ohhh what is this yoga doing to me?

i feel like i'm in therapy again. hah. i guess that's not such a bad thing...

so steve is working with me to figure out a way for me to go to training bla bla bla. i wont get into the details because it's unimportant right now. i had sent him an email the other day and included my resume in it and started the email: "Ok, so the dork in me decided I would send you a copy of my resume"....

he responded: "Dork?"

it made me think about why i called myself a dork. and in turn i have realized that i did it in case he thought i was silly/weird for sending him my resume. that way, if he had any weird thoughts, then i have already called myself out and made fun of myself for being organized and trying to help this situation.

there was nothing wrong with me sending him my resume. i had perfectly good reason to. it in fact made sense for him to see it. so why did i have to make fun of myself?

it all goes back to judging myself. me being afraid of what someone else with think even though i KNOW they wont think negatively. it's really me being negative towards myself. maybe i am protecting myself?

then my thoughts scatter to how i have been judged my entire life. how i have been told how "different" and "unique" i am. that i don't act like other people my age. that i'm pretty in a different way. that i'm not like other girls. that people are surprised that someone that looks like me listens to the music i listen to. i get it! i'm fucking different! but being pushed to believe i'm an outcast has done exactly that: made me an outcast. i feel like i cannot connect with people (for the most part). granted, i am working on it....

my point is, that this is all making sense now. the pieces are coming together. i have no idea what the big picture will look like yet but i can't rush things. i am ok with where i am right now.

so instead of excusing myself for being me i just need to learn how to feel comfortable with who i am. i cannot judge myself anymore. if i have control over one person in this lifetime it's me. what i do and what i think is under my control. and i don't want to judge myself anymore.