changes.

they need to happen. and quickly.

i dont know what happened but i crashed. i've been under the weather and i dont think that is helping anything. but i need to get into a routine. why is that so fucking hard for me to do?

Pretty

Yesterday I cut a client I've had for years...he's a senior in high school now. Later in the day I cut his moms hair. When she came in, she said "when he got home he said "Lisa looks so pretty today"" which is the cutest shit ever. 

Then after thinking about it, I realized he's like, he first male that has ever used the word pretty to describe me...besides my hubby of course. 

I just never get that word as a compliment. I've never never been the "pretty" girl before. Anyway, made me feel good. Even tho he's a kid!!

on living.

i've been really trying to live lately. do the things i want to do, when i want to do them. i wont live forever, so what am i waiting for?

i have done a great job filling my days with newness. i'm still trying to find myself but at almost 34 (in a month from today) lets hope i'm almost there. just trying to be ok with where i'm at, right now, no matter what that is.

i bought a bike (moto) last week and i've been riding every day. she's beautiful and i'm so happy! it'd be nice to find some people with the same interests and who want to ride sometime. this time of year it's pretty chilly out but maybe next spring i'll get more involved. all i know is i'm hooked. from the first time i rode my dad's v star i knew.

i saw my bike in a documentary about really living...(a moto trip in the himalayan mountains in india). i wanted this bike...the style, the color... everything. after learning to ride (thanks bro!!) i check into a local dealership and they can get me my bike...and there is one left in the WHOLE WORLD. it took almost 2 weeks to be delivered and i've been on her ever since. love at first sight...

all this along with actually doing shit is making me feel happy. more confident and i feel like i'm really starting to know what really matters in life. it's not about what you have or what you wear..that's for damn sure.

and i'm also sure as shit over begging the same friends to hang out. after being turned down time and time again..what the hell am i asking for? you either want to be friends or you dont. if you do, awesome...act like it. if not, spare me this dragging out process and just cut me free. what i've realized lately is that i'm not looking for friends....i'm looking for FAMILY. and family comes in all shapes and sizes but one thing is for sure...family supports you, loves you and cares for you. no matter what.

...guess I'll go eat worms

So here I am again. Back in a depressed state. I spent the whole weekend in pjs laying around watching tv. Completely bored yet so very content.

I woke up this morning with a little more energy than I've had in weeks and I thought that was good. I got some things done around the house that I've been putting off for too long. Tried to organize a bit. Was feeling pretty good as I went into work this afternoon. It's a slow day so I did some salon organizing/cleaning. Then I spotted a list that an assistant had made. It was a list of classes she wanted from stylists at the salon. There was so many people on that list. I apparently didn't make the cut....

This offends me on more levels than I'd like to admit.

It shouldn't. Because:
1. She doesn't like me
2. I don't like her
3. I'm one of the reasons she quit (I was her boss for a while)
4. I think I'm one of the reasons she wanted to come back (I quit managing the assistants)

I could go in and on, but those reasons are besides the point. The point is...I don't feel like anyone likes me.

I know I don't always leave the best first impression, but I guess I don't know how good my second or third one is either.

I've always been a bit of a loner. But now I'm realizing that I am usually the one withdrawing.

But I'm also the one that asks people to hang out. I'm never asked to hang out. I see my friends posting on fb or ig...how they are hanging out with people...and I wonder why I didn't get invited too. Esp when it's a group of people that I know...I wonder why they don't want to hang out with me.

I feel like I'm a good person. And I'm fun. So what is it about me that no one wants anything to do with me? I feel left out. I wish I could see myself the way others see me. Because maybe I've been lying to myself all along.

Today is one of those days that its not healthy for me to be left alone.

I wish t wasn't out of town

today is one of those days i could not get out of bed when i needed to.
i was going to get up, work out, and prepare myself for my day.

i couldn't even get up.

after laying in bed for two and a half hours, i pried myself from my sheets.

i dont know why i was feeling great the other day, and like shit today.

i'm so.fucking.tired. and i'm sick of everyone telling me i look tired. i get 8-11 hours of sleep every night. there is no reason to look half dead. unless it's just because i'm getting older and that is just how i'm going to look from now on. 

bipolar

when i started having issues again with my bipolar disorder a few months back, i went through a lot to try to figure out how to get back on track again. the things i learned worked, for a while anyway, but now i've been feeling more out of control than ever. people say that you are in control of yourself but for something like bipolar disorder, i really dont think that's the case. sometimes my head takes over my whole body and i can be consciously telling myself to knock it the fuck off, and yet i'm still doing things i dont want to be doing, or feeling things i dont want to be feeling. it's an out-of-body experience that feels very frustrating because you are literally watching yourself be harmful. that hit me really hard yesterday. and i'm hoping i didn't ruin some very good friendships.

i'm dedicating today to doing some more research on healing bipolar naturally. when i changed my diet again, that helped alot, but i'm still not feeling the best. tony mentioned yesterday that maybe i was forgetting to take my vitamins, and when i look back, i have forgotten. when i was sick all last week i didn't take them once, and i have only taken them once this week. getting back on a schedule is difficult.

along with remembering to take my vitamins, i'm going to set up a daily regime that i'm going to need to follow. mentally i need to get back on track, so that will probably include some studying vedanta, meditation, and affirmations (along with continuing to work out in the morning). i'm also going to bite the bullet and buy those expensive epa omegas to help with my depression. although i dont think i'm going to do as much as they suggest because i have heard negative things about taking too much epa as well. i dont know..too much shit to figure out!

i just have to remember to tell myself to breathe. i get so wrapped up in these little things and dont stop to see the bigger picture. i have a very supportive husband that loves me, two sweet dogs that need me, a beautiful house and a job that pays me. all those other things dont matter...the fact that i'm getting older and my body/face is changing...my clothes...my shoes...etc. none of that matters!

quote

"There is nothing you can do about the fact that at this moment this is what you feel. Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept that this is what you feel right now?"

-Eckhart Tolle, via A New Earth

Being depressed sucks

I have been laying in bed for two hours and have no motivation to get up. If I get up it means I have to work out. It means I have to go to work. I do t want to do those things today. I want to stay home curled up in the safety of my bed.

what happens now?

last night i watched a documentary called "happy". it was really interesting and made me think a lot. something that was mentioned was how a sense of community/kinship/friendship was a primary source of happiness. it got me thinking of my own life.

i've been feeling very lonely lately. which is something i haven't really felt before. i've always been a loner. always the black sheep, the odd one out, etc. i've always been ok with that.

recently i've been wanting to meet new people. i had a difficult realization recently that i dont really have any friends that are my friends and not tony's too. i moved to this side of the state not knowing anyone. any friend that i've made before tony doesn't live here anymore (or maybe never did). and any friend i've made since tony is probably friends with tony first. i've only met one or two people without tony's influence in EIGHT years. how sad is that?!

one of the reasons we wanted to move to this side of town is because we thought we'd be closer to friends. which would in turn let us see our friends more. or get invited out more. just be closer to people in general. well that hasn't happened. which makes me wonder other things...

do our lifestyles differ so much from our friends that we dont get invited places? ie: not drinking or doing drugs, not having babies, diet, etc. are our views too different that people dont want to hang out with us?

i'm not ready to change those things about me, in order to fit in. but where in the world do you meet great people to connect with that ACTUALLY have time for a new friend? at this stage in my life, am i too old to make long lasting friendships?

not feelin it

yesterday i had to get an endoscopy. no big deal, had one before and never had any issues later. felt ok yesterday after. today i woke up and worked out and i was DYING. my throat was so scratchy and dry and on fire. i had a hard time breathing i think because i was so dry. hardly made it through my workout without feeling like i was going to pass out.

now i feel like crap mentally. i'm really tired but also restless feeling (still from yesterday under doctors orders to relax). i took the time to do my hair and makeup and i feel ugly and i hate my hair and i want to cut it off and i'm so sick of looking at my face.

yesterday i spent a good amount of time reading. when i wasn't reading i was day dreaming. about motorcycle rides, trips to an island so i can be on the beach, ice cream, camp fires, and puppies.

this winter is wearing on me already, and it's only been a month. i need to find something to do with my time...

It could only last for so long

I have been feeling sad all day today.
No reason.
Just sad. And alone maybe too.

I have been daydreaming about being on a beach. Relaxing in the sun. With my toes in the sand. It's all I want right now.

sick

i've lost ten pounds in a month. i noticed over the weekend that my smallest jeans were looking kinda baggy and they never have before. i got on the scale today and i guess now i know why.

the past couple weeks my stomach has been upset. almost constantly nauseous. and now, for the past 3 days along with the nausea i'm having severe cramping..like an ulcer pain. i get woken up hour after hour all night from the pain so i'm exhausted all the time too. actually, at this exact moment, i'm feeling ok. i have an appointment with a gastroenterologist tomorrow. knowing my luck, all my symptoms will be gone and i'll be feeling normal again before my appointment.

either way, i'm tired of these new stomach problems. i'm not sure why they are happening all of a sudden but i'm ready for it to be over!

december 12, 2012

this is the first time i have written out this date. which is sort of weird. 12.12.12....

anyway, on december 12th, i felt normal. like myself. for the first time in close to a year. it was the first day i didn't want to die. it was the first day that i laughed authentically (more than once). it was the first day that i just felt like me again.

and weird, it's been two weeks exactly since that date.

and as an update, i have still not thought about wanting to die. i am still laughing and enjoying myself as much as possible. and i am still feeling like myself.

things are still not perfect and i'm still confused and feeling lost about some things, but for the most part i feel good. and i'm moving forward. and that is what's important.

i have completely revamped my diet again. back to the no wheat/gluten/sugar thing. actually this weekend i've been having some weird stomach pains that feel like an ulcer so i've been eating plain bread and crackers because i feel like shit. so i'm hoping that will not fuck up my mood like it has in the past.

i've been pretty diligent about taking my iron and vitamin d. forgot the past couple days because i was out of town for xmas but i will get back on that tomorrow.

this is a boring post but i feel it's also important to keep track of where i am at and what i'm feeling at different times.

omegas

so i have still been researching dealing with bipolar naturally. studies recommend taking between 3-10 grams of EPA per day to lift depression. EPA is usually found only in fish oil which i will not take. i found some vegan EPA online and it of course only comes in mg. but the highest i found was 600mg which means i would have to take 5 pills to get to 3 grams and a bottle of 30 pills cost $30 so i'm looking at spending $150 a month?!! fuck, did i do the math right? i cant afford that....

i could relate

"without manic highs, the depression was unrelenting, almost paralyzing. i holed up in my office, working but not productive. there was no joy or laughter in my life. i wanted a divorce, since my husband was always "impossible" from my depressed perspective. simple tasks, like changing a lightbulb, took three weeks. i avoided friends who required too much energy. as the months dragged on, suicide entered my thoughts for the first time."

I am waking up today feeling better than I have in months. Not depressed, not manic, just the normal me.

I got 7ish hours of sleep which isn't great, but it's better than 3.

I got to see the most amazing, soulfull, beautiful musicians last night than send the most positive messages.

And tony and I decided I was going to beat this disorder naturally. Which means making a whole lot of changes. But this time I'm excited, not scared. I feel hopeful and encouraged. And I have the best support team I could ask for.

I can do this.

My life depends on it.

Your attitude towards mood swings is the most important

Everything in our world is bipolar: we have nights and days, sun and rain, mountains and valeys, winters and summers, oceans and deserts, men and women, good and evil, wars and peace, angels and demons, plus and minus is everywhere. Opposites are normal part of our world, we should accept that fact and learn how to attain balance within. We should learn how to accept all parts of ourselves, without judging, blaming ourselves, with unconditional love and respect.

torn

i am currently being faced with a difficult situation.

i was put on a mood stabilizer for my bipolar last tuesday. i have hated it. i got my dose changed after 3 days. it didn't make much better. i got every bad side effect you could get, with non of the "perks". last night (technically, this morning) i slept 3 whole hours. this is the only MS that does not make you gain weight.

i went back today to talk about my options. she gave me 3. all 3 make you gain weight (after doing some research, some say 30 lbs!!!). honestly i didn't like any of my options but i am also sick of feeling like shit. i started to get an anxiety attack and i finally said fine, you tell me the best one. she gave me an rx and i got it filled. while waiting i looked up the pros and cons. now i realize everyone is different but this one has some pretty serious cons.

part of me wants to just find a med that will "fix me" (is that even possible?) but the other part of me wants nothing to do with medicine. on top of that, doctor appointments are costing me $60/week of money that i dont even have.

cant i just wake up tomorrow and feel like my old self??

most difficult weekend ever.
just have to make it thru one more week and then i can get help.