i've been sick. for five days now. i haven't left the house. i have barely been awake long enough to eat a meal. i'm getting frustrated with being stuck here.

i have had a strange bout of jealousy lately. i'm not much of a jealous person. sure, i would get angry when tony's ex's would call during all hours of the night...but i wouldn't say i was jealous.

so i have been jealous of other girls, lately. in the past i have gotten down on myself for things...you know...i'm too fat or my skin is too broken out or i am ugly...but i haven't ever really been JEALOUS of anyone before. until now. and it's not as if i'm jealous of any one person...

the past few months i have gotten really close with a girl i work with. she is the high-maintenance version of me..the super nice version of me..the version of me that puts up with things. kathy is my "bff" and the sweetest girl in the world. we always have fun together and we get each other. and maybe because i haven't had a real bff in girl form since i was 19 i dont know how to deal with having one now. regardless, i hate the fact that i get jealous when she has other plans that don't involve me. there, i said it.

and that makes me think of two other so-called "bff"s that i have had.

kelly was my soul mate! my twin and my other half. she was kathy plus edgy and unrestricted. the girl i would do anything for. i miss her and think about her all the time. something i miss most about her was how she could either be all dolled up or just rolling out of bed and she could be confident and having a good time. if only everyone could be like that..

and rachel...i wouldn't even know where to begin. a drunken nite of me crying my eyes out she whispers that i am her best friend. i wake up in the morning and she is gone. moved to another city. much too busy for me. and then it all changed. and i still have had no closure and i wish i could.

but kathy. i know she means well but i just want her to be free. we both have walls up; unfortunately with each other too. i wish we didn't because there are so many things to find out about ourselves and maybe trusting each other long enough to let those walls down we could become what each of us needs.

i've had too much time on my hands today. thankfully i finished a book so i'll be starting a new one tomorrow. right now, i feel like i want an adventure. i need something to spark me.

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