Positive thoughts

Small snag in the house plan. Would appreciate all the positive thoughts and vibes you can send. I will continue to breathe and know that everything will work itself out in the end.

Looks

It's interesting how different you can look in pictures when you are not happy compared to feeling pure bliss.

It's hard to see these things but it is necessary.

My point earlier

Was that I feel disconnected and alone. I want to change that, I do.

In fact, I want to feel the way I felt a couple years ago when I was focusing my attention on myself instead of others. Where I learned about myself and bettered myself. Where I felt good about being me.

I need that feeling back.

Which means I have alot of work to do.

forced to be alone with my thoughts.

the harsh reality is that i dont have any friends.
not any true, real friends anyway.
normally i am great with just being alone. most things that i enjoy doing, i've found, i prefer to do alone. i think i wrote in a previous blog that i really wanted a buddy to do all these things with, like exercise and shop etc. truth be told, when i work out i dont want to think about entertaining the person next to me or worry about the stupid faces i make.
and when it comes to shopping, i have a very specific way i like to shop. either we are shopping for you, or we are shopping for me. for some reason i cant split up my time between the two of us. besides, it usually ends up being more one sided (ie we shop for you when i need to be shopping for me).
i'm not talking about the wandering-the-stores thing i like to do alone. i'm talking about the there-is-an-item-i-need-do-you-want-to-come-with-me? that is what ends up being the time where the other wants to shop too and i'm just not in the mood to be in a mall or other shopping area for six hours.
some days i like to wander (which i like to do alone) and some days i like to get in and out. and yes, it would be nice to get a second opinion. but really, what do i care what someone else thinks? i will get what i like regardless.

wow. i just went on a tangent.

anyway, the rest of my list:

a share your secrets buddy.
a music buddy.
a photo buddy.
a crafting buddy.

i think i could be ok with a buddy that did those things with me.

i think part of my "problem" (for lack of a better word) is that i really do value communication. i am not one to talk just to fill empty space or to hear my own voice. part of that is because small talk is nonsense. (or maybe i dont know how to let loose and just have fun) and part of it is because of my job. i literally do small talk all day long. sure, i have a few clients that talk about things more of interest than the weather. but for the most part its nonsense jibber jabber. i dont mind it quiet when i work. i can focus more. but my favorite conversations with my clients are about their travels, the likes and dislikes, books and music, nutrition, etc. i want to know about them and not just the "i'm married and have 2 kids and a white picket fence". and that goes with everyone i encounter. lets talk. lets talk about what you like and what i like and lets hope there is a common ground there somewhere. lets talk about what you think i dont want to talk about, and i can almost guarantee i'll be interested.

sometimes when i see someone i haven't seen in a while i just love to hear about all the things they have been doing. tell me about a bike ride adventure you took last week. tell me about the cool building downtown you found. or the band you saw last night. about your job that you love/hate. i love to learn about PEOPLE.

wow this is really off topic.

my original issue right now is i'm bored. normally on my day off i have doctors appointments, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, etc to do. so much that i cant even sit down for a second. today i have nothing. i drove down the street to see the doc about my toe and that appointment was about 2 minutes and the drive was about the same. SO NOW WHAT?!?! i have no one to call. no one to hang out with.
shit, i deleted my facebook page weeks ago and no one has even noticed. how stupid. relying on fb to provide some sort of security. when all it ever does is give me a feeling of shit. no one ever cares about anything i write on there.

ok. i'm done.

aint no party like a time lord party

shits crazy up in here.
put an offer on our dream house yesterday.
WE WILL HAVE IT!

it's beautiful and perfect and i'm so excited.
but exhausted.

got an offer on our house a couple weeks ago too. everything is moving along just fine..

i've been having stomach problems like whoa. for 2 weeks. partially cuz i dont have the time/energy to cook. partially cuz i'm stressed. partially cuz i am 3 weeks overdue for a colonic. friday!!!

i've been paying off my billz and saving money like crazy and living off nothing. only a few more months to go..then i probably have to start all over cuz of needing things for the new house!!!

craving a tattoo session but that wont happen for a long time.

driving to toronto in april to see ben howard! so stoked about this. show just sold out! wish we could relax and stay longer but work calls.

i guess that's it! send positive vibes to the universe about our new house!!!

too much going on

i could use a vacation with t.
somewhere on a beach.
somewhere there is lots of yummy vegan food.
somewhere cheap.
somewhere warm!

i am currently "recovering" from minor toe surgery. both feet. last week i got my right foot. yesterday i got my left. righty was REAL sore yesterday. lefty is still, weirdly enough, numb-ish today.

i luckily (minus that my paycheck will be low) dont have anyone at work until 545 today and it is two back to back cuts so i am leaving right after i'm done.

i had to buy sandals yesterday from target that are open toe and easy to get on. thankfully they put out summer stuff in the middle of winter!!!

house is officially on the market. our realtors came over yesterday and met with us to sign the papers. i have a good feeling now. like this is meant to happen. like we are meant to find our new home NOW instead of later. granted we have months of hassle to go through because we are doing a short sale but at least we know what we are getting into. i just have to remember to take each day as it is, to remember to breathe, and to have some faith that everything will work itself out.

i need to remember to buy a little safe. asap!!!
so much to be done!

:(

how do they days change so much? things on sunday seemed so good and positive and i was turning stuff around. now today they feel like shit.
first things first-i did not get pre-approved for a mortgage.
because of this i feel a little defeated.
i have been forced to ask my parents to co-sign.
i dont like asking for help.
again, i feel defeated.

since i found that out, i feel like it's just been a domino effect of bullshit that i cannot deal with and i'm stressing like crazy.

i wish i had a buddy

a workout buddy.
a share your secrets buddy.
a shopping buddy.
a music buddy.
a photo buddy.
a crafting buddy.

dont get me wrong-tony is g.r.e.a.t. but i want a girl in my life that i can share with. someone that doesn't judge me. someone that is enough like me that we have lots in common but enough not like me that we challenge each other in a good way.

i just want a girl to connect with that wants to be FRIENDS with me.
instead of feeling used or shut out or judged.

depressed

lets try to fill a void.
get online-gap, etsy, sephora...
nothing i want.
nothing i need.
nothing i even like.
play a game.
play another game.
do an online puzzle.
check my email.
nothing is fulfilling.
3 yummy meals
still hungry.
craving ice cream from sweet earth.
too far away to get it.
took a long bath.
felt relaxed but still
not
fulfilled.

loving this so much

this is...

just like when you have to take a shit and you hold it in and you get a stomach ache because you wont just GO
. . . . .
it's the same as holding verbal diarrhea in.
sometimes you need to bleh bleh
BLEH
all over the place.
holding shit in makes your fucking stomach hurt. you get cramps, you are in pain.
you are busy, you know, doing something...so busy that you cant take a few minutes out of your day to just sit in peace and POOP.
do you have any idea how unhealthy this is?
you. YES, YOU!
now i'm not saying you should just fucking let loose and have it spew all over. but it also isn't good to keep it all locked up.

but still, there has to be an appropriate way to dispose of such things, right??

too much thinking and not enough doing.

if i could give you a piece of my mind i would. this is supposed to sound ruff and tough
i dont think i want you to think that i could care though.

when you're sliding into first and you feel a great big burst diarrhea

di.
a.
rrhe.
a.

hanging on..

to every little thing i can.

sometimes i wonder who the hell have i become?

LET IT GO!

out of shape

get back on it.

first of all, no one will change unless they are ready to change. so you just keep on doing what you're doing and the rest will follow. promise.

secondly, remember when you're in a pose...when it's been a while since you've been there...when you're having a hard time stretching into it. remember to b.r.e.a.t.h.e. remember how good it felt when you held on. how great it felt when you finished. just remember that it is so so good...

it's so strange

to have a dream about an old friend whom you hardly think about/communicate with. to recognize joy in their face thru a dream. to wonder if there was a reason behind seeing that joy. to wonder if you ever really let go all the way like you thought you did.

i have been doing pretty good of taking care of myself lately.

(minus the crappy eating since it was my birthday over the weekend)

i stepped down from my management position at work. i feel amazing since i did. like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. i have felt happier and more at ease since i "quit". i'm still going to be teaching but no more of the daily bs that i was dealing with before. i feel like i can be myself again. like i get along with people more. it's really really great!

i keep thinking things will slow down a bit but they never do. we have one of two more "relationship" classes, and next weekend i will be going out of town (traverse city) thanks to my lovie. a little r & r and some exploring will be fun! he will be up there too for iceman (bike race) but wont be staying with me. either way, it will be nice to get away for a little bit. and not have to worry about my every day duties! i need to start thinking of places i want to check out while i'm there. it's coming up quick!

next thing you know it will be thanksgiving and christmas! this year is going by hella fast..

t's birthday is next month. i have been having a hard time coming up with ideas for him because all he ever wants are really expensive things that i cant afford! today i was coming up with idea after idea! so that is exciting and i really need to get on this and get some things done! nothing worse than procrastinating!

two

two years ago today, i made a decision to change my life. see here.

a month before my 30th birthday, i vowed to take better care of myself physically. in the end, it turned out i would take better care of myself mentally and emotionally as well.

in december, after a series of events, (see here) i ended up at the yoga shelter.

in april, after more events, i ended up at life training (short comment here).

since may 2010, many things have happened. many things have changed. i disconnected from my yoga shelter family (and i do still consider them my family, although connection has been lost).

i have taken many "wrong" (what is wrong, anyway???) turns and ended up in places i never thought i'd be. i have faced ups and downs, flips and turns and inside-outs. for a long while i had abandoned what i knew and faced depression, frustration, and sadness because of it.

and now, here i am, two years after my first promise to myself. to take better care of myself. i did great for a while and horrible for a longer while. but i'm ready to get back in the game.

this week has been eye opening and many realizations have happened. and i cant just sit in the stands and expect life to be exciting and what i want.

i have one month until my 32nd birthday. and although i wont do things the same this time around, i do plan on making a promise to myself.

something i learned at life training was that i am indeed good enough. i struggle with that still but i'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself and not being happy and enjoying what i do have, because i have a lot.

so friends, from here on out i will make a promise to myself that for 30 days i will be grateful, thankful, joyful and happy. and most importantly, i will be true to myself. i am who i am for a reason.

i know that things dont happen overnight, so i must be patient with myself, but what it comes down to is i want to be happy.

i want to be happy.
which has been my original goal all along.

and i would have never gotten this far if it weren't for eric and lisa paskel. they probably dont even know it, but their words stay with me always. just because i'm not on the mat with them, doesn't mean i don't soak in their teachings.

love love

it's been a real long time again

but i've been writing more for myself.

it's been helping me clear my head a bit. usually by the end of whatever i'm writing, i'm clear and i dont feel so frustrated. so that's good.

i'm overly tired lately and i dont really know why. i wish i could catch up on sleep. i wish i could allow myself to have some fun. (esp before summer is over!!)

i wish my job wasn't so...frustrating at times.

on the upside: a week or so ago (i dont even know what day it is right now) was my one year sobriety anniversary. that was kind of exciting for me.

i dont really have much to say unfortunately. i thought i did but i think i am finally getting sleepy. (been TIRED all week cant keep my eyes open but i cant actually fall asleep!)

i'm getting the itch to get tattooed. i know what i want and where i want it. i just dont have the extra cash. i need to pay off my fucking credit card bill. that will be the death of me i swear.

i did get another raise at work (which should be on my next paycheck). every little bit helps. i just need to stop buying shoes and makeup. when did that start happening again? sheesh..

we are trying to plan two trips right now. one for xmas/jan and one for our anniversary. it's not working out so well hahah. esp now after i've thought about how much money i owe. and from here on out it's bday season and then xmas and then i will be real broke. maybe i need to get crackin on home made gifts?
nah...lets face it..at this point i dont even feel like getting into the holiday spirit (and everyone knows i'm pretty much obsessed with xmas) let alone MAKING presents for people. i feel like such a bitch but i just feel like gift carding everyone this year. and i hate that more than anything. it is what it is...

why the hell am i thinking about xmas?
i need to go to bed..

indy

i just got back from a weekend in indy. it was probably one of the best vacations i have had. i learned so much about myself and b. he hasn't changed a bit but he has changed so much! i am truly lucky to know him and i know that no matter what either of us goes through we will keep continuing to be there for each other. i am full of gratitude and love and as long as i keep remembering the things i realized this weekend, i will be ok. i will be more than ok! it has been over ten years since we last saw each other and there is no way we are letting that happen again. we are connected souls and i know we are always together even when we are apart, but going ten years was way too long.

writeup

here is a nice write up that one of the girls posted last week about the photoshoot
here is the outside link

and her article in full:

Best use for a new corset? BOUDOIR.

Posted on April 1, 2011 by admin

So, I recently had the privilege of being part of a boudoir style photoshoot with 3 of my friends. The photographer, Bryan Mitchell, is in the process of expanding his business to include boudoir, and needed some models. Wait, you mean, I get to play dress up and look sexy in front of a camera with a bunch of my girlfriends, and in turn, have a great 1 year anniversary gift for my husband that will come free of charge in return for use of my photos? Yes please! My arm did not need to be twisted.

And instantly, as a lover of vintage pin up fashion, I KNEW I would be wearing a corset. The hard part was deciding which one! I ended out wanting to do an all black sort of a look, so I went with my black Jasmine Underbust Corset a black strapless bra, sky high heels, and these HOT fishnet stockings with lace top. The outfit really came together, and the Lisa Cressey from Agape Salon, did such a great job on my hair and make up, it really helped me to achieve the look I was going for.

I really think this is something everyone should do. By nature, I am a rather shy person, especially when it comes to stuff like this. But after a few clicks of the camera, I became very comfortable, and it was a lot of fun! My photos are “for his eyes only” but here are some of my favorite vintage pin up boudoir looks, that inspired my photoshoot! Building an outfit (or two or three) is something our staff at Versatile Corsets do best!! In fact, this is one of our FAVORITE things to do! Here are some ideas:

Bordeaux Overbust Corset

Jasmine Underbust Corset

Violet Underbust Corset

Just contact us if you would like us to help you put together an amazing outfit for a boudoir photo shoot. http://www.versatilecorsets.com

busy with photoshoots

well, i've had two shoots this week. been doing hair and makeup...then assisting the photographer. today was a big one...four girls all in one day. it was a long day; nine hours! i was nervous at first but i think i did really good. i even did an updo on a girl!! i suck at them and i made it look good! makeup was good..even got to do a more edgy look on one of the girls that's in the derby. because these are boudoir photos most makeup i do is sexy in the soft but dramatic kind of way. it was fun to do something a little different.

all i know is i am pooped and i will sleep good tonite! i miss tony already (he's in cali for work). at least i'm tired so i shouldn't have a hard time falling asleep alone....

i am so grateful for this opportunity!!