i haven't had time to collect my thoughts.

in fact, i dont really have time right now, either.

right now i'm sitting in the living room listening to zeppelin. i dont know which thing is more uncommon...the living room internet-ing or the zeppelin. i'm glad to have wireless finally...it took a while but it's up and running. after ditching bright house completely we went with at&t wireless and no cable at all. it's been nice, really. more time to focus on important things, right?

last weekend kat and i drove almost seven hours to get to milwaukee, wisconsin. our motive was a jason mraz concert. it was one of the best weekends i've ever experienced..in so many ways. seeing jm live was more than i could have asked for, but unfortuneately left me asking for more. we checked out the bar scene, met a lot of locals, and had an all around great time. milwaukee is kind of a weird city, but i definately would consider going back. the day we left we got tattooed by greg at custom tattoo. he's really cool and laid back and likes to tell jokes. he made us comfortable and gave us both an amazing tattoo and experience. i think the only downfall of the whole trip (besides kat being scared as fuck to drive in a little snow) was the subway we stopped at for dinner on the way home. it was just north of chicago and my sandwich artist insisted that a footlong veggie sub gets six black olives, and anything more than that he'd have to charge me extra for. needless to say i'm glad i got a footlong, because it was really just all bread i had. dipshit.

a week later with my tattoo almost healed, my constant desire to listen to jm cds, and christmas around the corner, and i feel pretty damn good. looks like 29 isn't so bad after all...


my dad is hilarious

a couple weeks ago my parents came up to visit and my dad saw a list of stuff tony has to do hanging up above my office desk. he decided to modify it:


happy birthday to me

i just have to say that the week i turned 29 was one of the most memorable weeks of my life.

on my birthday, not only did tony take the day off work so we could hang out, go get brunch at seva, and go shopping in ann arbor, we also went to jackson to meet the family so we could spend dinner together. and dont forget, hans came out with us to the bar after that! i have never been to the bar on my birthday before and i didn't stay long because some plans fell through, but i will say it was cool to get free beer from the bartender just because i was born.

the rest of the weekend was busy but nice...all of it ending on sunday at my surprise birthday party. all my closest friends were there and it was seriously the sweetest thing tony could do for me.

not to mention the week before he surprised me at a party we were at and got me the most delicious vegan cake i have ever had!

i know i'm leaving out most details but it was such a good week and i just needed to remember how important my friends and family are to me.


one of the many reasons i love JM

A change IS going to come

Last year Bob Dylan compiled a song list for Starbucks’ Artist Choice Series. In addition to offering up a keen selection of country, blues, and jazz, he also supplied notes and commentary as to why he held the songs in such regard. BUT, the best part was the forward.

He wrote, "When I was asked to put together this collection of songs, I wasn't sure what to do. So I just grabbed a bunch of things I was into recently. Some people have favorite songs, but I've got songs of the minute -- songs that I'm listening to right now. And if you ask me about one of those songs a year from now, I might not even remember who did it, but at the moment it's everything to me.”

I bring this up as today’s lesson: Nothing is final. One day you’re high. The next day you’re low. You might have a funky, expressive, or awful haircut today, but soon it will grow into something else, something new and random. Maybe you grew up liking pop music and boy bands, but now you like a specific mash up of Electronic & Classical. You might decide you don’t want to smoke cigarettes anymore; that it’s just not who you are. Maybe you were a staunch republican but now have curiosities about the well-spoken and well-organized Democratic Nominee. Perhaps you were madly in love last week, but woke up today feeling comfort in solitude, without a desire to be held.

Everything is fine. Not finAL.

We tend to instantly identify with “things.” And we believe in so much, when in fact, a belief isn't known to be true. It's a hope for the truth. We hold grudges because of what someone said when we were young. We store hurtful words and replay them in our minds until we think it to be true. And some of us believe a TV commercial and think we need a faster computer, a smarter phone, a stronger pill, a more relaxed-fit jean, etc. We think that certain things, thoughts, or actions make us who we are and sometimes we become addicted to those thoughts or behaviors and then become too afraid to let them go.

I write and post a lot therefore many people assume I have every self-published word memorized or that I live these shared thoughts constantly. This is not the case. My brain doesn’t reference myself very well actually, and I’m sure I contradict myself every other day in one way or another. One day I feel like I have all the wisdom of the world and the next day my soul wears thin and I stutter just ordering ice cream.

And everything is fine.

Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of. These meanderings, rants, and blogs for instance, provide a great deal of comfort just sharing it, even though i put a part of myself on the line to be criticized or considered an ass.
Oh well, Courage is triumph of the soul is guess. and an Ass can still be of great service.

So Remember, You have the right to change your mind.

About anything.


This is not the ending.

P.S. – No doesn’t mean forever. It simply means, “Not right now.”

And on the topic of Not right now, whatever happened to you in the past is not happening now.

You will be safe behind your honest decisions and mood swings.

I promise.


we love him...we want to marry him...

my best friend gave me some of the best news i've had in a while the other day. she bought us tickets for my birthday to see jason mraz! my birthday is not until oct 23rd, and the show is not until nov 21st. but this is a truely fantastic surprise.

i've always listened to jason (yes, we are on a first name basis). and although i usually listened to it when i was in a cheery mood, because of the pop factor, i've always enjoyed his music. this last album he put out was completely different from the others. there was personal growth involved...self exploration and figuring things out. and this album came out when i was feeling the same things. things he sang about made sense to me and along with all the other things in my life, i started to feel like i was understanding things again. so for me, to see him live will be exciting and emotional.

so as of right now, the plan is for kat and i to leave after work thursday night. we'll drive to my parents house in kalamazoo area, sleep there for the night, and get up the next morning and make our way to milwaukee. we'll get there in time for exploring the city a little and checking into our hotel. for only $60 a night we get a comfy bed and aveda bath/hair products! not only that, but we will be a mere .06 miles from the venue. i think we may try to meet him...we both have these huge school-girl crushes on him. it's a little ridiculous when you see us together, talking about him. it's like we're in sixth grade again haha. saturday after we check out of the hotel, we're looking into getting tattooed (shhhh) and having a fun ride home. i kinda wish we had time to stop at chicago diner on the way! mmmmm

i think this may be the longest month of my entire life!


and it all comes back

i finally got to the feeling like my life is in order.

up until about a week ago.

shit's been blowing up like crazy. i'm starting to dig myself back into that hole that took me sooo long to get out of. i'm having a hard time breathing and i just don't know if i can save myself this time.

i would really like to have a new perspective. and someone to whisk me away from it all.


a couple things i forgot to mention

1. i got a great promotion at work. it started august 16th. i am now a level 1 stylist. which means more money and no more assisting! finally!! i'm very proud of myself for getting to this level so quickly.

2. i made a list a long time ago (maybe in beauty school?) of things i wanted to do before i died. one of the things was sing karaoke. so yeah, i sang karaoke. it was a lot of fun! tony and tim were there, and kat was on "stage" with me. along with a girl that tim is friends with. the first song was "get low" by lil jon. i think i laughed most of the time because that song is just dirty! i have never heard it before, so i didn't know the lyrics until that night. the second song was "ice ice baby" by vanilla ice. it was pretty damn good. :)

other than those things i forgot to mention in my last post, things have been good. a few weeks ago i felt like i "woke up" and i've been a much happier person.

that is all!


things suck/quick update

1. my cousin, his wife, and their two 21 year-old twin boys came to visit for the month of june. it was fun and nice to see my czech side after so many years. the last time i was in czech was 15 years ago. looks like i will be returning, finally, in 2010.

2. i have been having health problems and no one seems to know what's wrong. i go back to the doctor, again, after another series of blood tests to see if they can find some answers. so far they think i have fibromyalgia. i think that is a made-up "disease" and i have convinced myself i have leukemia.

3. i found out a couple weeks ago that i am bipolar. yippee. lets throw a party.

4. my mother and i are going to see rod stewart on wednesday. i never thought this moment would come, but now it's finally here and i dont really seem to care.

5. two close friends of ours are getting married friday. i hope it's fun and of course a good time. i'm really happy for them.

6. i have agreed to go to my 10-year high school reunion this saturday. my brother and his wife have conned me into going and now i am dreading it. what the fuck did i get myself into??

7. my best friend is in chicago for the weekend and i got a text message from her saturday nite telling me she missed me and every song she heard at the bar reminded her of me. then i got on myspace today and she wrote on her profile "so...i'm moving to chicago". must not miss me that much! i think i would feel like my heart got ripped out if she moved.

8. we bought a tempur-pedic mattress on wednesday and i am in love.



so. to make a really long story short, my bff (kat) went on a couple dates with this guy and he's a really douche bag asshole. he got in a car accident, really bad...was in a coma and everything. and her cousin's new step-sister was in the car too. she's ok. anyway, at first they said he was drunk, now they are saying he wasn't. anyway, he's in the hospital still and kat is super upset about the whole thing. she called off plans with me yesterday because of it. and today she told me she isn't going to cedar point with me in three weeks. i'm not quite sure what is going on but i know that sitting at home sulking and being upset is not the answer. i just feel lost and like i dont know what to do. i know i'm leaving a lot out but i'm just way too tired to write out the whole story. i dont know why kat is so upset over this. the guy was a jerk and she knows it. and her step-cousin is fine.
i've been thinking a lot lately that i dont understand people anymore. and i dont think i ever will.


i hate people

a couple weeks ago i got in an argument with a girl i work with, j. basically she still hasn't gotten over it. so saturday i pull my boss aside and tell her i dont know how to deal with monday because we work together. so i guess at the end of the day on saturday j went up to my boss and said she was afraid to work with me on mondays because it's just us two. she said that when we got in the argument i "poked" her or "touched" her or something. so my boss called me today saying we needed to talk.

so basically i'm getting the feeling that my boss is believing j over me. which is total bullshit because i never fucking touched her. i told my boss that yes, i did point at her, but i also pointed at myself. i also did a lot of other things with my fucking hands because i use my hands a lot every time i talk. so now my boss wants all three of us to sit down and work this out and i dont even want to. i'm fucking done. i'm sick of everyone starting rumors and i'm sick of all the people that work there that are back stabbers and liars.

will it be different at another salon? or am i just not cut out to do hair because of all the drama that comes with it? i seriously dont know what to do here. i only have one other salon i could get a job at...because i really want to stay with aveda and there aren't that many aveda salons around here. i just feel lost and hurt and confused. i want this to be over. i feel like if i go back to what i used to do, then i'm wasting $10,000 that i owe for beauty school. i just feel so fucked right now.


i need a haircut

it's not that it's gotten too long or anything. i just need a change. i cut my hawk off last month and now it's kind of a pixie but i just need a new style. maybe some new color. but i'm uninspired.

i'm two weeks late. i'm never late. well, once, but i was pregnant at the time. that was ten years ago. wow. so in ten years i have never been late.

on top of that i have been physically and mentally exhausted. i have no energy and my body is achy. i really need to go to the doctor because i feel like something is wrong.

today was beautiful. the sun was out and the weather was perfect. i only wish tony could have been home to spend it with me. i miss him! i dont see him on thursdays and fridays i dont see him until 9pm or so.

i feel like i have been so busy lately. my days on the floor at work i've been booked. which is awesome. i'm hoping that i get on full time soon. evaluations are right around the corner!

i guess other than that things are going good. i'm excited that it's finally feeling like spring. i wish i could go on a vacation soon! i have a lot going on in june so only two months away! i also wish i had some extra cash to do some summer clothes shopping. oh well...i guess i'll continue wearing the shit i already have...


today was my first non-lazy day in a really long fucking time. i did some sewing. i still got it!

this is a bag i am using to bring my lunch to work in. this way i wont have to use plastic bags and have unnecessary trash!

this one is going to be my every day work bag. my other one was super dirty so i wanted to make a new one. in the second photo, the little red pouch is for my cell phone! easy access!


sad day

dave kujawa passed away last saturday, march 22nd.

i wasn't friends with dave, but i had met him on several occasions. i know his son and girlfriend will miss him, along with hundreds of people in the detroit area. he really tried to help detroit and educate people. and i know he was a good person. it's sad to think about someone so genuine passing away so young.


i just found out he committed suicide. i know a few months ago he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia...so i guess it had something to do with that? ugh. wow.


i have become self conscious, again, after a long time of feeling great. i have no idea where it came from. i dont like it and i want it to go away!



i've been sick. for five days now. i haven't left the house. i have barely been awake long enough to eat a meal. i'm getting frustrated with being stuck here.

i have had a strange bout of jealousy lately. i'm not much of a jealous person. sure, i would get angry when tony's ex's would call during all hours of the night...but i wouldn't say i was jealous.

so i have been jealous of other girls, lately. in the past i have gotten down on myself for things...you know...i'm too fat or my skin is too broken out or i am ugly...but i haven't ever really been JEALOUS of anyone before. until now. and it's not as if i'm jealous of any one person...

the past few months i have gotten really close with a girl i work with. she is the high-maintenance version of me..the super nice version of me..the version of me that puts up with things. kathy is my "bff" and the sweetest girl in the world. we always have fun together and we get each other. and maybe because i haven't had a real bff in girl form since i was 19 i dont know how to deal with having one now. regardless, i hate the fact that i get jealous when she has other plans that don't involve me. there, i said it.

and that makes me think of two other so-called "bff"s that i have had.

kelly was my soul mate! my twin and my other half. she was kathy plus edgy and unrestricted. the girl i would do anything for. i miss her and think about her all the time. something i miss most about her was how she could either be all dolled up or just rolling out of bed and she could be confident and having a good time. if only everyone could be like that..

and rachel...i wouldn't even know where to begin. a drunken nite of me crying my eyes out she whispers that i am her best friend. i wake up in the morning and she is gone. moved to another city. much too busy for me. and then it all changed. and i still have had no closure and i wish i could.

but kathy. i know she means well but i just want her to be free. we both have walls up; unfortunately with each other too. i wish we didn't because there are so many things to find out about ourselves and maybe trusting each other long enough to let those walls down we could become what each of us needs.

i've had too much time on my hands today. thankfully i finished a book so i'll be starting a new one tomorrow. right now, i feel like i want an adventure. i need something to spark me.



yesterday tony introduced me to a new video store.

i am in love.

they have THE best selection i have ever seen in my life. anything you could ever ask for is there. i am so glad i dont have to go to family video anymore! we ended up renting '2 days in paris' and 'into the wild'. '2 days in paris' was good. the ending sort of ruined it for me though. the previews were much better than the actual movie. it was funny and highly sarcastic, but there was a lot of bickering in it and it got a little old after a while. still a decent movie. 'into the wild' has become one of my favorite movies. it was so good. everything about how that movie was made was really interesting. and then to find out that it was a true story made the movie that much better. it really made me think about things. i think it gave both me and tony a new perspective on life in general. everyone should go see it! i feel more motivated and inspired now. so hopefully i will be able to get off my ass and just DO!


the days are just dragging

i cannot wait for this weather to mellow out. the snow one day/50 degree one day back-and-forth is really wearing on me.

soon we are getting rid of our cable. we think it will motivate us to actually starting DOing things again.

i have a whole lot of fun festivals and art shows to keep us busy this spring and summer. hopefully they will all be worth going to. i guess it's what you make it..

this month i will be focusing on cardio. last month was all pilates. yesterday was my first day and i'm sore! mainly my calf area but that is to be expected since i have bad calfs.

my grandpa went to the doctor a little while ago and is in full remission! that is the best news of the year so far.

i am dying to see my family. i miss alyssa and caleb so much it hurts. they are growing up so quick without me around and i just want to play with them! soon enough...alyssa turns one this weekend so i will be going "home" the weekend after. it will be nice to see everyone and spend some time with my family.

i have been dreaming (sleeping and not) of playing soccer. it's literally killing me. i want to play so bad. i wish i had a friend here that played. or i wish my brothers lived closer and we could play on an indoor team. i dont think i could do it all alone!!

i think i will be able to pay off my credit card bill by next month. lordy, i hope so. then i can really start paying off my student loans AND saving some other money up just because. vacation money or something.

i have family from czech coming here in june. we have a lot planned and i'm excited! they will be here for almost a whole month!

ok. work time!



no one wants to cut my hair and no one wants to hang out with me. i suck.


all over the place

1. i currently have an ulcer. the entire weekend was spent laying around with a heating pad on my stomach. come to find out, the medication i take for my (period) cramps causes ulcers. yay for me. on top of that i have an entire mouth full of canker sores. i haven't done any research on this, but i'm wondering if it has to do with the stomach ulcer. canker sores are mouth ulcers. they could go hand in hand. and looking back, i think every time i've had an ulcer i've also had canker sores to accompany it.

2. i finally got to the end of the sopranos series. i know, it's been a long time since the final one aired on tv. regardless, i watched it on sunday. it was a big disappointment. to be honest i'm not sure how i feel about it...i almost feel like the entire restaurant thing was a thought...who knows.

3. i started working out last week. i'm doing pilates three times a week now. i have been feeling better already.

i'm pretty sure there was something else, but i cant think straight right now. i'm not in the mood for work. and i have a feeling it's going to be a loooong day.


finished tattoo

alright, here's my finished, healed tattoo. i think it looks pretty damn good.



three sittings and a total of seven or eight hours and my tattoo is finally done. it looks gorgeous and amazing. a complete piece of art. it seriously looks so close to the original i am amazed every time i see it. aaron ruby is a fantastic tattoo artist and i'm honored he did this piece for me. as soon as it heals maybe i'll post a photo. it's pretty swollen, red and sore still.

speaking of swollen, red and sore; my baby toe is fucked up! i dont understand because it was fine when i went to bed and now that i have woken up it is a mess. i'm not sure what happened but it really hurts.

i suppose it's time to get ready for the day. my only week day off and i have a lot of stuff i need to do, even though i'd rather sit around and relax and heal today.


family bonding

sunday we planned on having a pretty relaxed day. we had to get the mive tshirt/hoodie orders ready to be shipped but other than that we were going to do nothing. around 2pm we get a call from traci (tony's sister) asking all sorts of questions about cartilage piercings. i talked to her for a minute..and within that time she told me that her mom wanted to get her cartilage pierced. i told her that i usually go to eternal which is down the street from my house. both tony and i wanted to witness his mom getting pierced so they said they'd come pick us up.

maybe it's not that funny but i thought it was hilarious that at 51 years old, my mother-in-law wanted to get a piercing!

anyway, the night before we had all been talking about me getting a medusa piercing...i've been thinking about it for years but wasn't sure. there has been a lot of talk about it lately. so sunday tony said "maybe it's a sign!" so i decided to make it a bonding experience and get pierced with my mother-in-law.

they picked us up and we headed over to eternal. mom went first; not too bad she said! traci had decided to get an industrial so she went second. she didn't really like it hahah. she got ghost white and felt sick so the piercer, vanessa, gave her a glucose tablet. once she got some color back in her skin it was my turn. i have never had a facial piercing and i was afraid it was going to hurt like hell. tony and mom sat in there with me (traci is not one for needles hahah) as i got pierced and i gotta say, it was not bad! the worst part was when vanessa put the jewelry in it. but really, i have had no bleeding and today is the first day it's been swollen and even then it's not bad. i feel like i have had this forever.

i've always wanted to get a facial piercing. when i was much younger i wanted my labret pierced but a few years ago i really wanted a medusa. and i'm really glad i got it. i honestly dont know how long i'll keep it but for right now, it fits.


so i dont forget

yesterday i woke up and felt really disoriented and drunk almost. i couldn't really see straight or focus or anything. tony had called (which ended up waking me up) around 11 am. i never sleep that long so that was strange too. he told me to look up some symptoms online so i did. while i was online i just all of a sudden started crying. which turned to screaming. which turned to a huge panic attack. i just freaked out. i was on the floor trying to call tony and i was just completely out of control. i was really scared because i had no idea what my body was doing. tony rushed home from work and i was still on the floor..covered in snot and drool. i was so embarrassed and didn't want my husband to see me like that. after a while he calmed me down and called my doctor...it ended up being that i was having prescription drug withdrawals. i had forgotten to take my medication saturday and sunday, and it really messed me up on monday. i dont think i have ever been that scared before. i thought i was going to die. i wasn't sure if i was having something major happen to me or not. i didn't realize you could have withdrawals from a prescription.

today i'm feeling much better. my forehead hurts...almost like it's bruised. i'm a little out of it but not really bad compared to yesterday! now that i know what happens i'm going to have to be extra careful to take my medicine when i'm supposed to so that doesn't happen again!


so far, 2008 has brought many new things.

1) this blog
2) my hair color
3) a car for my husband

well, that may not be too many things. regardless, i'm glad it's a new year. 2007 was beginning to wear on me. there were many stressful events that happened; particularly at the end of the year. not saying this year has been any better! hopefully things will settle into place shortly and i will have pressure lifted off my shoulders.

i really plan on using this as a way to keep track of my thoughts and events. i figured i needed something new (no more livejournal).

ps. i have been craving fried chicken today. i need a vegan recipe!