sad day

dave kujawa passed away last saturday, march 22nd.

i wasn't friends with dave, but i had met him on several occasions. i know his son and girlfriend will miss him, along with hundreds of people in the detroit area. he really tried to help detroit and educate people. and i know he was a good person. it's sad to think about someone so genuine passing away so young.


i just found out he committed suicide. i know a few months ago he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia...so i guess it had something to do with that? ugh. wow.


i have become self conscious, again, after a long time of feeling great. i have no idea where it came from. i dont like it and i want it to go away!



i've been sick. for five days now. i haven't left the house. i have barely been awake long enough to eat a meal. i'm getting frustrated with being stuck here.

i have had a strange bout of jealousy lately. i'm not much of a jealous person. sure, i would get angry when tony's ex's would call during all hours of the night...but i wouldn't say i was jealous.

so i have been jealous of other girls, lately. in the past i have gotten down on myself for things...you know...i'm too fat or my skin is too broken out or i am ugly...but i haven't ever really been JEALOUS of anyone before. until now. and it's not as if i'm jealous of any one person...

the past few months i have gotten really close with a girl i work with. she is the high-maintenance version of me..the super nice version of me..the version of me that puts up with things. kathy is my "bff" and the sweetest girl in the world. we always have fun together and we get each other. and maybe because i haven't had a real bff in girl form since i was 19 i dont know how to deal with having one now. regardless, i hate the fact that i get jealous when she has other plans that don't involve me. there, i said it.

and that makes me think of two other so-called "bff"s that i have had.

kelly was my soul mate! my twin and my other half. she was kathy plus edgy and unrestricted. the girl i would do anything for. i miss her and think about her all the time. something i miss most about her was how she could either be all dolled up or just rolling out of bed and she could be confident and having a good time. if only everyone could be like that..

and rachel...i wouldn't even know where to begin. a drunken nite of me crying my eyes out she whispers that i am her best friend. i wake up in the morning and she is gone. moved to another city. much too busy for me. and then it all changed. and i still have had no closure and i wish i could.

but kathy. i know she means well but i just want her to be free. we both have walls up; unfortunately with each other too. i wish we didn't because there are so many things to find out about ourselves and maybe trusting each other long enough to let those walls down we could become what each of us needs.

i've had too much time on my hands today. thankfully i finished a book so i'll be starting a new one tomorrow. right now, i feel like i want an adventure. i need something to spark me.



yesterday tony introduced me to a new video store.

i am in love.

they have THE best selection i have ever seen in my life. anything you could ever ask for is there. i am so glad i dont have to go to family video anymore! we ended up renting '2 days in paris' and 'into the wild'. '2 days in paris' was good. the ending sort of ruined it for me though. the previews were much better than the actual movie. it was funny and highly sarcastic, but there was a lot of bickering in it and it got a little old after a while. still a decent movie. 'into the wild' has become one of my favorite movies. it was so good. everything about how that movie was made was really interesting. and then to find out that it was a true story made the movie that much better. it really made me think about things. i think it gave both me and tony a new perspective on life in general. everyone should go see it! i feel more motivated and inspired now. so hopefully i will be able to get off my ass and just DO!


the days are just dragging

i cannot wait for this weather to mellow out. the snow one day/50 degree one day back-and-forth is really wearing on me.

soon we are getting rid of our cable. we think it will motivate us to actually starting DOing things again.

i have a whole lot of fun festivals and art shows to keep us busy this spring and summer. hopefully they will all be worth going to. i guess it's what you make it..

this month i will be focusing on cardio. last month was all pilates. yesterday was my first day and i'm sore! mainly my calf area but that is to be expected since i have bad calfs.

my grandpa went to the doctor a little while ago and is in full remission! that is the best news of the year so far.

i am dying to see my family. i miss alyssa and caleb so much it hurts. they are growing up so quick without me around and i just want to play with them! soon enough...alyssa turns one this weekend so i will be going "home" the weekend after. it will be nice to see everyone and spend some time with my family.

i have been dreaming (sleeping and not) of playing soccer. it's literally killing me. i want to play so bad. i wish i had a friend here that played. or i wish my brothers lived closer and we could play on an indoor team. i dont think i could do it all alone!!

i think i will be able to pay off my credit card bill by next month. lordy, i hope so. then i can really start paying off my student loans AND saving some other money up just because. vacation money or something.

i have family from czech coming here in june. we have a lot planned and i'm excited! they will be here for almost a whole month!

ok. work time!