zoo animals

in case you didn't know, all photos get bigger if you click on them.

note to self:

stop. looking at the internet. when you're fuckin bored.

it does more harm than good.

seriously, STOP!

going to cedar point for the weekend!

i feel really great today!

that is all.

i just had to share it.

:D

more later!

seein red

i had a weird dream with deer last nite. and i've seen several images of deer lately as well...

"when deer show up in your life it is time to be gentle with yourself and others. a new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened or born. there is going to be a gentle, enticing lure of new adventures. ask yourself important questions. are you trying to force things? are others? are you being too critical and uncaring of yourself? when deer show up there is an opportunity to express gentle love that will open new doors to adventure for you."

and the animals are always red. first the elephant, then the frog, and now the deer. i find that interesting...

update

this is how i feel about the past weekend :)


was very busy this weekend, but in a good way. we had a bbq, we went to a bbq, got to hang out with good friends that i wish i could see more and good friends that i haven't seen in a long time.

tried out red pepper deli in northville (delicious raw food) while on a picnic. got nori rolls and the raw tacos. so fucking good!


he's so handsome


went to the detroit zoo and hung out with some animals i dont usually spend time with. i'll post photos after i go through them.

fell in love with irises...and will hopefully soon plant some in the yard! probably photos for some of those too...they had a whole section of irises at the zoo and there were colors i have never seen before and i loved them all.

watched a beautiful, beautiful movie called bella. the actors were all beautiful, along with the storyline and cinematography...i seriously loved everything about this movie. which does not happen very often.

i only work two days this week and i have the weekend off because i'm going to cedar point. it'll be nice to spend the weekend with my family and get to have fun on the roller coasters!

picture post

i was going through my wedding photos to look for something to rasterbate for our living room wall. it is currently blank because we did some re-arranging and wanted something new but i've been too lazy to create something. anyway, i look at my wedding photos and i hardly recognize the person in them. it's been almost two years since then and i can't believe how much i have changed.

i dont ever remember seeing this photo but for some reason i like it:


in the end, this is the image i rasterbated: (i hope it turns out cool)

this is what i look like today: (i absolutely looove my new hair color)


and my new green eyeshadow:


breakfast every morning:

fin.

this made me giggle all the way home

imagine me. little ole me (i know i'm not little but i feel little when i wear a sun dress). riding home from work on my cute little baby blue scoot scoot. in my cute little white helmet. in a cute little pink and white and blue sun dress. minding my own business. stopped at a red light. all of a sudden SURROUNDED by a pack of huge biker dudes. waiting patiently at the red light that lasts forever. them revving their big-bike engines. me feeling tiny in my dress (who wears a dress on a bike??). seriously, completely, 100% surrounded by big motorcycles! and little ole me, right smack dab in the middle.

it made me giggle..you should too!

sometimes i really hate thinking of titles

i dont ever, ever, ever watch tv. we got rid of our cable months ago and it has been heaven. no more relying on filling empty space with junk. no more wasting precious time with useless crap.

jason mraz was supposed to be on american idol tonite. i was real excited. then i saw it. and it sucked.

end of story. hah. and then someone died.

:/

in other news, i had a shitty day. it ended well, with awesome end-of-the-day clients, lots of cash, and a refreshing scoot ride home.

on the way to work i had a small wardrobe malfunction. it was super nice out and i wanted to wear a dress to work. but i also wanted to ride my scooter. so i opted for this cute little number:

sorry for the awesome quality. i didn't feel like taking a thousand photos to get something great. this will have to do. anyway, this is one of my favorite belts. it's black satin and looks like a cumberbund. normally i just tie it in a bow and i'm good for the day! well, apparently if you are riding a scooter the wind will untie your belt while you are driving. i almost lost my belt! luckily i grabbed it just as it was coming off! needless to say, i felt like an idiot. i then had to pull over and re-tie my belt with a knot so i could finish my ride to work.

PS. i fully take back what i said about jason mraz's performance on american idol.

rant

i have a problem.
sometimes the internet is the devil.
or maybe my curiosity/boredom is the devil.


i think i'm finding out who my "real" friends are.
which, sadly, is not that many.
everyone else are just fair-weather friends.
and that makes me sad.


could people STOP playing games with me?!
wtf.

lets think positive here

i got so wrapped up in the shitty stuff this week that i totally just remembered i bought jason mraz tickets! he's finally coming to detroit and i cant fucking wait!!!

also, i heart my family.

couple more zoo photos

day four

of my yeast free diet.

blows.

i'm craving shit i haven't had in years.

my body hurts so bad that i have a hard time sitting/standing up.

i have terrible cold/allergy symptoms like whoa. and i'm exhausted.

i miss bread.

i miss beer.

i miss feeling full.

blehh

i started crying at the grocery store while trying to find something to eat for this diet.
the vitamins alone are going to make me broke.

i wish vitamins were covered by insurance!

i have to stop thinking about food like i live for it. or else i will never get past this frustration.

i haven't meditated since i've been back from florida. i feel out of whack.


my spirit guide is an elephant. this guy walked right over to me while at the zoo from across his area. stayed and hung out for almost ten minutes! i wish i could go back to that...

positive thinking

i got a colonic this morning.
i have candida (allergy to yeast).
my life is changing rapidly..

i feel stressed out and too busy..

deep breath, right?


this little baby was born this year. cutie, no?

florida top ten (in no particular order)

1. being able to relax
2. laying on the beach
3. seeing adam for the first time in almost five years
4. going to the zoo
5. meeting adam's friends
6. drinking beer when i wanted
7. mellow mushroom
8. reading constantly
9. sushi
10. feeling free

worst thing about my florida trip?

burnt feet!

back to reality

florida was awesome. it was exactly what i needed. i had a great time by myself, with adam, and with the locals. i'm exhausted and dont feel like getting into details but i'm so glad i got to go when i did. as glad as i am to be home, in my own bed, i miss florida, and i miss adam! and i for sure miss the weather. really? coming back to cold and rain?! bleh.

now that's a genuine smile right thur

TODAY IS THE DAY!

finished reading the secret! (i was skeptical at first but it was fucking good)

aveda is hosting a contest where you can win a free trip to nyc, for a class with a master colorist, includes the cost of the class, airfare, hotel, plus almost $800. i'm the only one from work trying to win it. i've been busting my ass to get all the services in that i needed! when i got into work today, all i had to get was two moisture treatment add-ons. i said "i'm getting them both today" and guess what?! i got both of them today! so i have to get my form signed tomorrow saying i did everything, and i have to send in my sheet and i am going to win that fucking trip!

right after i told everyone the news, a girl at work handed me an envelope, with my paycheck! i didn't even realize today was payday!

on top of all that, i sealed some more florida plans!

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT!!

i will feel better

it's been about a week since i have taken my effexor.
unfortunately i have had to take xanax a few times a day to help get rid of the withdrawls.
i felt good alllll day yesterday until later at nite. my head started tunneling and my vision started trailing. on top of that (which have all been normal this whole process) i have started getting the shakes and muscle spasms.
it's very frustrating.

how long does it take to get out of your body completely?! i dont know how much more of this i can put up with!

so much is going on

1. my skin is breaking out again, like whoa. why is this happening right before i turn 30??

2. my grandpa got put in a nursing home. i dont know what exactly i've updated in here but last week he fell again and broke his hip. got surgery. and now he and my grandma can't take care of him so he's in a nursing home. blows.

3. i booked my flight for florida today. i'm super stoked! (on a side note, tony told me to get a new swimsuit for the trip and he helped me pick one up yesterday. it's real cute.)

4. last weekend i went out to royal oak, bar hopping. this is me right before i almost got my ass kicked:

bitch please, i so could have taken her!

5. been ridin my lil scoot scoot like crazy lately! got some sweet ass farmers burn yesterday while doing so.

not the best picture, i know..but all i had on me was my little camera and i dont really know how to use the settings cuz it's fairly new. doesn't matter, she's beautiful!

6. i have cancelled all my personal appointments this week. they can all wait until i get back, dammit. something i am doing when i get back is getting a colonic. fuckin nuts. i wonder what it will be like? i guess it takes like an hour or so. not sure how i feel about gettin mah poo sucked out my ass for an hour. hah!

7. after a really, really, incredibly rough week last week i am trying my hardest to be positive this week. so far, so good. think positive thoughts, people!

i'm coming whether you want me to or not.

florida is on the horizon.

of week of me and just me; fixing my heart, soul, and head.

remembering the times of bliss and love and fun; finding freedom and myself again.

knowing that everything happens for a reason, i will go where i want to go, and do what i want to do.

and i will know that everything will be ok.

just when i thought it was over

i almost decided to give up. on hope, on dreams, on mankind, on everything..

but today is earth day so i'll give it another chance.

i'm getting frustrated with some of my friendships lately. hell, i think i've been frustrated with just about everything in life lately. but friends are supposed to be there for you and i'm just not getting that.

i want a break. vacation. someone come take me away?

i've been really busy

so busy that i need a break! it's nice to be pre-occupied sometimes, but i haven't had a minute to just relax all week. hopefully next week will be a little more mellow.

other than that, i just want to say that tare panda is the cutest!!
love him to bits! i played with him for hours on friday and watched him eat and store food. it's super cute.

also, i found my black flip flops..hah! i found another storage box full of shoes and they were in that one. :)

um.

i have a whole lot of shoes. i mean, lots. it's slightly a problem but even if i don't wear them and i love them i just need to have them to look at!

and when it comes to flip flops, i have like, one of every color. really. sometimes several of certain colors.

i pulled out a few boxes of spring shoes and i CAN NOT find a pair of effin black flip flops!!!!!

how do i not have one of the most important staples in a shoe collection?!?!?!

fuckin crazy.

i <3 my scooter

this is me taking my motorcycle endorsement test.

and yes, i passed! so i spent the day riding my scooter. it was fun, although a little chilly. but i bet that's what i'll end up doing the rest of the weekend too!

now all i have to do is take the riding test and i'll get my full license. :D

i love my family

not only did tony take such amazing care of me the entire time i've been sick, but i just got this picture and message from my brother:

"get better aunt lisa"

i love those two cuties!!

i.v.'s suck

i dont get sick very often. i try to take good care of myself..take the right vitamins, etc..

friday i went in to get tattooed and aaron was getting over a cold. he just had a slight cough. sat for three hours, went home. no big deal. a couple hours later i started getting the chills, sweating, but i was freezing...ended up with a temp of 101.

now, i dont know why exactly i got sick. i'm not saying aaron had anything to do with it. but i've sat for three hours several times and never had a problem. anyway, sometime between friday and saturday i ended up with a temp of 103 and feeling like i was going to die. my whole body hurt...joints and muscles. i've been shitting like i'm gettin a colonoscopy tomorrow! super weak...haven't eatten anything cuz i've been so nausious.

tony took me to the hospital yesterday. i was severely dehydrated. gave me an i.v. with two liters of fluid. ran a bunch of tests. cat scan to see if there was something else that was causing me pain. after a good eight-nine hours and "nothing wrong" they sent me on my way. thanks.

oh, doc also said he didn't think the tattoo situation had anything to do with it. must have been a coincidence? i have to call him today to go over some more test results. he made me shit in a bucket so he could test my poo. sick, i know. try being the poor lady that has to test it, hah!

this morning i'm feeling better. i slept a solid six hours last nite. i have strength back in my body and i'm not as achy. i ate a small bowl of cereal which is pretty much the first solid thing i've had in days. my temp is down today so i hope it doesn't spike back up, cuz that's what it's been doing.

also

is my fucking email broke?

try it: ieatmodestmouse@yahoo.com

please and thanks.

i want to sleep. on a beach. as in; i need a vacation.

i'm tired of trying
to make everything work.

and to keep in touch with people.

it's exhausting.

i'd be much easier
if things would just happen
the way they are meant to.

like now.

without me trying.

can't wait till friday, but saturday's gonna be a bitch

i used to be a "cutter". ya know, physical pain over emotional pain, bla bla.

maybe friday will take away some of my emotional pain since i'm getting tattooed.

either way i've had an emotionally exhausting weekend.

therapy sessions are getting harder and harder. more emotional and more stripping.

thanks to the lovely kat my hair is bright again. i dont feel like messing with my camera settings but it's bright orange with some blondish and reddish pieces, along with some neon orange.

it's beautiful.

this is what i look like right now:

old, grumpy, and sorta cross-eyed?

go play at the park!

i had a weirdly emotional bike ride, but finished it off with a trip to the park.

it's amazing to feel this free..

that swing was ridiculously high off the ground. it was a bit of a challenge to jump in it!

also, i must remember to meditate in nature more often. do you even realize how amazing it is to open your eyes to this after clearing your mind and grounding yourself?

shit's bananas.

i slept like an idiot last nite.

my neck hurts. and my hips are fucking killing me. i have no clue how i'm going to be able to sit through a three hour tattoo session next week.

speaking of which, i need to bake cupcakes for aaron....

the cute reason my feet hurt:


the bag behind me says it all

i need to find something to do today. it's nice out. if you're bored, check this out.

my toes are sore

and so is my heart.




beans and rice

will probably make me fart.

why can't i get a call with good news?

my mom just called me and wanted to "update" me on what's been going on...

i guess my grandpa fell twice last week so he went to the doctor to get checked out. when he got home he fell again, this time down the stairs. so now he's got two black eyes, the side of his face is all black and blue, and his body is bruised. luckily he didn't break anything...but i guess he is in bad shape. :(

i heart steve martin

i just had the most incredible session

i feel like i have learned so much about myself in the past hour.

i talked to my therapist about my reiki/chakra cleanse. i told her of the man's silhouette and of the red elephant. she gave me information about the red elephant stuff..i have to look more into it! she taught me a healing meditation. next week she's going to teach me a grounding meditation. during the healing meditation i was brought to tears. she wanted me to figure out who the man was that i saw in my in cleanse on sunday. and i figured out it was adam. it was surreal to have that sort of epiphany. and also to realize that if i did a healing meditation i could find out so much information that may be in hiding. AND also to have him come to me during a time of need to help guide me. it's such a crazy, crazy feeling...i can't even explain it..

she also told me that i am an empath. and that i need to take other's emotions as information instead of storing them as my own. she wants me to start a journal just for her and i. she'll be giving me homework every time i see her. next week i go twice...to jumpstart this whole process. i'm overwhelmed but also so very excited to see what's to come!

detox?

i woke up this morning covered in sweat. i had a dream that involved edzel, amanda, and rachel. i think ed was in it because erik and him were/are? friends. i met erik through ed. and since erik did my reiki yesterday. amanda and rachel are people i haven't talked to in a long time...old best friends of mine..i really never had closure with either of them. it's almost like my body was detoxing emotion and freeing myself from anything involving them. it's weird...it's a weird feeling...

feeling better

i've had a lull in my personality all week. i've been super anti-social, depressed, and just not feeling good. my friend erik and i decided to trade a haircut for a reiki/chakra clearing session. i did his cut on friday, he did my reiki today.

i've had reiki before, but it was more for body aches. today i was doing it for more of a spiritual thing. i didn't really know what to expect for several reasons, and i was a little nervous because i didn't know how i would react. erik said that sometimes people can remember things from the past and start crying and all that.

anyway, to make a long story short, i really enjoyed it. during it i felt extremely relaxed. i felt a warming in certain parts of my body and a feeling that i was detached almost; that body parts we detached as well. at the beginning i kept seeing a dark image of a man's silhouette. at the end i kept seeing silhouettes of animals...one in particular being a red elephant. i wonder if that means anything? after it i felt happy. i felt like something was lifted off my chest and i could think straight. i was relaxed and just plain feeling good.

and that feeling has continued since i got done! i'm really glad i did it. and i think i'd like to do it again.

i'm also happy because i talked to aaron today and i dont have to wait until he gets off tour to get my tattoo worked on again. i was supposed to get work done in june but i'm going in for a session at the beginning of april before he leaves for tour. i kept my june appointment in case i need it later. even if it gets done during this next session i think i may keep the june appointment and either start my left hip or get my cupcakes done! can't wait!!

bad news bears

my grandpa has cancer again. it's back in his bladder (for what, the third or fourth time?). i guess he just goes to the doctor every three months and they take out all the cancer spots they find and hope that it doesn't spread again? my mom is talking like he wont be around much longer so i guess we'll have to see. i know he is super weak and doesn't really seem to be with it anymore. it's really sad :(

i have six doctors appointments this month

not fun. a few of them are chiropractor appts, one is my normal doctor, one is my neurologist, and the one i'm most anxious over is my shrink. i start therapy on tuesday. i'm nervous but excited...she practices cognitive behaveral therapy and i'm curious to see how i react with it. i suppose i shall soon find out....

jay isn't doing so well. since thursday he's been lethargic and not really eatting. tony fed him some of frogwaard's bloodworms friday and saturday, but that's all he's eatten and it's not much. a few minutes ago he was fucking upside down in the corner of the tank, just sitting there. sounds to me like he's got swim bladder or something, but there's not really anything you can do about it. i hope he makes it...i can't bare to lose another fishy!!

when we got to mattawan last night we headed over to shawn & jen's house. he's been out of town all week and didn't feel like going out anywhere so we just chilled at their house. i stopped at the store and they didn't have any beer i like so i decided to surprise jen with a trip down memory lane...and i purchashed a bottle of strawberry boone's farm. DELISH! hahaha. i'm not used to drinking something so sweet and by the time the bottle was gone i had a mild upset stomach.

either way, we have fun playing cards and talking. jen had just bought a deck of uno cards from the flea market. they were obviously not real uno cards! they were weird feeling and really thin. there was also a blank one so i decided to make my own card. good times, good times! sometimes i really miss hanging out with my family.

and i also miss this little cutie pie! rain has gotten so cuddly and sweet i just love her! it just makes me sad that she's deaf and ends up getting hurt all the time.

it's actually really strange...she wags her tail so much and it's so forceful that she constantly splits her tail open and her white fur ends up splattered in red!

so today was alyssa's 2nd birthday. i ended up napping during cake and presents (oops!) so i have no photos. i went to their house early to give haircuts to shawn and caleb.

bless him...he's such a doll but he used to HATE me because i did hair. he was terrified of it for some reason and wouldn't come near me. shawn has always used clippers to cut his hair and recently he expressed a huge dislike for the noise of the clippers and didn't want his hair cut. last time i was in town he shockingly let me cut his hair with scissors. i didn't have mine on me so i had to use some shitty pair that my mom had lying around. it was annoying but while i was cutting his hair he wanted to look in a mirror and he kept telling me what a good job i was doing and how much he liked his hair. so fucking cute! so today was no different. he was excited because i brought a cape for him to wear. he told me he wanted to keep it for next time i cut his hair. i love my family so much!!

(things are) hopefully getting back to normal

basically, tony and i have been having some problems lately. we've spent the past month or so trying to figure something out that works. anyway, yesterday he decided to take the day off. we had a whole day date and it was really, really nice.

after pancakes for breakfast we drove to the ann arbor conservatory.

haven't been there in close to two years and it was really pretty! it was awesome to be in engulfed in warm air for a few hours!

then we stopped at zingermans for lunch. it was delicious. i looove that place. went to a couple shops, got a rino zipper pull, and on the way home stopped at the bakery for some vegan ding dongs. i wish i knew how to make the creme filling they use! it's fluffy and sticky and marshmallowy. i am going to have to try to make my own! we also found this really cool jewelry shop in ann arbor right in kerrytown. they had beautiful stones and tony bought me an amber ring. it's amazing. in fact, the whole day was amazing. it was the first time in a long time where things felt like they always used to feel. i hope that means there are more of those days to come!

i have also told tony i would look for a therapist. which is what i need to do right at this moment. i work at noon and tomorrow i work all day and i need to get it done this week. bleh. wish me luck!

right now i'm watching swingers

i haven't seen this movie in forever and everyone looks super young.

we had a good weekend..pretty much hung out with matt and rachelle. went to inn season for dinner saturday night. it was really good. i haven't been there in at least three years and it was delicious but expensive. sunday we went with them to a dinosaur museum! i love dinosaurs and it was really interesting and fun.

there was a lot of cool skeletons of lots of different prehistoric animals. there was also some other random things...like this "collage" of bugs. if you just glanced at it, it looked like some kind of artwork. but if you looked up close it was spiders and beetles and bats and butterflies and moths. it was totally creepy!

see? weird..

upstairs from the dino exhibit we went to space.

it was a good day/weekend. busy but fun. i was feeling a little weird on sunday but that does tend to happen. my moods are always up and down lately. but it was still nice to hang out with good friends!

when dreams come true

last nite i had a dream that a very old friend contacted me.

i got up and checked my email and i got a myspace message from him.

it's not like it's a big deal...but i just dont really know how to respond. we quit talking years ago...and as i recall it was kind of a blow out. but we have known each other for about ten years in total. i dont know. i just dont know what to think.

not only that, but i also got an email from edzel as well. soo yeah. it's been a weird morning so far.

i didn't go out last thursday because i needed a break, but i can not wait until this thursday. i need it!

no joke!

i.cannot.wait.for.summer!

i will not waste a moment of it!!!

i've been busy

considering we're going through a recession, work has still been busy. when i'm not at work i'm crocheting two separate projects, and doing a ton of reading. i've gone through at least 3 books in two weeks and it's nice to feel that accomplishment again. things in general are making me feel good.

i decided to cut out of my cleanse early. i started the beginning of january and stopped it a couple days ago. it was a three-part cleanse and i did the first two parts, the second being a liver cleanse. considering i have gilbert's syndrome i thought it would be a good thing, but i think it just screwed with my body more! dont get me wrong, the cleanse did amazing things while i was on it. but it also was the culprit of my breaking out. when i figured that out and stopped doing it, my skin literrally started clearing up the next day.

i also just got the first session of my new tattoo done. it looks amazing already. the outline and most of the shading is done....it'd be awesome to get the whole thing done in two sessions instead of three!

all in all, things are good, and i have the next two days off work. well, tony started run lola run early so i guess that's it for now!

i'm fed up.

my skin has gone completely haywire. it's seriously worse than when i was in middle school/high school. i hurt and i hate to look in the mirror. tony told me tonite that my skin is literally changing daily. i feel like i have almost run out of options. i was seriously considering getting on accutane but i'm a bit freaked out. i found a vitamin online that is supposed to be the "natural" accutane. tony wants me to try that so i just ordered it. cost me nearly $200 but it does have a 90 day guarantee so if it doesn't work i can send it back. i'm nervous, but i really hope this works. i am to the point where i don't even want to leave my house. ugh...i hate vanity!!

keep your fingers crossed!!