i have been doing pretty good of taking care of myself lately.

(minus the crappy eating since it was my birthday over the weekend)

i stepped down from my management position at work. i feel amazing since i did. like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. i have felt happier and more at ease since i "quit". i'm still going to be teaching but no more of the daily bs that i was dealing with before. i feel like i can be myself again. like i get along with people more. it's really really great!

i keep thinking things will slow down a bit but they never do. we have one of two more "relationship" classes, and next weekend i will be going out of town (traverse city) thanks to my lovie. a little r & r and some exploring will be fun! he will be up there too for iceman (bike race) but wont be staying with me. either way, it will be nice to get away for a little bit. and not have to worry about my every day duties! i need to start thinking of places i want to check out while i'm there. it's coming up quick!

next thing you know it will be thanksgiving and christmas! this year is going by hella fast..

t's birthday is next month. i have been having a hard time coming up with ideas for him because all he ever wants are really expensive things that i cant afford! today i was coming up with idea after idea! so that is exciting and i really need to get on this and get some things done! nothing worse than procrastinating!

two

two years ago today, i made a decision to change my life. see here.

a month before my 30th birthday, i vowed to take better care of myself physically. in the end, it turned out i would take better care of myself mentally and emotionally as well.

in december, after a series of events, (see here) i ended up at the yoga shelter.

in april, after more events, i ended up at life training (short comment here).

since may 2010, many things have happened. many things have changed. i disconnected from my yoga shelter family (and i do still consider them my family, although connection has been lost).

i have taken many "wrong" (what is wrong, anyway???) turns and ended up in places i never thought i'd be. i have faced ups and downs, flips and turns and inside-outs. for a long while i had abandoned what i knew and faced depression, frustration, and sadness because of it.

and now, here i am, two years after my first promise to myself. to take better care of myself. i did great for a while and horrible for a longer while. but i'm ready to get back in the game.

this week has been eye opening and many realizations have happened. and i cant just sit in the stands and expect life to be exciting and what i want.

i have one month until my 32nd birthday. and although i wont do things the same this time around, i do plan on making a promise to myself.

something i learned at life training was that i am indeed good enough. i struggle with that still but i'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself and not being happy and enjoying what i do have, because i have a lot.

so friends, from here on out i will make a promise to myself that for 30 days i will be grateful, thankful, joyful and happy. and most importantly, i will be true to myself. i am who i am for a reason.

i know that things dont happen overnight, so i must be patient with myself, but what it comes down to is i want to be happy.

i want to be happy.
which has been my original goal all along.

and i would have never gotten this far if it weren't for eric and lisa paskel. they probably dont even know it, but their words stay with me always. just because i'm not on the mat with them, doesn't mean i don't soak in their teachings.

love love

it's been a real long time again

but i've been writing more for myself.

it's been helping me clear my head a bit. usually by the end of whatever i'm writing, i'm clear and i dont feel so frustrated. so that's good.

i'm overly tired lately and i dont really know why. i wish i could catch up on sleep. i wish i could allow myself to have some fun. (esp before summer is over!!)

i wish my job wasn't so...frustrating at times.

on the upside: a week or so ago (i dont even know what day it is right now) was my one year sobriety anniversary. that was kind of exciting for me.

i dont really have much to say unfortunately. i thought i did but i think i am finally getting sleepy. (been TIRED all week cant keep my eyes open but i cant actually fall asleep!)

i'm getting the itch to get tattooed. i know what i want and where i want it. i just dont have the extra cash. i need to pay off my fucking credit card bill. that will be the death of me i swear.

i did get another raise at work (which should be on my next paycheck). every little bit helps. i just need to stop buying shoes and makeup. when did that start happening again? sheesh..

we are trying to plan two trips right now. one for xmas/jan and one for our anniversary. it's not working out so well hahah. esp now after i've thought about how much money i owe. and from here on out it's bday season and then xmas and then i will be real broke. maybe i need to get crackin on home made gifts?
nah...lets face it..at this point i dont even feel like getting into the holiday spirit (and everyone knows i'm pretty much obsessed with xmas) let alone MAKING presents for people. i feel like such a bitch but i just feel like gift carding everyone this year. and i hate that more than anything. it is what it is...

why the hell am i thinking about xmas?
i need to go to bed..

indy

i just got back from a weekend in indy. it was probably one of the best vacations i have had. i learned so much about myself and b. he hasn't changed a bit but he has changed so much! i am truly lucky to know him and i know that no matter what either of us goes through we will keep continuing to be there for each other. i am full of gratitude and love and as long as i keep remembering the things i realized this weekend, i will be ok. i will be more than ok! it has been over ten years since we last saw each other and there is no way we are letting that happen again. we are connected souls and i know we are always together even when we are apart, but going ten years was way too long.

writeup

here is a nice write up that one of the girls posted last week about the photoshoot
here is the outside link

and her article in full:

Best use for a new corset? BOUDOIR.

Posted on April 1, 2011 by admin

So, I recently had the privilege of being part of a boudoir style photoshoot with 3 of my friends. The photographer, Bryan Mitchell, is in the process of expanding his business to include boudoir, and needed some models. Wait, you mean, I get to play dress up and look sexy in front of a camera with a bunch of my girlfriends, and in turn, have a great 1 year anniversary gift for my husband that will come free of charge in return for use of my photos? Yes please! My arm did not need to be twisted.

And instantly, as a lover of vintage pin up fashion, I KNEW I would be wearing a corset. The hard part was deciding which one! I ended out wanting to do an all black sort of a look, so I went with my black Jasmine Underbust Corset a black strapless bra, sky high heels, and these HOT fishnet stockings with lace top. The outfit really came together, and the Lisa Cressey from Agape Salon, did such a great job on my hair and make up, it really helped me to achieve the look I was going for.

I really think this is something everyone should do. By nature, I am a rather shy person, especially when it comes to stuff like this. But after a few clicks of the camera, I became very comfortable, and it was a lot of fun! My photos are “for his eyes only” but here are some of my favorite vintage pin up boudoir looks, that inspired my photoshoot! Building an outfit (or two or three) is something our staff at Versatile Corsets do best!! In fact, this is one of our FAVORITE things to do! Here are some ideas:

Bordeaux Overbust Corset

Jasmine Underbust Corset

Violet Underbust Corset

Just contact us if you would like us to help you put together an amazing outfit for a boudoir photo shoot. http://www.versatilecorsets.com

busy with photoshoots

well, i've had two shoots this week. been doing hair and makeup...then assisting the photographer. today was a big one...four girls all in one day. it was a long day; nine hours! i was nervous at first but i think i did really good. i even did an updo on a girl!! i suck at them and i made it look good! makeup was good..even got to do a more edgy look on one of the girls that's in the derby. because these are boudoir photos most makeup i do is sexy in the soft but dramatic kind of way. it was fun to do something a little different.

all i know is i am pooped and i will sleep good tonite! i miss tony already (he's in cali for work). at least i'm tired so i shouldn't have a hard time falling asleep alone....

i am so grateful for this opportunity!!

I MET NICK ARROJO!

a dream come true.
he's so inspiring.
i am so glad i met him.
even if i was too chicken to say much to him.
thankfully tony was there to do the talking!!!

february was hard

i have come to some pretty big/hurtful conclusions lately. this month was extremely hard for me. there has been a lot going on and i have been forced to see things for what they really are.

sometimes i live in this little dream world where everyone is kind and loves each other and wants to help each other out. where as long as you think positively, you will have positivity back to you.

unfortunately that is just not how the world always works. my bubble has been popped, and i am left with a feeling of ick.

yes, ick. that is the only way i can describe how i feel.

i have been doubting myself for way too long. i'm sick of it. but i dont know how i can truly love myself when i'm already in this hole. i feel way too busy and overwhelmed to truly care for myself. everything that i have wanted to do i have pushed back because there are just things that need to get done.

we leave for new york in two days and i dont even feel excited. plans keep changing with that. i was supposed to go to a class at arrojo studios!!! but it got canceled yesterday. once i got ok with the fact that i planned my trip around this class and now it's not happening, i get an email this morning saying it's on. now i dont even feel like going and tony is trying to tell me to go. there has been some irritation with that.

a young family member has been outed as a junkie. not sure how long he's been using but he's much too young to have to go through this! and after he lost his cousin a few years back to a heroin overdose..it's just too much to think about. he goes into detox/rehab friday. i really hope he gets help especially for him but also because of his decisions, his mother's fiance called off the wedding (for now). it's tearing the family up. i guess it's hard to be one of those people that only learn from their own mistakes....

i asked one of my yoga "friends" about rehab because he works in a rehab facility. it has been five days and he hasn't gotten back to me. maybe the people i thought would stand by me never will.

i have been going to physical therapy for a couple weeks. he worked me hard yesterday and i am sore and feeling it today.

i am tired and feeling a bit depressed and no matter how much i sleep at night it is not enough.

also i found out my gma is not doing so good. doctors tell her she cant live on her own anymore but she doesn't want to leave the house she raised her family in. her doctor asked her what year it was and she said "2002".

i need to get back on my workout schedule. i feel chubby and i hate it.

i also got my brows tattooed finally. i will have to go back because i feel like they are just too light.

sick of this michigan winter. so waiting for spring to hit...i want to feel the breeze on my face while i ride my scooter...

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!
seriously. i cant do this anymore. i dont know anyone or myself and i dont know how i got HERE and i wish i was not here and i am starting to sink so deep i dont know how to get up

i am not my looks! or my name, or my job, or my outfit! i am me!

i would really like to do a photo recap of 2010, but i've been so busy with other little projects that i've been putting off.

i vow to start making lists again.
and to get up early to study.
and as soon as my knee is fixed to start yoga again. (i fell down the stairs last thursday)

today i went to the campus bookstore to buy something for tony. the guy that i was dating when i met tony was working there. i saw him but basically avoided him. my knee was hurting bad and i didn't feel like getting out and i was in grubby clothes and my hair was crazy and i didn't have makeup on. at the time i was thinking "really? i see him here when i look like this?!?!"

once i left and thought about it (on accident) i almost got mad at myself for acting so silly. i go makeup-free all the time! there is nothing wrong with how i look with no make up on! and since when do i care so much about what some boy thinks? some boy that i haven't even see in 5 years! hah! it did get me thinking a little more (again, on accident) about how a month or two ago i ran into an ex and i felt good, and confident, despite the vibe i was getting from him..and how i just went about my day as if nothing disturbed it. and how different today went...and how instead of just being comfortable with who i am and what i look like, i shied away from being the happy person i am and just smiling and going on about my business.

sometimes i am so silly. but i will really ALLOW myself to just let myself be ok with my reactions to things. it is OK that i acted the way i did, because that is a part of me.

on a sort of related note, i took my medusa out. i'm not fully ready to part with it because i thought it was cute, but it has been bothering me more than not lately, and i'm sick of being worried about it. plus i sort of feel like it was trying to define me or something...i dont know of how else to describe that. either way, it needed to go...

i can't believe it's the 15th of december.

i have so much to say and no way to say it. i am beat up and sore and exhausted. maybe my first new years resolution (i have never done a 'new years resolution' before) will be to blog more...at least journal for myself more.

then maybe i will figure out what i am trying to say....

until then,
love and light.
xoxo

GUESS WHAT.

I am so sick of being judged for every thing I do.

1. I take my finances very seriously. I am no longer a compulsive shopper like I used to be. Trust that I have my shit together and I get my shit done.

2. I have blonde eyelashes….it’s not that I’m tired, it’s that I don’t have mascara on.

3. Just because it’s “wrong” for you doesn’t mean it’s “wrong” for me.

4. I eat this way because it makes me feel good. Period. I don’t care if you don’t understand or don’t agree with it. It’s not your decision what I put in my body.

5. Yes I like the taste of my green smoothies. Not only that but they give me energy and fill me up with healthy things. GET OVER IT.

I could go on and on and on but I’m choosing to stop. I need to get out of my head.

I am not perfect

but I am perfect in what I am.

so behind

a couple weeks ago i had a huge opportunity to go see my guru speak. he came to the yoga shelter as he is eric's guru, and i found out about him through eric. i am so grateful that i got to be in swamiji's presence. what and outstanding man. words cannot even describe how awesome it was.

last week i got a pretty decent raise at work. i have been there 4 years almost exactly. and i started out making $5.50 less than what i make now. that is more than $1/year! i would say i'm doing pretty decent. making goals and surpassing them. i've started teaching classes to the assistants/new talent stylists as well. that seems to be going good too.

my birthday was over the weekend. didn't make a big fuss of it this time around. i guess it's just not as important to me as it usually is.

i think i have discovered that i am allergic to clove oil. which sucks because i love how it smells. but ever since i stopped using it my skin cleared up (as much as it can, because honestly it gave me lots of blackheads) and i stopped getting headaches. the true test will be in a month..

ew. dexter is laying next to me and just farted...

tomorrow i will be getting a facial for the first time. i'm paying way too much money for it (esp since i can get them practically free at work) but i feel comfortable with this girl that will be doing it. i figured i would try it out...

my hair will not do what i want it to do. the color has faded to an awful color and i'm so sick of dealing with it. i hate not feeling pretty.

it has been an exhausting day..so i think i will go rest and pass out early. busy day tomorrow and the next...as the rest of the month comes to an end. this year is going by so fast, i'm sure because i've been so busy..i wouldn't mind it if the weather was crummy but it's been beautiful out. what a great fall we are having!

hoping things will slow down just a little bit!

and another one

alicia's blog

a kind lifer meetup in detroit!

Posted by Alicia Silverstone on Oct 4, 2010

I had a little impromptu meet and greet with Kind Lifers in the Detroit area while I was there filming Vamps. It was so nice to sit and chat with everyone. I love getting feedback about the site and learning about everyone's journey of how they got there. Kind Lifer Sheena brought naughty and yummie vegan cupcakes from Cupcake Station in Ann Arbor...the ones with the coffee flavored icing were insane.

A huge thank you to Angela, Jodi, Elizabeth, Michelle, Andree, Janet, Wendy, Sheena, Lisa and her husband Tony, Cheryl, and Diana for coming out. You were all so sweet and I really enjoyed learning a little about each of you. I look forward to seeing you on the site and I do hope you all start a Detroit area Vegan Potluck!!!

i got blogged about!

well, not ME entirely. but i was involved hahah.

read original here

or just read below :)

a day in detroit

Posted by Alicia Silverstone on Sep 30, 2010

Recently, I went with Kind Lifer Lisa to the Arts, Beats, and Eats festival of bands and artists in Detroit. I found one artist I loved, Urban Landscapes Pottery's Laura Macntyre and I bought 4 bowls from her.

I'm so happy because I've been meaning to buy soup bowls for two years, and now I can cross it off my list. I really like them - perfect size for nabe yaki udon from my book, or for any large soup. I was so happy to find this perfect size!

Then we went to Royal Oak, as suggested by Kind Lifer Shannon Hall who told us to go to a crepe spot What Crepe - they have vegan crepes if you ask. Our waitress was vegan too, and she recommended a crepe, filled with avocado, sundried tomatoes, asparagus, spinach, mushrooms, and an orange jalepeno sauce....delicious!!! Then we shared a crazy one with chocolate, bananas, pecans, and ice cream...we went nuts clearly! I'm not sure I ultimately made the best dessert combo - don't get me wrong, it was good....but the savory crepe was delicious and I would love to have that again and again.

Our waitress also recommended the apple pie crepe, done vegan. But Lisa and I weren't feeling apple pie. Lisa came up with an idea for blueberry agave and banana - maybe next time, since you can build your own crepes!

We both left with headaches from the sugar. It was fun for a second and I'd do it again, but maybe a crepe with strawberries, fresh bananas, and pecans, but no ice cream or chocolate - a super yummy, no-headache dessert, with maybe a tiny drizzle of agave to top it off.

Has anyone been there and had the perfect combo for a sweet crepe, or do you have any other vegan crepe combo you can recommend?

get out of the past

there are very few people that i have gotten close with throughout my life. most people just come and go..few leaving any residue once they leave. it's not that they didn't mean anything to me, it's just that i never got attached. the place i am right now, i realize how unhealthy it is to become attached to things. whether they are people or objects, or even places or events.

for some reason, there are a couple people that i just cant shake. they stay in my mind fairly consistently. not that i am obsessing over anything, but i have such fond memories. and of course they are people that no longer play a huge role in my life. but i just cant let them go. and dammit, sometimes i just wish i could. i feel like i hurt myself over and over. i know it's not them hurting me. it's me in my mind..

i guess the past couple days i've been thinking about why i can't shake them. so far the only thing i have been able to come up with is maybe it was the feeling i got when i was with them. i always felt so important..special...cared for and loved...like i was perfect.

but i know now that no one can MAKE you feel anything. whether it is "good" or "bad". no one can MAKE me feel loved.

i guess i just want to know i matter to people. like, really matter. i know that my family loves me and my husband thinks i'm amazing, but i still get that bit of not being good enough. i still get judged by them and sometimes i even feel taken for granted.

i know i dont normally go this route on here but i am learning to just accept all the things that i am feeling...because in the end i know these feelings are what helps me grow.

i want to feel perfect. to feel whole. and i kind of just want to have a best friend again.

wow

what a busy time for me.

i was at work today and alicia called me. which, honestly, kinda shocked me! anyway she left me a message seeing if i wanted to go to the people's art festival that i told her about. i ended up going to pick her up at her hotel. we went to PAF for an hour or so. talked a lot. went to royal oak to what crepe? which was DELICIOUS by the way. we split a savory and a sweet. it was fun hanging out and getting to know her and just talking about normal things that people talk about. she's very laid back and easy to talk to which was awesome. we talked a little about hair and salons and stuff. she said if i wanted i could come to set and watch her get her hair done. AND THEN SHE SAID I COULD DO HAIR ON THE EXTRAS!!!!

so rad.

it's amazing how a colonic makes you feel!

for the past few days i've been feeling very unmotivated, sluggish, lethargic, depressed...just plain icky. i'm way behind on my monthly colonics because i just haven't had the spare cash. luckily, judy could fit me in today at 9am. i feel a thousand times better. i forgot how much i love getting them! it's an instant energy booster and my mind is clear again as well!

the body is such an interesting thing!

so many things!

i've been unbelievably busy this month. between going out of town every other weekend, working, and doing my normal home things, i recently came in contact with alicia silverstone. well, not her herself...let me explain.

i follow alicia's blog. she's vegan and came out with a cookbook and i bought it and every since then i've been a huge fan. she is currently in detroit filming a movie. a couple weeks ago she posted something on her blog asking for helpers in detroit. originally it was food related. i wrote and said i was super interested. never heard anything back. yesterday i got an email from alicia's assistant, megan, saying that plans changed and they needed helpers to help alicia run lines/take her places/random things/etc. and that if i was still interested in helping them to let her know. so of course i emailed back and said i'd be willing to do anything. i just want to help out! i met up with megan tonite and we talked about everything. ended up chilling for about two hours. she's soo nice and fun and i cannot wait to help! she basically told me that since i'm helping out they want to help me out by having me doing things that benefit me. so if i want to be an extra, or watch hair/makeup, or anything else to just let them know. she thought maybe i could take alicia out to a restaurant i really like and stuff like that. this is insane!! so yeah, real excited to see what happens with this! she's in town till the end of september. and on sunday we are all hanging out!

!!!!!!!

lessons in dreams

i've been dreaming a lot lately. and vividly. sometimes they are nice, caring dreams. sometimes they are nightmares. and lately, they have been full of people that i went to life training with. ironic? maybe..

last night i had a dream that i was with a little boy (my nephew?) and there were other kids his age and a little older in the street playing and looking at cars. he was curious as to what was going on and wanted to play with these boys so he just walked right over! i remember trying to stop him in the dream and ask him why he was just going to walk right over without knowing a single soul! he wasn't the least bit worried about appearing "weird" to anyone by just inviting himself over to play. and there i was, aunt lisa, trying to stop him.

in real life, kids are NEVER afraid to be who they are. they do things because they want to. without a care in the world. why, when we are adults, do we lose that sense of carefree attitude?

just somethin to think about this lovely tuesday morning!