sometimes i hate myself

i have been constantly trying to remind myself that not everyone is ok with being open and honest. that just because i am being open it doesn't mean they will be open back.

unfortunately right now that just feels like rejection.

basically i thought i had a new friend and i'm sure i opened up a little too much (or at least felt like i could open up) and now they are ignoring me.

an old friend of mine confirmed that men and women cant usually be friends with one another because there is always someone having feelings for someone else. which sort of sounds ridiculous because we are fucking adults. but he says "we're all just electricity and wires and shit and hardly ever actually in control". i get it, but knowing that hurts.

plus i have another friend who seems to be avoiding me as well.

and today at work a lady said something really nasty about my hair, in regards to me doing my job. which is stupid as fuck because i'm a HAIR STYLIST so i can have whatever kind of hair i want. i just feel really judged and that feeling is the worst thing in the world for me. i cant shake it for some reason. i have never felt judged at work before (i mean, by my coworkers maybe but never my clients). it has always been my sort of "safe place" and now i dont have that anymore. which may be why i cant drop it.



i wish i could find a video for this but no such luck. this is one of the sweetest scenes in a movie, ever.

  • Sam #2: Okay, what're we feeling, red or white?
  • Annie: Sam.
  • Sam #2: Hmm.
  • Annie: We need to talk.
  • Sam #2: (chuckles) Uh, you mean the talk where you tell me how great I am, uh, but you can't get involved and it's not me it's you and you're damaged and you wish you could and (cough) (huck)...I refuse to have that talk. Now would you like red or would you like white?
  • Annie: Sam...look, I...I'm not good for you.
  • Sam #2: (stares)
  • Annie: What?
  • Sam #2: Are you happy?
  • Annie: No I'm not happy.
  • Sam #2: I could make you happy.
  • Annie: (sighs)
  • Sam #2: Seriously, let me love you. I am totally up to the task. Actually, I've already started.
  • Annie: (gets up to leave) I can't, I can't...
  • Sam #2: No no no no no, come on, don't walk out on this before we've even started, please.
  • Sam #2: Look at me. I get it, okay. I get it. I'm not the guy you had in mind. But what if you don't know what's best for you?
  • Annie: And you do?
  • Sam #2: I believe I do.
  • Annie: Where did you come from Sam #2?
  • Sam #2: West Chester
  • Annie: (laughs)
  • Sam #2: Do you want to know why I hang out on the fifth floor? The first time I saw you...God, I thought, "Wow, her...the girl with the funny head wrap. I wanna be near that girl." Trust me, I don't normally talk this way, but I am gone over you.
  • Annie: Stop. Okay, shut the fuck up.
  • Sam #2: Why, why?
  • Annie: Just stop, please just stop, don't say that.
  • Sam #2: You can hear this... Close your eyes.
  • Annie: What?
  • Sam #2: I just want you to listen to me. Humor me please.
  • Annie: (pauses and then with a sigh, closes her eyes)
  • Sam #2: It's not easy to be adored, you in particular, you have a tougher time with it than most, I get that, but I want you to give it a try. Think of it as an experiment. I promise I will be very wonderful at adoring you Annie. It's an area where I think I've got a great deal of talent. You're worth the adoration Annie, you're worth it..and the fact that you don't believe it has nothing to do with whether it's true or not. It's true for me and that's all that matters.



just because i am willing to open up and be honest and forward doesn't mean that:

1. everyone/anyone will want to hear what i have to say.
2. i wont get rejected.

opening up means the chance of getting rejected. that doesn't make it wrong for me to open up, as long as i am being love. if i am putting myself out there and being the best i can be, that is not wrong.
i cried for over an hour straight yesterday. from the time i left work, all the way home, for quite some time after i got home. for weeks i have been depressed. for months, my bipolar has been out of control. there has been a lot of new things happen and without getting too much into it, i have been feeling lost. and like i'm on a roller coaster.

i decided two days ago that i was going to stop feeling sorry for myself. because that is what i've been doing lately. which makes me feel horrible. so i've been getting up in the morning and starting my old routine: study, yoga, life. there are other things i will do eventually but so far this is all i can handle. study for a half hour, yoga for a half hour. i had a long talk with tony last night about the guilt i feel because i am bipolar and have anxiety. like i am not good enough for him and like i put him through things that he doesn't need to go through because i cannot control my mind. but i did this before without medication and i will do it again. i have to. because i cant keep thinking about how i'd rather die than live.

which means i need to start taking care of myself. reminding myself that i am worthy of love and affection.

HOW THE FUCK am i almost 33 years old and still feeling like this? that is over FIFTEEN YEARS and hurt, confusion, and unhappiness. i let myself be miserable for way too long.

but it is what it is, and nothing worth having is easy. so that means i need to work. constantly. all the time. but it also means that i need to give myself space to just feel things. in the past i have gotten burnt out by keeping everything so fucking positive and making sure every day was a good day no matter what. but guess what? some days aren't going to be good and that is OK. i have to have bad days sometimes to have growth. as long as i stay on the correct path i will be ok. i have to relearn to get out of my own mind which is one of the hardest things for someone that has anxiety to do. because my mind is always going in all sorts of different directions.

now if you'll excuse me, i've got some work to do. :)


At the flip of a switch…

I will be good, all day, chillin’ and happy and getting back on track and feeling good. The smallest thing like a photo, or comment, and I’m feeling sad and sorry for myself.
Why are there certain people I obsess over? It’s getting old and I don’t know why my brain is being a creep. I either obsess over how great someone is or how much I wish I could be like someone or how much time I want to spend with someone or why isn’t this person writing me back or why does this person not want to be my friend anymore. Its coming more and more obvious that the “lone ranger” I once was is starting to crave some attention. I’m getting lonely so the first person that comes along I need need NEED. Or the people I used to hang out with all the time I am super jealous of for the dumbest shit.
Stop it! Let it go! People are busy. Just like you are sometimes. Give people space. Give yourself space. There is nothing wrong with you just fucking chill.the.fuck.out.

today is the day

i have decided i need to start taking care of myself. i need to nurture and love myself. i have neglected myself for much too long and because of it, i am depressed and worn out.

i will start slow. a small study session in the morning followed by a short yoga session. my wrist will be strong, my mind will absorb and i will dig myself out of the hole i have been in.

i am scared to leave some of my thoughts behind, even though they have done nothing for me. but i have the choice now. do i want to be depressed and sad and miserable? or do i want to be happy and charming and fun? i'll go with the latter.