get out of the past

there are very few people that i have gotten close with throughout my life. most people just come and go..few leaving any residue once they leave. it's not that they didn't mean anything to me, it's just that i never got attached. the place i am right now, i realize how unhealthy it is to become attached to things. whether they are people or objects, or even places or events.

for some reason, there are a couple people that i just cant shake. they stay in my mind fairly consistently. not that i am obsessing over anything, but i have such fond memories. and of course they are people that no longer play a huge role in my life. but i just cant let them go. and dammit, sometimes i just wish i could. i feel like i hurt myself over and over. i know it's not them hurting me. it's me in my mind..

i guess the past couple days i've been thinking about why i can't shake them. so far the only thing i have been able to come up with is maybe it was the feeling i got when i was with them. i always felt so important..special...cared for and loved...like i was perfect.

but i know now that no one can MAKE you feel anything. whether it is "good" or "bad". no one can MAKE me feel loved.

i guess i just want to know i matter to people. like, really matter. i know that my family loves me and my husband thinks i'm amazing, but i still get that bit of not being good enough. i still get judged by them and sometimes i even feel taken for granted.

i know i dont normally go this route on here but i am learning to just accept all the things that i am feeling...because in the end i know these feelings are what helps me grow.

i want to feel perfect. to feel whole. and i kind of just want to have a best friend again.