i cried for over an hour straight yesterday. from the time i left work, all the way home, for quite some time after i got home. for weeks i have been depressed. for months, my bipolar has been out of control. there has been a lot of new things happen and without getting too much into it, i have been feeling lost. and like i'm on a roller coaster.

i decided two days ago that i was going to stop feeling sorry for myself. because that is what i've been doing lately. which makes me feel horrible. so i've been getting up in the morning and starting my old routine: study, yoga, life. there are other things i will do eventually but so far this is all i can handle. study for a half hour, yoga for a half hour. i had a long talk with tony last night about the guilt i feel because i am bipolar and have anxiety. like i am not good enough for him and like i put him through things that he doesn't need to go through because i cannot control my mind. but i did this before without medication and i will do it again. i have to. because i cant keep thinking about how i'd rather die than live.

which means i need to start taking care of myself. reminding myself that i am worthy of love and affection.

HOW THE FUCK am i almost 33 years old and still feeling like this? that is over FIFTEEN YEARS and hurt, confusion, and unhappiness. i let myself be miserable for way too long.

but it is what it is, and nothing worth having is easy. so that means i need to work. constantly. all the time. but it also means that i need to give myself space to just feel things. in the past i have gotten burnt out by keeping everything so fucking positive and making sure every day was a good day no matter what. but guess what? some days aren't going to be good and that is OK. i have to have bad days sometimes to have growth. as long as i stay on the correct path i will be ok. i have to relearn to get out of my own mind which is one of the hardest things for someone that has anxiety to do. because my mind is always going in all sorts of different directions.

now if you'll excuse me, i've got some work to do. :)

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