i'm fed up.

my skin has gone completely haywire. it's seriously worse than when i was in middle school/high school. i hurt and i hate to look in the mirror. tony told me tonite that my skin is literally changing daily. i feel like i have almost run out of options. i was seriously considering getting on accutane but i'm a bit freaked out. i found a vitamin online that is supposed to be the "natural" accutane. tony wants me to try that so i just ordered it. cost me nearly $200 but it does have a 90 day guarantee so if it doesn't work i can send it back. i'm nervous, but i really hope this works. i am to the point where i don't even want to leave my house. ugh...i hate vanity!!

keep your fingers crossed!!

i think i figured it out

i hate my life. simple as that.

i keep trying to make positive changes because i hate myself.

i'm not happy with the person i am and i'm not happy with the person i'm trying to be.

that means i'm just not happy.

sometimes i wish i was 18 again and could just run away for a while.

i am emotionally exhausted.

"We've got to live in the world together"

.........Homer said. "And we got to care about each other."

this from the man who had to identify his brother's frozen corpse.

this story saddens me. it makes me sick to my stomach to think that people could walk next to a dead body and not do anything about it. just read the story and the followup.

what is wrong with people?

when are we going to realize that the world cannot run on hate and ignorance?

i dream too much

last nite it was about me winning a date with jason mraz. by the end of the date he was in love with me and he kissed me. *swoon*

i must have woken up (as i usually do) and fell back asleep to start another dream. my dad had a "pet" white tiger and the tiger mauled me. but i lived through it.

there were several others but nothing too exciting to report.

i'm sick of all the dreams....

i tried

after a lot of thought and consideration, i decided it'd be best to get off my medication (effexor).

after an even longer time, after all the thinking and considering, i made an appointment with my doctor.

which was today.

lets just say it didn't go as planned. i explained that i was sick of having no sleep due to crazy dreams and night sweats. he said sometimes when you're on a high dose it can do that....that maybe i needed my dosage adjusted. i said i was sick of not wanting to have sex. he said he can't help with that. effexor is one of those medications that you can't just stop taking. i found that out the hard way months ago, on accident. i had forgotten to take my pill one day, and the next day i thought i was dying. i had a horrible panic attack and severe withdrawals. tony came home to me on the floor shaking and in hysterics. covered in tears and snot and drool. basically, it was not fun at all.

anyway, my doctor told me that it took a long time for me to start feeling better. that he thinks i need something to keep me even. that he's afraid if i stop taking medication completely then i will be worse off than i was before.

just sayin....
:(

i've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind

let's face it ya'll...i've been stressin. the past few weeks i have had this indescribable pit in my gut. this uneasy feeling that i can't seem to get rid of. emotionally and internally drained. unfortuneatly i cant quite put my finger on it, so i just keep on truckin.

i thought today was my first day of feeling better, until i ended up completely overwhelmed and giving myself a mild anxiety attack. great way to start off the new year!

lets get on a positive note. christmas was good. ok really, but it's fine. i dont expect much from family get togethers anymore. :) i love them dearly but it's almost always stressful as hell. i received two of the most sweetest gifts for christmas: one, the jason mraz photography book from my mom (which i already had, but bless her, she was really thinking of me!), and two, a handmade bookmark from tony. he had cory help him make it which makes me love it that much more. two of my favorite boys! anyway, it's amazing and i love hand-made presents because they always show the most love. i feel like i can see the process of tony making it for me everytime i see it...it's really beautiful.

as for new years eve, i never plan much anymore. i dont really celebrate it like i used to. to me it's just another day. i woke up with a migraine and felt horrible about not going work because i'm sure i fucked people over but there really wasn't anything i could do about it. i'm sorry everyone! i love all of the clients i was supposed to do yesterday. after sleeping the day away i awoke around 7pm feeling a bit better. i wore sunglasses the rest of the nite. matt and hans brought over some delicious vegan pizza from a place by matt's house. they have vegan cheese and pepperoni and everything! it was so good! also helps that they put seseme seeds on the crust...mmmm! cory and janelle came over too and played some board games. it was very low key but fun and the only thing i would have changed was that rachelle didn't have to work and could come over..and of course that i didn't feel like crap. i heard somewhere that the way you spend your new years eve is the way your year will go...and i hope this year is fun and laid back and spent with people i really care about!

for christmas i also got this workout dvd...it's got some yoga and kickboxing but it really is more of a workout for your insides. mind and soul. i really enjoyed it! it was fun and different and even though it was completely cheesy, i felt really fucking good after the 80-some minute session. my body is sore and i feel a bit more free and happy so i couldn't ask for anything else.

one more day off work till i go back. i will be spending it baking my little heart out, preparing about four-dozen cupcakes for a vegan potluck that i'm going to on saturday. delicious food, and friendly people, and i'm really excited.

happy new year!

i haven't had time to collect my thoughts.

in fact, i dont really have time right now, either.

right now i'm sitting in the living room listening to zeppelin. i dont know which thing is more uncommon...the living room internet-ing or the zeppelin. i'm glad to have wireless finally...it took a while but it's up and running. after ditching bright house completely we went with at&t wireless and no cable at all. it's been nice, really. more time to focus on important things, right?

last weekend kat and i drove almost seven hours to get to milwaukee, wisconsin. our motive was a jason mraz concert. it was one of the best weekends i've ever experienced..in so many ways. seeing jm live was more than i could have asked for, but unfortuneately left me asking for more. we checked out the bar scene, met a lot of locals, and had an all around great time. milwaukee is kind of a weird city, but i definately would consider going back. the day we left we got tattooed by greg at custom tattoo. he's really cool and laid back and likes to tell jokes. he made us comfortable and gave us both an amazing tattoo and experience. i think the only downfall of the whole trip (besides kat being scared as fuck to drive in a little snow) was the subway we stopped at for dinner on the way home. it was just north of chicago and my sandwich artist insisted that a footlong veggie sub gets six black olives, and anything more than that he'd have to charge me extra for. needless to say i'm glad i got a footlong, because it was really just all bread i had. dipshit.

a week later with my tattoo almost healed, my constant desire to listen to jm cds, and christmas around the corner, and i feel pretty damn good. looks like 29 isn't so bad after all...

my dad is hilarious

a couple weeks ago my parents came up to visit and my dad saw a list of stuff tony has to do hanging up above my office desk. he decided to modify it:

happy birthday to me

i just have to say that the week i turned 29 was one of the most memorable weeks of my life.

on my birthday, not only did tony take the day off work so we could hang out, go get brunch at seva, and go shopping in ann arbor, we also went to jackson to meet the family so we could spend dinner together. and dont forget, hans came out with us to the bar after that! i have never been to the bar on my birthday before and i didn't stay long because some plans fell through, but i will say it was cool to get free beer from the bartender just because i was born.

the rest of the weekend was busy but nice...all of it ending on sunday at my surprise birthday party. all my closest friends were there and it was seriously the sweetest thing tony could do for me.

not to mention the week before he surprised me at a party we were at and got me the most delicious vegan cake i have ever had!

i know i'm leaving out most details but it was such a good week and i just needed to remember how important my friends and family are to me.

one of the many reasons i love JM

A change IS going to come

Last year Bob Dylan compiled a song list for Starbucks’ Artist Choice Series. In addition to offering up a keen selection of country, blues, and jazz, he also supplied notes and commentary as to why he held the songs in such regard. BUT, the best part was the forward.

He wrote, "When I was asked to put together this collection of songs, I wasn't sure what to do. So I just grabbed a bunch of things I was into recently. Some people have favorite songs, but I've got songs of the minute -- songs that I'm listening to right now. And if you ask me about one of those songs a year from now, I might not even remember who did it, but at the moment it's everything to me.”

I bring this up as today’s lesson: Nothing is final. One day you’re high. The next day you’re low. You might have a funky, expressive, or awful haircut today, but soon it will grow into something else, something new and random. Maybe you grew up liking pop music and boy bands, but now you like a specific mash up of Electronic & Classical. You might decide you don’t want to smoke cigarettes anymore; that it’s just not who you are. Maybe you were a staunch republican but now have curiosities about the well-spoken and well-organized Democratic Nominee. Perhaps you were madly in love last week, but woke up today feeling comfort in solitude, without a desire to be held.

Everything is fine. Not finAL.

We tend to instantly identify with “things.” And we believe in so much, when in fact, a belief isn't known to be true. It's a hope for the truth. We hold grudges because of what someone said when we were young. We store hurtful words and replay them in our minds until we think it to be true. And some of us believe a TV commercial and think we need a faster computer, a smarter phone, a stronger pill, a more relaxed-fit jean, etc. We think that certain things, thoughts, or actions make us who we are and sometimes we become addicted to those thoughts or behaviors and then become too afraid to let them go.

I write and post a lot therefore many people assume I have every self-published word memorized or that I live these shared thoughts constantly. This is not the case. My brain doesn’t reference myself very well actually, and I’m sure I contradict myself every other day in one way or another. One day I feel like I have all the wisdom of the world and the next day my soul wears thin and I stutter just ordering ice cream.

And everything is fine.

Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of. These meanderings, rants, and blogs for instance, provide a great deal of comfort just sharing it, even though i put a part of myself on the line to be criticized or considered an ass.
Oh well, Courage is triumph of the soul is guess. and an Ass can still be of great service.

So Remember, You have the right to change your mind.

About anything.

Anytime.

This is not the ending.

P.S. – No doesn’t mean forever. It simply means, “Not right now.”

And on the topic of Not right now, whatever happened to you in the past is not happening now.

You will be safe behind your honest decisions and mood swings.

I promise.
-mraz
Berlin

we love him...we want to marry him...

my best friend gave me some of the best news i've had in a while the other day. she bought us tickets for my birthday to see jason mraz! my birthday is not until oct 23rd, and the show is not until nov 21st. but this is a truely fantastic surprise.

i've always listened to jason (yes, we are on a first name basis). and although i usually listened to it when i was in a cheery mood, because of the pop factor, i've always enjoyed his music. this last album he put out was completely different from the others. there was personal growth involved...self exploration and figuring things out. and this album came out when i was feeling the same things. things he sang about made sense to me and along with all the other things in my life, i started to feel like i was understanding things again. so for me, to see him live will be exciting and emotional.

so as of right now, the plan is for kat and i to leave after work thursday night. we'll drive to my parents house in kalamazoo area, sleep there for the night, and get up the next morning and make our way to milwaukee. we'll get there in time for exploring the city a little and checking into our hotel. for only $60 a night we get a comfy bed and aveda bath/hair products! not only that, but we will be a mere .06 miles from the venue. i think we may try to meet him...we both have these huge school-girl crushes on him. it's a little ridiculous when you see us together, talking about him. it's like we're in sixth grade again haha. saturday after we check out of the hotel, we're looking into getting tattooed (shhhh) and having a fun ride home. i kinda wish we had time to stop at chicago diner on the way! mmmmm

i think this may be the longest month of my entire life!

and it all comes back

i finally got to the feeling like my life is in order.

up until about a week ago.

shit's been blowing up like crazy. i'm starting to dig myself back into that hole that took me sooo long to get out of. i'm having a hard time breathing and i just don't know if i can save myself this time.

i would really like to have a new perspective. and someone to whisk me away from it all.

a couple things i forgot to mention

1. i got a great promotion at work. it started august 16th. i am now a level 1 stylist. which means more money and no more assisting! finally!! i'm very proud of myself for getting to this level so quickly.

2. i made a list a long time ago (maybe in beauty school?) of things i wanted to do before i died. one of the things was sing karaoke. so yeah, i sang karaoke. it was a lot of fun! tony and tim were there, and kat was on "stage" with me. along with a girl that tim is friends with. the first song was "get low" by lil jon. i think i laughed most of the time because that song is just dirty! i have never heard it before, so i didn't know the lyrics until that night. the second song was "ice ice baby" by vanilla ice. it was pretty damn good. :)

other than those things i forgot to mention in my last post, things have been good. a few weeks ago i felt like i "woke up" and i've been a much happier person.

that is all!

things suck/quick update

1. my cousin, his wife, and their two 21 year-old twin boys came to visit for the month of june. it was fun and nice to see my czech side after so many years. the last time i was in czech was 15 years ago. looks like i will be returning, finally, in 2010.

2. i have been having health problems and no one seems to know what's wrong. i go back to the doctor, again, after another series of blood tests to see if they can find some answers. so far they think i have fibromyalgia. i think that is a made-up "disease" and i have convinced myself i have leukemia.

3. i found out a couple weeks ago that i am bipolar. yippee. lets throw a party.

4. my mother and i are going to see rod stewart on wednesday. i never thought this moment would come, but now it's finally here and i dont really seem to care.

5. two close friends of ours are getting married friday. i hope it's fun and of course a good time. i'm really happy for them.

6. i have agreed to go to my 10-year high school reunion this saturday. my brother and his wife have conned me into going and now i am dreading it. what the fuck did i get myself into??

7. my best friend is in chicago for the weekend and i got a text message from her saturday nite telling me she missed me and every song she heard at the bar reminded her of me. then i got on myspace today and she wrote on her profile "so...i'm moving to chicago". must not miss me that much! i think i would feel like my heart got ripped out if she moved.

8. we bought a tempur-pedic mattress on wednesday and i am in love.

*sigh*

so. to make a really long story short, my bff (kat) went on a couple dates with this guy and he's a really douche bag asshole. he got in a car accident, really bad...was in a coma and everything. and her cousin's new step-sister was in the car too. she's ok. anyway, at first they said he was drunk, now they are saying he wasn't. anyway, he's in the hospital still and kat is super upset about the whole thing. she called off plans with me yesterday because of it. and today she told me she isn't going to cedar point with me in three weeks. i'm not quite sure what is going on but i know that sitting at home sulking and being upset is not the answer. i just feel lost and like i dont know what to do. i know i'm leaving a lot out but i'm just way too tired to write out the whole story. i dont know why kat is so upset over this. the guy was a jerk and she knows it. and her step-cousin is fine.
i've been thinking a lot lately that i dont understand people anymore. and i dont think i ever will.

i hate people

a couple weeks ago i got in an argument with a girl i work with, j. basically she still hasn't gotten over it. so saturday i pull my boss aside and tell her i dont know how to deal with monday because we work together. so i guess at the end of the day on saturday j went up to my boss and said she was afraid to work with me on mondays because it's just us two. she said that when we got in the argument i "poked" her or "touched" her or something. so my boss called me today saying we needed to talk.

so basically i'm getting the feeling that my boss is believing j over me. which is total bullshit because i never fucking touched her. i told my boss that yes, i did point at her, but i also pointed at myself. i also did a lot of other things with my fucking hands because i use my hands a lot every time i talk. so now my boss wants all three of us to sit down and work this out and i dont even want to. i'm fucking done. i'm sick of everyone starting rumors and i'm sick of all the people that work there that are back stabbers and liars.

will it be different at another salon? or am i just not cut out to do hair because of all the drama that comes with it? i seriously dont know what to do here. i only have one other salon i could get a job at...because i really want to stay with aveda and there aren't that many aveda salons around here. i just feel lost and hurt and confused. i want this to be over. i feel like if i go back to what i used to do, then i'm wasting $10,000 that i owe for beauty school. i just feel so fucked right now.

i need a haircut

it's not that it's gotten too long or anything. i just need a change. i cut my hawk off last month and now it's kind of a pixie but i just need a new style. maybe some new color. but i'm uninspired.

i'm two weeks late. i'm never late. well, once, but i was pregnant at the time. that was ten years ago. wow. so in ten years i have never been late.

on top of that i have been physically and mentally exhausted. i have no energy and my body is achy. i really need to go to the doctor because i feel like something is wrong.

today was beautiful. the sun was out and the weather was perfect. i only wish tony could have been home to spend it with me. i miss him! i dont see him on thursdays and fridays i dont see him until 9pm or so.

i feel like i have been so busy lately. my days on the floor at work i've been booked. which is awesome. i'm hoping that i get on full time soon. evaluations are right around the corner!

i guess other than that things are going good. i'm excited that it's finally feeling like spring. i wish i could go on a vacation soon! i have a lot going on in june so only two months away! i also wish i had some extra cash to do some summer clothes shopping. oh well...i guess i'll continue wearing the shit i already have...

today was my first non-lazy day in a really long fucking time. i did some sewing. i still got it!

this is a bag i am using to bring my lunch to work in. this way i wont have to use plastic bags and have unnecessary trash!



this one is going to be my every day work bag. my other one was super dirty so i wanted to make a new one. in the second photo, the little red pouch is for my cell phone! easy access!

sad day

dave kujawa passed away last saturday, march 22nd.

i wasn't friends with dave, but i had met him on several occasions. i know his son and girlfriend will miss him, along with hundreds of people in the detroit area. he really tried to help detroit and educate people. and i know he was a good person. it's sad to think about someone so genuine passing away so young.

http://www.metrotimes.com/editorial/story.asp?id=3198

*edit*
i just found out he committed suicide. i know a few months ago he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia...so i guess it had something to do with that? ugh. wow.

i have become self conscious, again, after a long time of feeling great. i have no idea where it came from. i dont like it and i want it to go away!