february was hard

i have come to some pretty big/hurtful conclusions lately. this month was extremely hard for me. there has been a lot going on and i have been forced to see things for what they really are.

sometimes i live in this little dream world where everyone is kind and loves each other and wants to help each other out. where as long as you think positively, you will have positivity back to you.

unfortunately that is just not how the world always works. my bubble has been popped, and i am left with a feeling of ick.

yes, ick. that is the only way i can describe how i feel.

i have been doubting myself for way too long. i'm sick of it. but i dont know how i can truly love myself when i'm already in this hole. i feel way too busy and overwhelmed to truly care for myself. everything that i have wanted to do i have pushed back because there are just things that need to get done.

we leave for new york in two days and i dont even feel excited. plans keep changing with that. i was supposed to go to a class at arrojo studios!!! but it got canceled yesterday. once i got ok with the fact that i planned my trip around this class and now it's not happening, i get an email this morning saying it's on. now i dont even feel like going and tony is trying to tell me to go. there has been some irritation with that.

a young family member has been outed as a junkie. not sure how long he's been using but he's much too young to have to go through this! and after he lost his cousin a few years back to a heroin overdose..it's just too much to think about. he goes into detox/rehab friday. i really hope he gets help especially for him but also because of his decisions, his mother's fiance called off the wedding (for now). it's tearing the family up. i guess it's hard to be one of those people that only learn from their own mistakes....

i asked one of my yoga "friends" about rehab because he works in a rehab facility. it has been five days and he hasn't gotten back to me. maybe the people i thought would stand by me never will.

i have been going to physical therapy for a couple weeks. he worked me hard yesterday and i am sore and feeling it today.

i am tired and feeling a bit depressed and no matter how much i sleep at night it is not enough.

also i found out my gma is not doing so good. doctors tell her she cant live on her own anymore but she doesn't want to leave the house she raised her family in. her doctor asked her what year it was and she said "2002".

i need to get back on my workout schedule. i feel chubby and i hate it.

i also got my brows tattooed finally. i will have to go back because i feel like they are just too light.

sick of this michigan winter. so waiting for spring to hit...i want to feel the breeze on my face while i ride my scooter...