i could relate

"without manic highs, the depression was unrelenting, almost paralyzing. i holed up in my office, working but not productive. there was no joy or laughter in my life. i wanted a divorce, since my husband was always "impossible" from my depressed perspective. simple tasks, like changing a lightbulb, took three weeks. i avoided friends who required too much energy. as the months dragged on, suicide entered my thoughts for the first time."


I am waking up today feeling better than I have in months. Not depressed, not manic, just the normal me.

I got 7ish hours of sleep which isn't great, but it's better than 3.

I got to see the most amazing, soulfull, beautiful musicians last night than send the most positive messages.

And tony and I decided I was going to beat this disorder naturally. Which means making a whole lot of changes. But this time I'm excited, not scared. I feel hopeful and encouraged. And I have the best support team I could ask for.

I can do this.

My life depends on it.


Your attitude towards mood swings is the most important

Everything in our world is bipolar: we have nights and days, sun and rain, mountains and valeys, winters and summers, oceans and deserts, men and women, good and evil, wars and peace, angels and demons, plus and minus is everywhere. Opposites are normal part of our world, we should accept that fact and learn how to attain balance within. We should learn how to accept all parts of ourselves, without judging, blaming ourselves, with unconditional love and respect.


i am currently being faced with a difficult situation.

i was put on a mood stabilizer for my bipolar last tuesday. i have hated it. i got my dose changed after 3 days. it didn't make much better. i got every bad side effect you could get, with non of the "perks". last night (technically, this morning) i slept 3 whole hours. this is the only MS that does not make you gain weight.

i went back today to talk about my options. she gave me 3. all 3 make you gain weight (after doing some research, some say 30 lbs!!!). honestly i didn't like any of my options but i am also sick of feeling like shit. i started to get an anxiety attack and i finally said fine, you tell me the best one. she gave me an rx and i got it filled. while waiting i looked up the pros and cons. now i realize everyone is different but this one has some pretty serious cons.

part of me wants to just find a med that will "fix me" (is that even possible?) but the other part of me wants nothing to do with medicine. on top of that, doctor appointments are costing me $60/week of money that i dont even have.

cant i just wake up tomorrow and feel like my old self??


most difficult weekend ever.
just have to make it thru one more week and then i can get help.


Stupid stupid stupid