then maybe i will figure out what i am trying to say....
love and light.
I am so sick of being judged for every thing I do.
1. I take my finances very seriously. I am no longer a compulsive shopper like I used to be. Trust that I have my shit together and I get my shit done.
2. I have blonde eyelashes….it’s not that I’m tired, it’s that I don’t have mascara on.
3. Just because it’s “wrong” for you doesn’t mean it’s “wrong” for me.
4. I eat this way because it makes me feel good. Period. I don’t care if you don’t understand or don’t agree with it. It’s not your decision what I put in my body.
5. Yes I like the taste of my green smoothies. Not only that but they give me energy and fill me up with healthy things. GET OVER IT.
I could go on and on and on but I’m choosing to stop. I need to get out of my head.
I am not perfect
but I am perfect in what I am.
last week i got a pretty decent raise at work. i have been there 4 years almost exactly. and i started out making $5.50 less than what i make now. that is more than $1/year! i would say i'm doing pretty decent. making goals and surpassing them. i've started teaching classes to the assistants/new talent stylists as well. that seems to be going good too.
my birthday was over the weekend. didn't make a big fuss of it this time around. i guess it's just not as important to me as it usually is.
i think i have discovered that i am allergic to clove oil. which sucks because i love how it smells. but ever since i stopped using it my skin cleared up (as much as it can, because honestly it gave me lots of blackheads) and i stopped getting headaches. the true test will be in a month..
ew. dexter is laying next to me and just farted...
tomorrow i will be getting a facial for the first time. i'm paying way too much money for it (esp since i can get them practically free at work) but i feel comfortable with this girl that will be doing it. i figured i would try it out...
my hair will not do what i want it to do. the color has faded to an awful color and i'm so sick of dealing with it. i hate not feeling pretty.
it has been an exhausting day..so i think i will go rest and pass out early. busy day tomorrow and the next...as the rest of the month comes to an end. this year is going by so fast, i'm sure because i've been so busy..i wouldn't mind it if the weather was crummy but it's been beautiful out. what a great fall we are having!
hoping things will slow down just a little bit!
I had a little impromptu meet and greet with Kind Lifers in the Detroit area while I was there filming Vamps. It was so nice to sit and chat with everyone. I love getting feedback about the site and learning about everyone's journey of how they got there. Kind Lifer Sheena brought naughty and yummie vegan cupcakes from Cupcake Station in Ann Arbor...the ones with the coffee flavored icing were insane.
A huge thank you to Angela, Jodi, Elizabeth, Michelle, Andree, Janet, Wendy, Sheena, Lisa and her husband Tony, Cheryl, and Diana for coming out. You were all so sweet and I really enjoyed learning a little about each of you. I look forward to seeing you on the site and I do hope you all start a Detroit area Vegan Potluck!!!
read original here
or just read below :)
Recently, I went with Kind Lifer Lisa to the Arts, Beats, and Eats festival of bands and artists in Detroit. I found one artist I loved, Urban Landscapes Pottery's Laura Macntyre and I bought 4 bowls from her.
I'm so happy because I've been meaning to buy soup bowls for two years, and now I can cross it off my list. I really like them - perfect size for nabe yaki udon from my book, or for any large soup. I was so happy to find this perfect size!
Then we went to Royal Oak, as suggested by Kind Lifer Shannon Hall who told us to go to a crepe spot What Crepe - they have vegan crepes if you ask. Our waitress was vegan too, and she recommended a crepe, filled with avocado, sundried tomatoes, asparagus, spinach, mushrooms, and an orange jalepeno sauce....delicious!!! Then we shared a crazy one with chocolate, bananas, pecans, and ice cream...we went nuts clearly! I'm not sure I ultimately made the best dessert combo - don't get me wrong, it was good....but the savory crepe was delicious and I would love to have that again and again.
Our waitress also recommended the apple pie crepe, done vegan. But Lisa and I weren't feeling apple pie. Lisa came up with an idea for blueberry agave and banana - maybe next time, since you can build your own crepes!
We both left with headaches from the sugar. It was fun for a second and I'd do it again, but maybe a crepe with strawberries, fresh bananas, and pecans, but no ice cream or chocolate - a super yummy, no-headache dessert, with maybe a tiny drizzle of agave to top it off.
Has anyone been there and had the perfect combo for a sweet crepe, or do you have any other vegan crepe combo you can recommend?
for some reason, there are a couple people that i just cant shake. they stay in my mind fairly consistently. not that i am obsessing over anything, but i have such fond memories. and of course they are people that no longer play a huge role in my life. but i just cant let them go. and dammit, sometimes i just wish i could. i feel like i hurt myself over and over. i know it's not them hurting me. it's me in my mind..
i guess the past couple days i've been thinking about why i can't shake them. so far the only thing i have been able to come up with is maybe it was the feeling i got when i was with them. i always felt so important..special...cared for and loved...like i was perfect.
but i know now that no one can MAKE you feel anything. whether it is "good" or "bad". no one can MAKE me feel loved.
i guess i just want to know i matter to people. like, really matter. i know that my family loves me and my husband thinks i'm amazing, but i still get that bit of not being good enough. i still get judged by them and sometimes i even feel taken for granted.
i know i dont normally go this route on here but i am learning to just accept all the things that i am feeling...because in the end i know these feelings are what helps me grow.
i want to feel perfect. to feel whole. and i kind of just want to have a best friend again.
i was at work today and alicia called me. which, honestly, kinda shocked me! anyway she left me a message seeing if i wanted to go to the people's art festival that i told her about. i ended up going to pick her up at her hotel. we went to PAF for an hour or so. talked a lot. went to royal oak to what crepe? which was DELICIOUS by the way. we split a savory and a sweet. it was fun hanging out and getting to know her and just talking about normal things that people talk about. she's very laid back and easy to talk to which was awesome. we talked a little about hair and salons and stuff. she said if i wanted i could come to set and watch her get her hair done. AND THEN SHE SAID I COULD DO HAIR ON THE EXTRAS!!!!
the body is such an interesting thing!
i follow alicia's blog. she's vegan and came out with a cookbook and i bought it and every since then i've been a huge fan. she is currently in detroit filming a movie. a couple weeks ago she posted something on her blog asking for helpers in detroit. originally it was food related. i wrote and said i was super interested. never heard anything back. yesterday i got an email from alicia's assistant, megan, saying that plans changed and they needed helpers to help alicia run lines/take her places/random things/etc. and that if i was still interested in helping them to let her know. so of course i emailed back and said i'd be willing to do anything. i just want to help out! i met up with megan tonite and we talked about everything. ended up chilling for about two hours. she's soo nice and fun and i cannot wait to help! she basically told me that since i'm helping out they want to help me out by having me doing things that benefit me. so if i want to be an extra, or watch hair/makeup, or anything else to just let them know. she thought maybe i could take alicia out to a restaurant i really like and stuff like that. this is insane!! so yeah, real excited to see what happens with this! she's in town till the end of september. and on sunday we are all hanging out!
last night i had a dream that i was with a little boy (my nephew?) and there were other kids his age and a little older in the street playing and looking at cars. he was curious as to what was going on and wanted to play with these boys so he just walked right over! i remember trying to stop him in the dream and ask him why he was just going to walk right over without knowing a single soul! he wasn't the least bit worried about appearing "weird" to anyone by just inviting himself over to play. and there i was, aunt lisa, trying to stop him.
in real life, kids are NEVER afraid to be who they are. they do things because they want to. without a care in the world. why, when we are adults, do we lose that sense of carefree attitude?
just somethin to think about this lovely tuesday morning!
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, The battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
2. i feel like i have been living in a dream world lately. this week, especially. i feel that things have been said or done, only to find out they were only in my head (or an actual dream).
3. last night i had a dream that involved an old best friend. we don't speak anymore. it makes me sad sometimes, but i believe it is not our time right now and i think he already knows he will be with me forever anyway.
4. sometimes i wonder why things come up in dreams. is it because something reminded you of something in real life? or is it some sort of sign? or does it not mean a damn thing?!
...instead of not working out yesterday and not feeling like working out today, i should be ok with my body wanting a break.
...instead of feeling frustrated that i haven't been able to make it to an actual yoga class in over a week because of the dogs and my schedule, i should be excited for next week when i know i'll be back on track again.
...instead of being jealous that other people are open and doing what they want i should let myself go and be free.
...instead of beating myself up over my past decisions i should relax and be ok with the fact that i am not perfect. no one is perfect. but we are all perfect where we are at right now.
i really did love it there and many times i wish i was back. i loved being with my family, staying in the family house, and living self-sufficiently and simply. i think i would lose all that i have just to go back to that. i feel the stresses of my life here are really taking it's toll and i have had a really hard time readjusting.
without getting too much into that i have a bit of info that i found interesting.
yesterday i was asked to do hair for a photoshoot. it's for a magazine that apparently gets distributed to the "rich and famous, all over the world". places like london, ny, dubai, paris, etc. i would be styling the hair for a cover shoot...and her outfit would be a body painted gown. sounds amazing and glamorous and exciting. and sure, maybe it would be kind of cool to have my craft associated with that.
i ended up turning it down. i say it's because i have to stay and watch these silly dogs (they both had surgery last week) but maybe i'm using that as an excuse. i really, honestly don't have any desire to work on things like that. being famous. having my name in the light (or my hair hah). i don't do hair to become famous. i do hair because i love it. i love to make people feel beautiful. so yes, i turned down the gig. i emailed the makeup artist and she responded with: "Worldwide exposure and magazine credits are something we all strive for."
those things are just not important to me. yes, maybe at first it'd be "cool" to say "i did the hair for that magazine cover" but that has nothing to do with ME. maybe people would be envious or whatever but what difference does that all make? me getting my work on the cover of a magazine isn't going to change anything. it wont make the world a better place, it wont make people stop using plastic bottles or plastic bags, and it certainly wont make people think before they act. and to me, those things are more important than being popular.
i guess i was just a little shocked that she said that. i strive to make my clients happy. to make them feel good about themselves. to make them leave my chair feeling confident and beautiful. period.
i spent almost a week in the woods with 100 beautiful people. learning we are all the same, that we are all one, and we all have shit to work on!
then i headed to europe for two and a half weeks. understanding my family, my husband, and myself.
it's getting late but it's been a while in blog world and just wanted to check in. photos coming as soon as i have a break from work. it's a busy month!
today was the first day my body stopped hurting enough where i could make it thru a whole yoga class. i've also been feeling very grumpy, annoyed, and disconnected. i'm constantly irritated and i've been complaining like mad.
i also feel completely invisible. well, not invisible...i don't know what to call it. for the past couple days, anyone that says anything to me..lets say a client asks me a question. the second i go to answer it, i get one word out before i'm interrupted and they start talking about themselves. it has been like this with EVERYONE lately, and it's getting frustrating.
i wish there was a quick way to detox my body of everything i've been putting in it lately. i've got to start treating myself better again. i cannot continue to feel like this!
but really, other than that things are good. i got a call from bryan at YS and he said he'd like to hire me for a couple shifts a week. they are looking into working it out with my schedule so we'll see what happens. it'd be super exciting if it worked! the salon has been super busy too. everyone getting in quickly before i leave for vacation. i can't wait!!
our postman, whom we haven't seen around since sometime in november, was murdered while trying to stop a burglary in his mother's house in detroit. i am beyond words..marcus was such a kind man. every day i saw him he would have a huge smile on his face, laughing loudly, or talking to any of the neighbors. dexter would bark at him and instead of shying away he worked with me every single time i saw him and got dexter to stop. his kindness and good energy will be missed.
i had a little gift for him with a note attached. i've had it sitting by the front door since november. i wanted to give it to him for christmas as a thank you for being so amazing and always having a smile on his face. i hope he knows how much he will be missed and how much of an impact he had on people that he met.
read the article here.
on my way home i started daydreaming about my future..me doing hair and doing office stuff at the shelter ..maybe even some desktop publishing stuff like i used to do..and feeling like my life was perfect...so perfect that i literally started getting tears in my eyes. snap out of it! i feel like everything is falling into place and i couldn't be happier. and i'm in no hurry because i know in good time the right things will happen at the right time.
then i got to thinking about how completely grateful i am for my past. with out all my ups and downs i would NOT be where i am right now. i would not be WHO i am right now. how incredible is it that everything has come to this? this very exact moment RIGHT NOW!!
Or you might just call it weird.
Either way, it helps to remember it from time to time.
And while we're at it, lisa, sometimes you have to let go, to stake your claim. Be still, to move forward. Give, to receive. Cry, to feel the joy. Pretend, to make it real. Fake it, before you make it. And sometimes, oddly enough, you must first decide to feel their love, to find it was there all along.
things haven't been great the past few weeks. my hope was renewed in a conversation i had today with my new friend bryan. he works at the yoga shelter and he is (like everyone else there) so kind and nice. he was very easy to talk to...and i did much more talking than i expected to. he also talked a lot with me. about his experience, about training..lots of things. i feel soo much better and am excited to see where training takes me. it's a little scary but i know i'm ready....
so steve is working with me to figure out a way for me to go to training bla bla bla. i wont get into the details because it's unimportant right now. i had sent him an email the other day and included my resume in it and started the email: "Ok, so the dork in me decided I would send you a copy of my resume"....
he responded: "Dork?"
it made me think about why i called myself a dork. and in turn i have realized that i did it in case he thought i was silly/weird for sending him my resume. that way, if he had any weird thoughts, then i have already called myself out and made fun of myself for being organized and trying to help this situation.
there was nothing wrong with me sending him my resume. i had perfectly good reason to. it in fact made sense for him to see it. so why did i have to make fun of myself?
it all goes back to judging myself. me being afraid of what someone else with think even though i KNOW they wont think negatively. it's really me being negative towards myself. maybe i am protecting myself?
then my thoughts scatter to how i have been judged my entire life. how i have been told how "different" and "unique" i am. that i don't act like other people my age. that i'm pretty in a different way. that i'm not like other girls. that people are surprised that someone that looks like me listens to the music i listen to. i get it! i'm fucking different! but being pushed to believe i'm an outcast has done exactly that: made me an outcast. i feel like i cannot connect with people (for the most part). granted, i am working on it....
my point is, that this is all making sense now. the pieces are coming together. i have no idea what the big picture will look like yet but i can't rush things. i am ok with where i am right now.
so instead of excusing myself for being me i just need to learn how to feel comfortable with who i am. i cannot judge myself anymore. if i have control over one person in this lifetime it's me. what i do and what i think is under my control. and i don't want to judge myself anymore.
anyway, dinner was delicious. heather and fidel made black bean soup. had a great salad, chips, hummus, and veggies. and fruit salad for dessert. i brought some GF/SF cookies and julia and zach brought chocolate covered strawberries.
we all had so much fun and great conversation! it has inspired tony and myself to start hosting dinners like this with our friends! although, it'd be easier if we had more veggie friends!
we were at ikea the other day and found this amazing table. it just looks like an end table with drawers and then each side folds out to make a big table! so we are thinking of getting that since we don't have a proper kitchen table right now. that way we can just fold it up when it's not being used, since we dont have a whole lot of room!!
steve pulled me aside after class last week and said we were gonna make it happen no matter what. we're working out the details but he said i'm on the list and i'm going.
ps. steve is the best!
Expecting "end results" - such as wealth and abundance, health and harmony, friends and laughter - in broad brush strokes, is part of the secret formula, lisa, for manifesting the life of your dreams.
Expecting your path to follow a certain route - such as writing a bestseller to accumulate wealth, having a particular someone fall in love with you, or insisting upon this idea, that diet, or the other invention to be your deliverance - is just plain messing with the cursed hows and severely limits my options... (I hate when that happens.)
Release any expectations you may have of how you think your dreams will come true, lisa, but by all means, with every fiber of your being, expect that they will, as you busy yourself enjoying who and where you already are.crazy, huh?!?!?
"true happiness - it comes from within - not from another person, or a yoga class or from Ben and Jerry's"
this is so very true.
let me lay it out on the line:
i am a good person. i am kind and caring. i only put out to others what is my greatest gift and highest power. i have great friends that love and support me for who i am. i am never judged; i am only accepted. i continue to revel in the fact that i am me and i am BEing me. i only do things which are backed by passion and love and purpose. i surround myself with love and happiness.
so after class we talked a bit more about training. steve said he'd been talking to eric about me. not exactly sure what but it doesn't matter. either way he's going to try to work with me on something so i'll be able to go.
i feel like my entire life has happened in order for me to live this moment. these moments. as i live them. looking back on things my life has always had a certain flow to it. and now that i have come up with my own beliefs i know why things have been they way they've been. my life is continuing to flow. to grow and change form but still fluidly. i'm so grateful to have had such opportunities.
since my first class i've realized that it's ok to just be me. yes, i knew this before, but it's like i had an epiphany. i've been working on just feeling and reacting how i want to. it's made a world of difference at work. normally people are so crummy. i can see people feeding off of my energy. and instead of stealing it i feel like we're exchanging. there are more smiles and hellos than there normally are. it's amazing what happens when you open yourself up!
lisa, this is your chance!
2010, Baby -
Plus, lisa, even while some things can't be undone, you can ALWAYS start anew.
steve is one of the most genuine people i've ever met. we talked for about an hour, i cried like i always do, and he gave me info about this life training in april.
i want to go soo bad.
there is no way i can afford to go.
this makes me incredibly sad.
i haven't even saved up enough money to go to europe in april. and the training is over $1000 and the weekend before i leave for europe. i guess it's just bad timing...although i will continue to pray for the universe to help me out on this one. after talking with several people today that have done the training, i am convinced it would be perfect for me.
either way, i already love class. it's tough and hot and i feel sore already! i felt alone yet connected to everyone in the class as well. and everyone that i talked to was there for the same reason. it felt so good to feel like "me too!!" i'm really glad i got over my fear and just went!
At the beginning of the year, there was lots of time with new friends, and old friends.
In march we got a chance to go to the dinosaur exhibit!
We got a new addition to the tank, rip frogwaard!
Found time to reflect and enjoy nature.
Got my favorite hair EVER.
April came and I got my motorcycle license!
Played with tare panda as much as possible. Rest in peace little one!
Bought my little scoot scoot!
In may I took a physical journey. Not knowing what I’d find but hoping it’d be good! Flew down to
While I was there I reunited with an old friend,
met my spirit guide,
and ate some of the best sushi I’ve ever had!
Shortly after I got back I found out I had developed candida. From there on out my life would be changed forever! I had to drastically change my diets and my habits. Thankfully, red pepper deli was there to save me!
Took a trip to the zoo where I admitted I had a thing for cute animal butts!
And found myself in the metro times!
Said goodbye to our favorite place, 5th ave.
Started rekindling our romance at the fireworks.
And Played with baby frogs on our anniversary.
In july we finally got around to fixing up our kitchen.
Had some fun with kickball!
And Filled our month with picnics!
August was exciting! Got to see one of my favorite musicians perform for the second time! And got some inspiration as well.
Took a family trip to the zoo!
And played in the sprinkler on the hottest day of the year!
Celebrated my nephew’s 5th birthday in an inflatable castle!
Celebrated my bff’s bday as well
Family bonding after drinks!
And a well needed trip to the beach!
And I discovered my love for yoga!!
Hanging in the nature
With my love
Landing that pose for the first time! (something I never thought I could do!)
Warming up at chilifest
My weekend of birthday celebrations!
And of course, Halloween!
In November we celebrated tony’s birthday
I got my tattoo finished
And I tried to make a pie (and failed!)
Made an incredible Thanksgiving dinner
and wished Hans a safe move, even though we were sad to see him go!
In December we put the tree up
Did some shopping
And tony built a shed!
Went home for Christmas
Got to play with our niece too!
Times got a bit rough for a while. Though out the entire year it was definitely a struggle. I lost my grandpa and miss him dearly. I quit taking my medication after horrible withdrawls, but haven't had issues since. My relationship almost ended but we came back stronger than ever.
All in all, it was a very good year!