forced to be alone with my thoughts.

the harsh reality is that i dont have any friends.
not any true, real friends anyway.
normally i am great with just being alone. most things that i enjoy doing, i've found, i prefer to do alone. i think i wrote in a previous blog that i really wanted a buddy to do all these things with, like exercise and shop etc. truth be told, when i work out i dont want to think about entertaining the person next to me or worry about the stupid faces i make.
and when it comes to shopping, i have a very specific way i like to shop. either we are shopping for you, or we are shopping for me. for some reason i cant split up my time between the two of us. besides, it usually ends up being more one sided (ie we shop for you when i need to be shopping for me).
i'm not talking about the wandering-the-stores thing i like to do alone. i'm talking about the there-is-an-item-i-need-do-you-want-to-come-with-me? that is what ends up being the time where the other wants to shop too and i'm just not in the mood to be in a mall or other shopping area for six hours.
some days i like to wander (which i like to do alone) and some days i like to get in and out. and yes, it would be nice to get a second opinion. but really, what do i care what someone else thinks? i will get what i like regardless.

wow. i just went on a tangent.

anyway, the rest of my list:

a share your secrets buddy.
a music buddy.
a photo buddy.
a crafting buddy.

i think i could be ok with a buddy that did those things with me.

i think part of my "problem" (for lack of a better word) is that i really do value communication. i am not one to talk just to fill empty space or to hear my own voice. part of that is because small talk is nonsense. (or maybe i dont know how to let loose and just have fun) and part of it is because of my job. i literally do small talk all day long. sure, i have a few clients that talk about things more of interest than the weather. but for the most part its nonsense jibber jabber. i dont mind it quiet when i work. i can focus more. but my favorite conversations with my clients are about their travels, the likes and dislikes, books and music, nutrition, etc. i want to know about them and not just the "i'm married and have 2 kids and a white picket fence". and that goes with everyone i encounter. lets talk. lets talk about what you like and what i like and lets hope there is a common ground there somewhere. lets talk about what you think i dont want to talk about, and i can almost guarantee i'll be interested.

sometimes when i see someone i haven't seen in a while i just love to hear about all the things they have been doing. tell me about a bike ride adventure you took last week. tell me about the cool building downtown you found. or the band you saw last night. about your job that you love/hate. i love to learn about PEOPLE.

wow this is really off topic.

my original issue right now is i'm bored. normally on my day off i have doctors appointments, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, etc to do. so much that i cant even sit down for a second. today i have nothing. i drove down the street to see the doc about my toe and that appointment was about 2 minutes and the drive was about the same. SO NOW WHAT?!?! i have no one to call. no one to hang out with.
shit, i deleted my facebook page weeks ago and no one has even noticed. how stupid. relying on fb to provide some sort of security. when all it ever does is give me a feeling of shit. no one ever cares about anything i write on there.

ok. i'm done.

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