i've lost ten pounds in a month. i noticed over the weekend that my smallest jeans were looking kinda baggy and they never have before. i got on the scale today and i guess now i know why.

the past couple weeks my stomach has been upset. almost constantly nauseous. and now, for the past 3 days along with the nausea i'm having severe cramping..like an ulcer pain. i get woken up hour after hour all night from the pain so i'm exhausted all the time too. actually, at this exact moment, i'm feeling ok. i have an appointment with a gastroenterologist tomorrow. knowing my luck, all my symptoms will be gone and i'll be feeling normal again before my appointment.

either way, i'm tired of these new stomach problems. i'm not sure why they are happening all of a sudden but i'm ready for it to be over!


december 12, 2012

this is the first time i have written out this date. which is sort of weird. 12.12.12....

anyway, on december 12th, i felt normal. like myself. for the first time in close to a year. it was the first day i didn't want to die. it was the first day that i laughed authentically (more than once). it was the first day that i just felt like me again.

and weird, it's been two weeks exactly since that date.

and as an update, i have still not thought about wanting to die. i am still laughing and enjoying myself as much as possible. and i am still feeling like myself.

things are still not perfect and i'm still confused and feeling lost about some things, but for the most part i feel good. and i'm moving forward. and that is what's important.

i have completely revamped my diet again. back to the no wheat/gluten/sugar thing. actually this weekend i've been having some weird stomach pains that feel like an ulcer so i've been eating plain bread and crackers because i feel like shit. so i'm hoping that will not fuck up my mood like it has in the past.

i've been pretty diligent about taking my iron and vitamin d. forgot the past couple days because i was out of town for xmas but i will get back on that tomorrow.

this is a boring post but i feel it's also important to keep track of where i am at and what i'm feeling at different times.



so i have still been researching dealing with bipolar naturally. studies recommend taking between 3-10 grams of EPA per day to lift depression. EPA is usually found only in fish oil which i will not take. i found some vegan EPA online and it of course only comes in mg. but the highest i found was 600mg which means i would have to take 5 pills to get to 3 grams and a bottle of 30 pills cost $30 so i'm looking at spending $150 a month?!! fuck, did i do the math right? i cant afford that....