i hate people

a couple weeks ago i got in an argument with a girl i work with, j. basically she still hasn't gotten over it. so saturday i pull my boss aside and tell her i dont know how to deal with monday because we work together. so i guess at the end of the day on saturday j went up to my boss and said she was afraid to work with me on mondays because it's just us two. she said that when we got in the argument i "poked" her or "touched" her or something. so my boss called me today saying we needed to talk.

so basically i'm getting the feeling that my boss is believing j over me. which is total bullshit because i never fucking touched her. i told my boss that yes, i did point at her, but i also pointed at myself. i also did a lot of other things with my fucking hands because i use my hands a lot every time i talk. so now my boss wants all three of us to sit down and work this out and i dont even want to. i'm fucking done. i'm sick of everyone starting rumors and i'm sick of all the people that work there that are back stabbers and liars.

will it be different at another salon? or am i just not cut out to do hair because of all the drama that comes with it? i seriously dont know what to do here. i only have one other salon i could get a job at...because i really want to stay with aveda and there aren't that many aveda salons around here. i just feel lost and hurt and confused. i want this to be over. i feel like if i go back to what i used to do, then i'm wasting $10,000 that i owe for beauty school. i just feel so fucked right now.

i need a haircut

it's not that it's gotten too long or anything. i just need a change. i cut my hawk off last month and now it's kind of a pixie but i just need a new style. maybe some new color. but i'm uninspired.

i'm two weeks late. i'm never late. well, once, but i was pregnant at the time. that was ten years ago. wow. so in ten years i have never been late.

on top of that i have been physically and mentally exhausted. i have no energy and my body is achy. i really need to go to the doctor because i feel like something is wrong.

today was beautiful. the sun was out and the weather was perfect. i only wish tony could have been home to spend it with me. i miss him! i dont see him on thursdays and fridays i dont see him until 9pm or so.

i feel like i have been so busy lately. my days on the floor at work i've been booked. which is awesome. i'm hoping that i get on full time soon. evaluations are right around the corner!

i guess other than that things are going good. i'm excited that it's finally feeling like spring. i wish i could go on a vacation soon! i have a lot going on in june so only two months away! i also wish i had some extra cash to do some summer clothes shopping. oh well...i guess i'll continue wearing the shit i already have...

today was my first non-lazy day in a really long fucking time. i did some sewing. i still got it!

this is a bag i am using to bring my lunch to work in. this way i wont have to use plastic bags and have unnecessary trash!



this one is going to be my every day work bag. my other one was super dirty so i wanted to make a new one. in the second photo, the little red pouch is for my cell phone! easy access!

sad day

dave kujawa passed away last saturday, march 22nd.

i wasn't friends with dave, but i had met him on several occasions. i know his son and girlfriend will miss him, along with hundreds of people in the detroit area. he really tried to help detroit and educate people. and i know he was a good person. it's sad to think about someone so genuine passing away so young.

http://www.metrotimes.com/editorial/story.asp?id=3198

*edit*
i just found out he committed suicide. i know a few months ago he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia...so i guess it had something to do with that? ugh. wow.

i have become self conscious, again, after a long time of feeling great. i have no idea where it came from. i dont like it and i want it to go away!

sickeroo

i've been sick. for five days now. i haven't left the house. i have barely been awake long enough to eat a meal. i'm getting frustrated with being stuck here.

i have had a strange bout of jealousy lately. i'm not much of a jealous person. sure, i would get angry when tony's ex's would call during all hours of the night...but i wouldn't say i was jealous.

so i have been jealous of other girls, lately. in the past i have gotten down on myself for things...you know...i'm too fat or my skin is too broken out or i am ugly...but i haven't ever really been JEALOUS of anyone before. until now. and it's not as if i'm jealous of any one person...

the past few months i have gotten really close with a girl i work with. she is the high-maintenance version of me..the super nice version of me..the version of me that puts up with things. kathy is my "bff" and the sweetest girl in the world. we always have fun together and we get each other. and maybe because i haven't had a real bff in girl form since i was 19 i dont know how to deal with having one now. regardless, i hate the fact that i get jealous when she has other plans that don't involve me. there, i said it.

and that makes me think of two other so-called "bff"s that i have had.

kelly was my soul mate! my twin and my other half. she was kathy plus edgy and unrestricted. the girl i would do anything for. i miss her and think about her all the time. something i miss most about her was how she could either be all dolled up or just rolling out of bed and she could be confident and having a good time. if only everyone could be like that..

and rachel...i wouldn't even know where to begin. a drunken nite of me crying my eyes out she whispers that i am her best friend. i wake up in the morning and she is gone. moved to another city. much too busy for me. and then it all changed. and i still have had no closure and i wish i could.

but kathy. i know she means well but i just want her to be free. we both have walls up; unfortunately with each other too. i wish we didn't because there are so many things to find out about ourselves and maybe trusting each other long enough to let those walls down we could become what each of us needs.

i've had too much time on my hands today. thankfully i finished a book so i'll be starting a new one tomorrow. right now, i feel like i want an adventure. i need something to spark me.

movies

yesterday tony introduced me to a new video store.

i am in love.

they have THE best selection i have ever seen in my life. anything you could ever ask for is there. i am so glad i dont have to go to family video anymore! we ended up renting '2 days in paris' and 'into the wild'. '2 days in paris' was good. the ending sort of ruined it for me though. the previews were much better than the actual movie. it was funny and highly sarcastic, but there was a lot of bickering in it and it got a little old after a while. still a decent movie. 'into the wild' has become one of my favorite movies. it was so good. everything about how that movie was made was really interesting. and then to find out that it was a true story made the movie that much better. it really made me think about things. i think it gave both me and tony a new perspective on life in general. everyone should go see it! i feel more motivated and inspired now. so hopefully i will be able to get off my ass and just DO!

the days are just dragging

i cannot wait for this weather to mellow out. the snow one day/50 degree one day back-and-forth is really wearing on me.

soon we are getting rid of our cable. we think it will motivate us to actually starting DOing things again.

i have a whole lot of fun festivals and art shows to keep us busy this spring and summer. hopefully they will all be worth going to. i guess it's what you make it..

this month i will be focusing on cardio. last month was all pilates. yesterday was my first day and i'm sore! mainly my calf area but that is to be expected since i have bad calfs.

my grandpa went to the doctor a little while ago and is in full remission! that is the best news of the year so far.

i am dying to see my family. i miss alyssa and caleb so much it hurts. they are growing up so quick without me around and i just want to play with them! soon enough...alyssa turns one this weekend so i will be going "home" the weekend after. it will be nice to see everyone and spend some time with my family.

i have been dreaming (sleeping and not) of playing soccer. it's literally killing me. i want to play so bad. i wish i had a friend here that played. or i wish my brothers lived closer and we could play on an indoor team. i dont think i could do it all alone!!

i think i will be able to pay off my credit card bill by next month. lordy, i hope so. then i can really start paying off my student loans AND saving some other money up just because. vacation money or something.

i have family from czech coming here in june. we have a lot planned and i'm excited! they will be here for almost a whole month!

ok. work time!

loser

no one wants to cut my hair and no one wants to hang out with me. i suck.

all over the place

1. i currently have an ulcer. the entire weekend was spent laying around with a heating pad on my stomach. come to find out, the medication i take for my (period) cramps causes ulcers. yay for me. on top of that i have an entire mouth full of canker sores. i haven't done any research on this, but i'm wondering if it has to do with the stomach ulcer. canker sores are mouth ulcers. they could go hand in hand. and looking back, i think every time i've had an ulcer i've also had canker sores to accompany it.

2. i finally got to the end of the sopranos series. i know, it's been a long time since the final one aired on tv. regardless, i watched it on sunday. it was a big disappointment. to be honest i'm not sure how i feel about it...i almost feel like the entire restaurant thing was a thought...who knows.

3. i started working out last week. i'm doing pilates three times a week now. i have been feeling better already.

i'm pretty sure there was something else, but i cant think straight right now. i'm not in the mood for work. and i have a feeling it's going to be a loooong day.

finished tattoo

alright, here's my finished, healed tattoo. i think it looks pretty damn good.

ink

three sittings and a total of seven or eight hours and my tattoo is finally done. it looks gorgeous and amazing. a complete piece of art. it seriously looks so close to the original i am amazed every time i see it. aaron ruby is a fantastic tattoo artist and i'm honored he did this piece for me. as soon as it heals maybe i'll post a photo. it's pretty swollen, red and sore still.

speaking of swollen, red and sore; my baby toe is fucked up! i dont understand because it was fine when i went to bed and now that i have woken up it is a mess. i'm not sure what happened but it really hurts.

i suppose it's time to get ready for the day. my only week day off and i have a lot of stuff i need to do, even though i'd rather sit around and relax and heal today.

family bonding

sunday we planned on having a pretty relaxed day. we had to get the mive tshirt/hoodie orders ready to be shipped but other than that we were going to do nothing. around 2pm we get a call from traci (tony's sister) asking all sorts of questions about cartilage piercings. i talked to her for a minute..and within that time she told me that her mom wanted to get her cartilage pierced. i told her that i usually go to eternal which is down the street from my house. both tony and i wanted to witness his mom getting pierced so they said they'd come pick us up.

maybe it's not that funny but i thought it was hilarious that at 51 years old, my mother-in-law wanted to get a piercing!

anyway, the night before we had all been talking about me getting a medusa piercing...i've been thinking about it for years but wasn't sure. there has been a lot of talk about it lately. so sunday tony said "maybe it's a sign!" so i decided to make it a bonding experience and get pierced with my mother-in-law.

they picked us up and we headed over to eternal. mom went first; not too bad she said! traci had decided to get an industrial so she went second. she didn't really like it hahah. she got ghost white and felt sick so the piercer, vanessa, gave her a glucose tablet. once she got some color back in her skin it was my turn. i have never had a facial piercing and i was afraid it was going to hurt like hell. tony and mom sat in there with me (traci is not one for needles hahah) as i got pierced and i gotta say, it was not bad! the worst part was when vanessa put the jewelry in it. but really, i have had no bleeding and today is the first day it's been swollen and even then it's not bad. i feel like i have had this forever.

i've always wanted to get a facial piercing. when i was much younger i wanted my labret pierced but a few years ago i really wanted a medusa. and i'm really glad i got it. i honestly dont know how long i'll keep it but for right now, it fits.

so i dont forget

yesterday i woke up and felt really disoriented and drunk almost. i couldn't really see straight or focus or anything. tony had called (which ended up waking me up) around 11 am. i never sleep that long so that was strange too. he told me to look up some symptoms online so i did. while i was online i just all of a sudden started crying. which turned to screaming. which turned to a huge panic attack. i just freaked out. i was on the floor trying to call tony and i was just completely out of control. i was really scared because i had no idea what my body was doing. tony rushed home from work and i was still on the floor..covered in snot and drool. i was so embarrassed and didn't want my husband to see me like that. after a while he calmed me down and called my doctor...it ended up being that i was having prescription drug withdrawals. i had forgotten to take my medication saturday and sunday, and it really messed me up on monday. i dont think i have ever been that scared before. i thought i was going to die. i wasn't sure if i was having something major happen to me or not. i didn't realize you could have withdrawals from a prescription.

today i'm feeling much better. my forehead hurts...almost like it's bruised. i'm a little out of it but not really bad compared to yesterday! now that i know what happens i'm going to have to be extra careful to take my medicine when i'm supposed to so that doesn't happen again!

2008

so far, 2008 has brought many new things.

1) this blog
2) my hair color
3) a car for my husband

well, that may not be too many things. regardless, i'm glad it's a new year. 2007 was beginning to wear on me. there were many stressful events that happened; particularly at the end of the year. not saying this year has been any better! hopefully things will settle into place shortly and i will have pressure lifted off my shoulders.

i really plan on using this as a way to keep track of my thoughts and events. i figured i needed something new (no more livejournal).

ps. i have been craving fried chicken today. i need a vegan recipe!