefully getting back to normal

basically, tony and i have been having some problems lately. we've spent the past month or so trying to figure something out that works. anyway, yesterday he decided to take the day off. we had a whole day date and it was really, really nice.

after pancakes for breakfast we drove to the ann arbor conservatory.

haven't been there in close to two years and it was really pretty! it was awesome to be in engulfed in warm air for a few hours!

then we stopped at zingermans for lunch. it was delicious. i looove that place. went to a couple shops, got a rino zipper pull, and on the way home stopped at the bakery for some vegan ding dongs. i wish i knew how to make the creme filling they use! it's fluffy and sticky and marshmallowy. i am going to have to try to make my own! we also found this really cool jewelry shop in ann arbor right in kerrytown. they had beautiful stones and tony bought me an amber ring. it's amazing. in fact, the whole day was amazing. it was the first time in a long time where things felt like they always used to feel. i hope that means there are more of those days to come!

i have also told tony i would look for a therapist. which is what i need to do right at this moment. i work at noon and tomorrow i work all day and i need to get it done this week. bleh. wish me luck!


right now i'm watching swingers

i haven't seen this movie in forever and everyone looks super young.

we had a good weekend..pretty much hung out with matt and rachelle. went to inn season for dinner saturday night. it was really good. i haven't been there in at least three years and it was delicious but expensive. sunday we went with them to a dinosaur museum! i love dinosaurs and it was really interesting and fun.

there was a lot of cool skeletons of lots of different prehistoric animals. there was also some other random things...like this "collage" of bugs. if you just glanced at it, it looked like some kind of artwork. but if you looked up close it was spiders and beetles and bats and butterflies and moths. it was totally creepy!
see? weird..
upstairs from the dino exhibit we went to space.
it was a good day/weekend. busy but fun. i was feeling a little weird on sunday but that does tend to happen. my moods are always up and down lately. but it was still nice to hang out with good friends!