"There is nothing you can do about the fact that at this moment this is what you feel. Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept that this is what you feel right now?"

-Eckhart Tolle, via A New Earth

Being depressed sucks

I have been laying in bed for two hours and have no motivation to get up. If I get up it means I have to work out. It means I have to go to work. I do t want to do those things today. I want to stay home curled up in the safety of my bed.


what happens now?

last night i watched a documentary called "happy". it was really interesting and made me think a lot. something that was mentioned was how a sense of community/kinship/friendship was a primary source of happiness. it got me thinking of my own life.

i've been feeling very lonely lately. which is something i haven't really felt before. i've always been a loner. always the black sheep, the odd one out, etc. i've always been ok with that.

recently i've been wanting to meet new people. i had a difficult realization recently that i dont really have any friends that are my friends and not tony's too. i moved to this side of the state not knowing anyone. any friend that i've made before tony doesn't live here anymore (or maybe never did). and any friend i've made since tony is probably friends with tony first. i've only met one or two people without tony's influence in EIGHT years. how sad is that?!

one of the reasons we wanted to move to this side of town is because we thought we'd be closer to friends. which would in turn let us see our friends more. or get invited out more. just be closer to people in general. well that hasn't happened. which makes me wonder other things...

do our lifestyles differ so much from our friends that we dont get invited places? ie: not drinking or doing drugs, not having babies, diet, etc. are our views too different that people dont want to hang out with us?

i'm not ready to change those things about me, in order to fit in. but where in the world do you meet great people to connect with that ACTUALLY have time for a new friend? at this stage in my life, am i too old to make long lasting friendships?


not feelin it

yesterday i had to get an endoscopy. no big deal, had one before and never had any issues later. felt ok yesterday after. today i woke up and worked out and i was DYING. my throat was so scratchy and dry and on fire. i had a hard time breathing i think because i was so dry. hardly made it through my workout without feeling like i was going to pass out.

now i feel like crap mentally. i'm really tired but also restless feeling (still from yesterday under doctors orders to relax). i took the time to do my hair and makeup and i feel ugly and i hate my hair and i want to cut it off and i'm so sick of looking at my face.

yesterday i spent a good amount of time reading. when i wasn't reading i was day dreaming. about motorcycle rides, trips to an island so i can be on the beach, ice cream, camp fires, and puppies.

this winter is wearing on me already, and it's only been a month. i need to find something to do with my time...


It could only last for so long

I have been feeling sad all day today.
No reason.
Just sad. And alone maybe too.

I have been daydreaming about being on a beach. Relaxing in the sun. With my toes in the sand. It's all I want right now.