why can't i get a call with good news?

my mom just called me and wanted to "update" me on what's been going on...

i guess my grandpa fell twice last week so he went to the doctor to get checked out. when he got home he fell again, this time down the stairs. so now he's got two black eyes, the side of his face is all black and blue, and his body is bruised. luckily he didn't break anything...but i guess he is in bad shape. :(

i heart steve martin

i just had the most incredible session

i feel like i have learned so much about myself in the past hour.

i talked to my therapist about my reiki/chakra cleanse. i told her of the man's silhouette and of the red elephant. she gave me information about the red elephant stuff..i have to look more into it! she taught me a healing meditation. next week she's going to teach me a grounding meditation. during the healing meditation i was brought to tears. she wanted me to figure out who the man was that i saw in my in cleanse on sunday. and i figured out it was adam. it was surreal to have that sort of epiphany. and also to realize that if i did a healing meditation i could find out so much information that may be in hiding. AND also to have him come to me during a time of need to help guide me. it's such a crazy, crazy feeling...i can't even explain it..

she also told me that i am an empath. and that i need to take other's emotions as information instead of storing them as my own. she wants me to start a journal just for her and i. she'll be giving me homework every time i see her. next week i go twice...to jumpstart this whole process. i'm overwhelmed but also so very excited to see what's to come!

detox?

i woke up this morning covered in sweat. i had a dream that involved edzel, amanda, and rachel. i think ed was in it because erik and him were/are? friends. i met erik through ed. and since erik did my reiki yesterday. amanda and rachel are people i haven't talked to in a long time...old best friends of mine..i really never had closure with either of them. it's almost like my body was detoxing emotion and freeing myself from anything involving them. it's weird...it's a weird feeling...

feeling better

i've had a lull in my personality all week. i've been super anti-social, depressed, and just not feeling good. my friend erik and i decided to trade a haircut for a reiki/chakra clearing session. i did his cut on friday, he did my reiki today.

i've had reiki before, but it was more for body aches. today i was doing it for more of a spiritual thing. i didn't really know what to expect for several reasons, and i was a little nervous because i didn't know how i would react. erik said that sometimes people can remember things from the past and start crying and all that.

anyway, to make a long story short, i really enjoyed it. during it i felt extremely relaxed. i felt a warming in certain parts of my body and a feeling that i was detached almost; that body parts we detached as well. at the beginning i kept seeing a dark image of a man's silhouette. at the end i kept seeing silhouettes of animals...one in particular being a red elephant. i wonder if that means anything? after it i felt happy. i felt like something was lifted off my chest and i could think straight. i was relaxed and just plain feeling good.

and that feeling has continued since i got done! i'm really glad i did it. and i think i'd like to do it again.

i'm also happy because i talked to aaron today and i dont have to wait until he gets off tour to get my tattoo worked on again. i was supposed to get work done in june but i'm going in for a session at the beginning of april before he leaves for tour. i kept my june appointment in case i need it later. even if it gets done during this next session i think i may keep the june appointment and either start my left hip or get my cupcakes done! can't wait!!

bad news bears

my grandpa has cancer again. it's back in his bladder (for what, the third or fourth time?). i guess he just goes to the doctor every three months and they take out all the cancer spots they find and hope that it doesn't spread again? my mom is talking like he wont be around much longer so i guess we'll have to see. i know he is super weak and doesn't really seem to be with it anymore. it's really sad :(

i have six doctors appointments this month

not fun. a few of them are chiropractor appts, one is my normal doctor, one is my neurologist, and the one i'm most anxious over is my shrink. i start therapy on tuesday. i'm nervous but excited...she practices cognitive behaveral therapy and i'm curious to see how i react with it. i suppose i shall soon find out....

jay isn't doing so well. since thursday he's been lethargic and not really eatting. tony fed him some of frogwaard's bloodworms friday and saturday, but that's all he's eatten and it's not much. a few minutes ago he was fucking upside down in the corner of the tank, just sitting there. sounds to me like he's got swim bladder or something, but there's not really anything you can do about it. i hope he makes it...i can't bare to lose another fishy!!

when we got to mattawan last night we headed over to shawn & jen's house. he's been out of town all week and didn't feel like going out anywhere so we just chilled at their house. i stopped at the store and they didn't have any beer i like so i decided to surprise jen with a trip down memory lane...and i purchashed a bottle of strawberry boone's farm. DELISH! hahaha. i'm not used to drinking something so sweet and by the time the bottle was gone i had a mild upset stomach.

either way, we have fun playing cards and talking. jen had just bought a deck of uno cards from the flea market. they were obviously not real uno cards! they were weird feeling and really thin. there was also a blank one so i decided to make my own card. good times, good times! sometimes i really miss hanging out with my family.

and i also miss this little cutie pie! rain has gotten so cuddly and sweet i just love her! it just makes me sad that she's deaf and ends up getting hurt all the time.

it's actually really strange...she wags her tail so much and it's so forceful that she constantly splits her tail open and her white fur ends up splattered in red!

so today was alyssa's 2nd birthday. i ended up napping during cake and presents (oops!) so i have no photos. i went to their house early to give haircuts to shawn and caleb.

bless him...he's such a doll but he used to HATE me because i did hair. he was terrified of it for some reason and wouldn't come near me. shawn has always used clippers to cut his hair and recently he expressed a huge dislike for the noise of the clippers and didn't want his hair cut. last time i was in town he shockingly let me cut his hair with scissors. i didn't have mine on me so i had to use some shitty pair that my mom had lying around. it was annoying but while i was cutting his hair he wanted to look in a mirror and he kept telling me what a good job i was doing and how much he liked his hair. so fucking cute! so today was no different. he was excited because i brought a cape for him to wear. he told me he wanted to keep it for next time i cut his hair. i love my family so much!!

(things are) hopefully getting back to normal

basically, tony and i have been having some problems lately. we've spent the past month or so trying to figure something out that works. anyway, yesterday he decided to take the day off. we had a whole day date and it was really, really nice.

after pancakes for breakfast we drove to the ann arbor conservatory.

haven't been there in close to two years and it was really pretty! it was awesome to be in engulfed in warm air for a few hours!

then we stopped at zingermans for lunch. it was delicious. i looove that place. went to a couple shops, got a rino zipper pull, and on the way home stopped at the bakery for some vegan ding dongs. i wish i knew how to make the creme filling they use! it's fluffy and sticky and marshmallowy. i am going to have to try to make my own! we also found this really cool jewelry shop in ann arbor right in kerrytown. they had beautiful stones and tony bought me an amber ring. it's amazing. in fact, the whole day was amazing. it was the first time in a long time where things felt like they always used to feel. i hope that means there are more of those days to come!

i have also told tony i would look for a therapist. which is what i need to do right at this moment. i work at noon and tomorrow i work all day and i need to get it done this week. bleh. wish me luck!

right now i'm watching swingers

i haven't seen this movie in forever and everyone looks super young.

we had a good weekend..pretty much hung out with matt and rachelle. went to inn season for dinner saturday night. it was really good. i haven't been there in at least three years and it was delicious but expensive. sunday we went with them to a dinosaur museum! i love dinosaurs and it was really interesting and fun.

there was a lot of cool skeletons of lots of different prehistoric animals. there was also some other random things...like this "collage" of bugs. if you just glanced at it, it looked like some kind of artwork. but if you looked up close it was spiders and beetles and bats and butterflies and moths. it was totally creepy!

see? weird..

upstairs from the dino exhibit we went to space.

it was a good day/weekend. busy but fun. i was feeling a little weird on sunday but that does tend to happen. my moods are always up and down lately. but it was still nice to hang out with good friends!

when dreams come true

last nite i had a dream that a very old friend contacted me.

i got up and checked my email and i got a myspace message from him.

it's not like it's a big deal...but i just dont really know how to respond. we quit talking years ago...and as i recall it was kind of a blow out. but we have known each other for about ten years in total. i dont know. i just dont know what to think.

not only that, but i also got an email from edzel as well. soo yeah. it's been a weird morning so far.

i didn't go out last thursday because i needed a break, but i can not wait until this thursday. i need it!

no joke!

i.cannot.wait.for.summer!

i will not waste a moment of it!!!

i've been busy

considering we're going through a recession, work has still been busy. when i'm not at work i'm crocheting two separate projects, and doing a ton of reading. i've gone through at least 3 books in two weeks and it's nice to feel that accomplishment again. things in general are making me feel good.

i decided to cut out of my cleanse early. i started the beginning of january and stopped it a couple days ago. it was a three-part cleanse and i did the first two parts, the second being a liver cleanse. considering i have gilbert's syndrome i thought it would be a good thing, but i think it just screwed with my body more! dont get me wrong, the cleanse did amazing things while i was on it. but it also was the culprit of my breaking out. when i figured that out and stopped doing it, my skin literrally started clearing up the next day.

i also just got the first session of my new tattoo done. it looks amazing already. the outline and most of the shading is done....it'd be awesome to get the whole thing done in two sessions instead of three!

all in all, things are good, and i have the next two days off work. well, tony started run lola run early so i guess that's it for now!

i'm fed up.

my skin has gone completely haywire. it's seriously worse than when i was in middle school/high school. i hurt and i hate to look in the mirror. tony told me tonite that my skin is literally changing daily. i feel like i have almost run out of options. i was seriously considering getting on accutane but i'm a bit freaked out. i found a vitamin online that is supposed to be the "natural" accutane. tony wants me to try that so i just ordered it. cost me nearly $200 but it does have a 90 day guarantee so if it doesn't work i can send it back. i'm nervous, but i really hope this works. i am to the point where i don't even want to leave my house. ugh...i hate vanity!!

keep your fingers crossed!!

i think i figured it out

i hate my life. simple as that.

i keep trying to make positive changes because i hate myself.

i'm not happy with the person i am and i'm not happy with the person i'm trying to be.

that means i'm just not happy.

sometimes i wish i was 18 again and could just run away for a while.

i am emotionally exhausted.

"We've got to live in the world together"

.........Homer said. "And we got to care about each other."

this from the man who had to identify his brother's frozen corpse.

this story saddens me. it makes me sick to my stomach to think that people could walk next to a dead body and not do anything about it. just read the story and the followup.

what is wrong with people?

when are we going to realize that the world cannot run on hate and ignorance?

i dream too much

last nite it was about me winning a date with jason mraz. by the end of the date he was in love with me and he kissed me. *swoon*

i must have woken up (as i usually do) and fell back asleep to start another dream. my dad had a "pet" white tiger and the tiger mauled me. but i lived through it.

there were several others but nothing too exciting to report.

i'm sick of all the dreams....

i tried

after a lot of thought and consideration, i decided it'd be best to get off my medication (effexor).

after an even longer time, after all the thinking and considering, i made an appointment with my doctor.

which was today.

lets just say it didn't go as planned. i explained that i was sick of having no sleep due to crazy dreams and night sweats. he said sometimes when you're on a high dose it can do that....that maybe i needed my dosage adjusted. i said i was sick of not wanting to have sex. he said he can't help with that. effexor is one of those medications that you can't just stop taking. i found that out the hard way months ago, on accident. i had forgotten to take my pill one day, and the next day i thought i was dying. i had a horrible panic attack and severe withdrawals. tony came home to me on the floor shaking and in hysterics. covered in tears and snot and drool. basically, it was not fun at all.

anyway, my doctor told me that it took a long time for me to start feeling better. that he thinks i need something to keep me even. that he's afraid if i stop taking medication completely then i will be worse off than i was before.

just sayin....
:(

i've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind

let's face it ya'll...i've been stressin. the past few weeks i have had this indescribable pit in my gut. this uneasy feeling that i can't seem to get rid of. emotionally and internally drained. unfortuneatly i cant quite put my finger on it, so i just keep on truckin.

i thought today was my first day of feeling better, until i ended up completely overwhelmed and giving myself a mild anxiety attack. great way to start off the new year!

lets get on a positive note. christmas was good. ok really, but it's fine. i dont expect much from family get togethers anymore. :) i love them dearly but it's almost always stressful as hell. i received two of the most sweetest gifts for christmas: one, the jason mraz photography book from my mom (which i already had, but bless her, she was really thinking of me!), and two, a handmade bookmark from tony. he had cory help him make it which makes me love it that much more. two of my favorite boys! anyway, it's amazing and i love hand-made presents because they always show the most love. i feel like i can see the process of tony making it for me everytime i see it...it's really beautiful.

as for new years eve, i never plan much anymore. i dont really celebrate it like i used to. to me it's just another day. i woke up with a migraine and felt horrible about not going work because i'm sure i fucked people over but there really wasn't anything i could do about it. i'm sorry everyone! i love all of the clients i was supposed to do yesterday. after sleeping the day away i awoke around 7pm feeling a bit better. i wore sunglasses the rest of the nite. matt and hans brought over some delicious vegan pizza from a place by matt's house. they have vegan cheese and pepperoni and everything! it was so good! also helps that they put seseme seeds on the crust...mmmm! cory and janelle came over too and played some board games. it was very low key but fun and the only thing i would have changed was that rachelle didn't have to work and could come over..and of course that i didn't feel like crap. i heard somewhere that the way you spend your new years eve is the way your year will go...and i hope this year is fun and laid back and spent with people i really care about!

for christmas i also got this workout dvd...it's got some yoga and kickboxing but it really is more of a workout for your insides. mind and soul. i really enjoyed it! it was fun and different and even though it was completely cheesy, i felt really fucking good after the 80-some minute session. my body is sore and i feel a bit more free and happy so i couldn't ask for anything else.

one more day off work till i go back. i will be spending it baking my little heart out, preparing about four-dozen cupcakes for a vegan potluck that i'm going to on saturday. delicious food, and friendly people, and i'm really excited.

happy new year!

i haven't had time to collect my thoughts.

in fact, i dont really have time right now, either.

right now i'm sitting in the living room listening to zeppelin. i dont know which thing is more uncommon...the living room internet-ing or the zeppelin. i'm glad to have wireless finally...it took a while but it's up and running. after ditching bright house completely we went with at&t wireless and no cable at all. it's been nice, really. more time to focus on important things, right?

last weekend kat and i drove almost seven hours to get to milwaukee, wisconsin. our motive was a jason mraz concert. it was one of the best weekends i've ever experienced..in so many ways. seeing jm live was more than i could have asked for, but unfortuneately left me asking for more. we checked out the bar scene, met a lot of locals, and had an all around great time. milwaukee is kind of a weird city, but i definately would consider going back. the day we left we got tattooed by greg at custom tattoo. he's really cool and laid back and likes to tell jokes. he made us comfortable and gave us both an amazing tattoo and experience. i think the only downfall of the whole trip (besides kat being scared as fuck to drive in a little snow) was the subway we stopped at for dinner on the way home. it was just north of chicago and my sandwich artist insisted that a footlong veggie sub gets six black olives, and anything more than that he'd have to charge me extra for. needless to say i'm glad i got a footlong, because it was really just all bread i had. dipshit.

a week later with my tattoo almost healed, my constant desire to listen to jm cds, and christmas around the corner, and i feel pretty damn good. looks like 29 isn't so bad after all...

my dad is hilarious

a couple weeks ago my parents came up to visit and my dad saw a list of stuff tony has to do hanging up above my office desk. he decided to modify it: