update

this is how i feel about the past weekend :)


was very busy this weekend, but in a good way. we had a bbq, we went to a bbq, got to hang out with good friends that i wish i could see more and good friends that i haven't seen in a long time.

tried out red pepper deli in northville (delicious raw food) while on a picnic. got nori rolls and the raw tacos. so fucking good!


he's so handsome


went to the detroit zoo and hung out with some animals i dont usually spend time with. i'll post photos after i go through them.

fell in love with irises...and will hopefully soon plant some in the yard! probably photos for some of those too...they had a whole section of irises at the zoo and there were colors i have never seen before and i loved them all.

watched a beautiful, beautiful movie called bella. the actors were all beautiful, along with the storyline and cinematography...i seriously loved everything about this movie. which does not happen very often.

i only work two days this week and i have the weekend off because i'm going to cedar point. it'll be nice to spend the weekend with my family and get to have fun on the roller coasters!

picture post

i was going through my wedding photos to look for something to rasterbate for our living room wall. it is currently blank because we did some re-arranging and wanted something new but i've been too lazy to create something. anyway, i look at my wedding photos and i hardly recognize the person in them. it's been almost two years since then and i can't believe how much i have changed.

i dont ever remember seeing this photo but for some reason i like it:


in the end, this is the image i rasterbated: (i hope it turns out cool)

this is what i look like today: (i absolutely looove my new hair color)


and my new green eyeshadow:


breakfast every morning:

fin.

this made me giggle all the way home

imagine me. little ole me (i know i'm not little but i feel little when i wear a sun dress). riding home from work on my cute little baby blue scoot scoot. in my cute little white helmet. in a cute little pink and white and blue sun dress. minding my own business. stopped at a red light. all of a sudden SURROUNDED by a pack of huge biker dudes. waiting patiently at the red light that lasts forever. them revving their big-bike engines. me feeling tiny in my dress (who wears a dress on a bike??). seriously, completely, 100% surrounded by big motorcycles! and little ole me, right smack dab in the middle.

it made me giggle..you should too!

sometimes i really hate thinking of titles

i dont ever, ever, ever watch tv. we got rid of our cable months ago and it has been heaven. no more relying on filling empty space with junk. no more wasting precious time with useless crap.

jason mraz was supposed to be on american idol tonite. i was real excited. then i saw it. and it sucked.

end of story. hah. and then someone died.

:/

in other news, i had a shitty day. it ended well, with awesome end-of-the-day clients, lots of cash, and a refreshing scoot ride home.

on the way to work i had a small wardrobe malfunction. it was super nice out and i wanted to wear a dress to work. but i also wanted to ride my scooter. so i opted for this cute little number:

sorry for the awesome quality. i didn't feel like taking a thousand photos to get something great. this will have to do. anyway, this is one of my favorite belts. it's black satin and looks like a cumberbund. normally i just tie it in a bow and i'm good for the day! well, apparently if you are riding a scooter the wind will untie your belt while you are driving. i almost lost my belt! luckily i grabbed it just as it was coming off! needless to say, i felt like an idiot. i then had to pull over and re-tie my belt with a knot so i could finish my ride to work.

PS. i fully take back what i said about jason mraz's performance on american idol.

rant

i have a problem.
sometimes the internet is the devil.
or maybe my curiosity/boredom is the devil.


i think i'm finding out who my "real" friends are.
which, sadly, is not that many.
everyone else are just fair-weather friends.
and that makes me sad.


could people STOP playing games with me?!
wtf.

lets think positive here

i got so wrapped up in the shitty stuff this week that i totally just remembered i bought jason mraz tickets! he's finally coming to detroit and i cant fucking wait!!!

also, i heart my family.

couple more zoo photos

day four

of my yeast free diet.

blows.

i'm craving shit i haven't had in years.

my body hurts so bad that i have a hard time sitting/standing up.

i have terrible cold/allergy symptoms like whoa. and i'm exhausted.

i miss bread.

i miss beer.

i miss feeling full.

blehh

i started crying at the grocery store while trying to find something to eat for this diet.
the vitamins alone are going to make me broke.

i wish vitamins were covered by insurance!

i have to stop thinking about food like i live for it. or else i will never get past this frustration.

i haven't meditated since i've been back from florida. i feel out of whack.


my spirit guide is an elephant. this guy walked right over to me while at the zoo from across his area. stayed and hung out for almost ten minutes! i wish i could go back to that...

positive thinking

i got a colonic this morning.
i have candida (allergy to yeast).
my life is changing rapidly..

i feel stressed out and too busy..

deep breath, right?


this little baby was born this year. cutie, no?

florida top ten (in no particular order)

1. being able to relax
2. laying on the beach
3. seeing adam for the first time in almost five years
4. going to the zoo
5. meeting adam's friends
6. drinking beer when i wanted
7. mellow mushroom
8. reading constantly
9. sushi
10. feeling free

worst thing about my florida trip?

burnt feet!

back to reality

florida was awesome. it was exactly what i needed. i had a great time by myself, with adam, and with the locals. i'm exhausted and dont feel like getting into details but i'm so glad i got to go when i did. as glad as i am to be home, in my own bed, i miss florida, and i miss adam! and i for sure miss the weather. really? coming back to cold and rain?! bleh.

now that's a genuine smile right thur

TODAY IS THE DAY!

finished reading the secret! (i was skeptical at first but it was fucking good)

aveda is hosting a contest where you can win a free trip to nyc, for a class with a master colorist, includes the cost of the class, airfare, hotel, plus almost $800. i'm the only one from work trying to win it. i've been busting my ass to get all the services in that i needed! when i got into work today, all i had to get was two moisture treatment add-ons. i said "i'm getting them both today" and guess what?! i got both of them today! so i have to get my form signed tomorrow saying i did everything, and i have to send in my sheet and i am going to win that fucking trip!

right after i told everyone the news, a girl at work handed me an envelope, with my paycheck! i didn't even realize today was payday!

on top of all that, i sealed some more florida plans!

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT!!

i will feel better

it's been about a week since i have taken my effexor.
unfortunately i have had to take xanax a few times a day to help get rid of the withdrawls.
i felt good alllll day yesterday until later at nite. my head started tunneling and my vision started trailing. on top of that (which have all been normal this whole process) i have started getting the shakes and muscle spasms.
it's very frustrating.

how long does it take to get out of your body completely?! i dont know how much more of this i can put up with!

so much is going on

1. my skin is breaking out again, like whoa. why is this happening right before i turn 30??

2. my grandpa got put in a nursing home. i dont know what exactly i've updated in here but last week he fell again and broke his hip. got surgery. and now he and my grandma can't take care of him so he's in a nursing home. blows.

3. i booked my flight for florida today. i'm super stoked! (on a side note, tony told me to get a new swimsuit for the trip and he helped me pick one up yesterday. it's real cute.)

4. last weekend i went out to royal oak, bar hopping. this is me right before i almost got my ass kicked:

bitch please, i so could have taken her!

5. been ridin my lil scoot scoot like crazy lately! got some sweet ass farmers burn yesterday while doing so.

not the best picture, i know..but all i had on me was my little camera and i dont really know how to use the settings cuz it's fairly new. doesn't matter, she's beautiful!

6. i have cancelled all my personal appointments this week. they can all wait until i get back, dammit. something i am doing when i get back is getting a colonic. fuckin nuts. i wonder what it will be like? i guess it takes like an hour or so. not sure how i feel about gettin mah poo sucked out my ass for an hour. hah!

7. after a really, really, incredibly rough week last week i am trying my hardest to be positive this week. so far, so good. think positive thoughts, people!

i'm coming whether you want me to or not.

florida is on the horizon.

of week of me and just me; fixing my heart, soul, and head.

remembering the times of bliss and love and fun; finding freedom and myself again.

knowing that everything happens for a reason, i will go where i want to go, and do what i want to do.

and i will know that everything will be ok.

just when i thought it was over

i almost decided to give up. on hope, on dreams, on mankind, on everything..

but today is earth day so i'll give it another chance.

i'm getting frustrated with some of my friendships lately. hell, i think i've been frustrated with just about everything in life lately. but friends are supposed to be there for you and i'm just not getting that.

i want a break. vacation. someone come take me away?

i've been really busy

so busy that i need a break! it's nice to be pre-occupied sometimes, but i haven't had a minute to just relax all week. hopefully next week will be a little more mellow.

other than that, i just want to say that tare panda is the cutest!!
love him to bits! i played with him for hours on friday and watched him eat and store food. it's super cute.

also, i found my black flip flops..hah! i found another storage box full of shoes and they were in that one. :)

um.

i have a whole lot of shoes. i mean, lots. it's slightly a problem but even if i don't wear them and i love them i just need to have them to look at!

and when it comes to flip flops, i have like, one of every color. really. sometimes several of certain colors.

i pulled out a few boxes of spring shoes and i CAN NOT find a pair of effin black flip flops!!!!!

how do i not have one of the most important staples in a shoe collection?!?!?!

fuckin crazy.

i <3 my scooter

this is me taking my motorcycle endorsement test.

and yes, i passed! so i spent the day riding my scooter. it was fun, although a little chilly. but i bet that's what i'll end up doing the rest of the weekend too!

now all i have to do is take the riding test and i'll get my full license. :D

i love my family

not only did tony take such amazing care of me the entire time i've been sick, but i just got this picture and message from my brother:

"get better aunt lisa"

i love those two cuties!!

i.v.'s suck

i dont get sick very often. i try to take good care of myself..take the right vitamins, etc..

friday i went in to get tattooed and aaron was getting over a cold. he just had a slight cough. sat for three hours, went home. no big deal. a couple hours later i started getting the chills, sweating, but i was freezing...ended up with a temp of 101.

now, i dont know why exactly i got sick. i'm not saying aaron had anything to do with it. but i've sat for three hours several times and never had a problem. anyway, sometime between friday and saturday i ended up with a temp of 103 and feeling like i was going to die. my whole body hurt...joints and muscles. i've been shitting like i'm gettin a colonoscopy tomorrow! super weak...haven't eatten anything cuz i've been so nausious.

tony took me to the hospital yesterday. i was severely dehydrated. gave me an i.v. with two liters of fluid. ran a bunch of tests. cat scan to see if there was something else that was causing me pain. after a good eight-nine hours and "nothing wrong" they sent me on my way. thanks.

oh, doc also said he didn't think the tattoo situation had anything to do with it. must have been a coincidence? i have to call him today to go over some more test results. he made me shit in a bucket so he could test my poo. sick, i know. try being the poor lady that has to test it, hah!

this morning i'm feeling better. i slept a solid six hours last nite. i have strength back in my body and i'm not as achy. i ate a small bowl of cereal which is pretty much the first solid thing i've had in days. my temp is down today so i hope it doesn't spike back up, cuz that's what it's been doing.

also

is my fucking email broke?

try it: ieatmodestmouse@yahoo.com

please and thanks.

i want to sleep. on a beach. as in; i need a vacation.

i'm tired of trying
to make everything work.

and to keep in touch with people.

it's exhausting.

i'd be much easier
if things would just happen
the way they are meant to.

like now.

without me trying.

can't wait till friday, but saturday's gonna be a bitch

i used to be a "cutter". ya know, physical pain over emotional pain, bla bla.

maybe friday will take away some of my emotional pain since i'm getting tattooed.

either way i've had an emotionally exhausting weekend.

therapy sessions are getting harder and harder. more emotional and more stripping.

thanks to the lovely kat my hair is bright again. i dont feel like messing with my camera settings but it's bright orange with some blondish and reddish pieces, along with some neon orange.

it's beautiful.

this is what i look like right now:

old, grumpy, and sorta cross-eyed?

go play at the park!

i had a weirdly emotional bike ride, but finished it off with a trip to the park.

it's amazing to feel this free..

that swing was ridiculously high off the ground. it was a bit of a challenge to jump in it!

also, i must remember to meditate in nature more often. do you even realize how amazing it is to open your eyes to this after clearing your mind and grounding yourself?

shit's bananas.

i slept like an idiot last nite.

my neck hurts. and my hips are fucking killing me. i have no clue how i'm going to be able to sit through a three hour tattoo session next week.

speaking of which, i need to bake cupcakes for aaron....

the cute reason my feet hurt:


the bag behind me says it all

i need to find something to do today. it's nice out. if you're bored, check this out.

my toes are sore

and so is my heart.




beans and rice

will probably make me fart.

why can't i get a call with good news?

my mom just called me and wanted to "update" me on what's been going on...

i guess my grandpa fell twice last week so he went to the doctor to get checked out. when he got home he fell again, this time down the stairs. so now he's got two black eyes, the side of his face is all black and blue, and his body is bruised. luckily he didn't break anything...but i guess he is in bad shape. :(

i heart steve martin

i just had the most incredible session

i feel like i have learned so much about myself in the past hour.

i talked to my therapist about my reiki/chakra cleanse. i told her of the man's silhouette and of the red elephant. she gave me information about the red elephant stuff..i have to look more into it! she taught me a healing meditation. next week she's going to teach me a grounding meditation. during the healing meditation i was brought to tears. she wanted me to figure out who the man was that i saw in my in cleanse on sunday. and i figured out it was adam. it was surreal to have that sort of epiphany. and also to realize that if i did a healing meditation i could find out so much information that may be in hiding. AND also to have him come to me during a time of need to help guide me. it's such a crazy, crazy feeling...i can't even explain it..

she also told me that i am an empath. and that i need to take other's emotions as information instead of storing them as my own. she wants me to start a journal just for her and i. she'll be giving me homework every time i see her. next week i go twice...to jumpstart this whole process. i'm overwhelmed but also so very excited to see what's to come!

detox?

i woke up this morning covered in sweat. i had a dream that involved edzel, amanda, and rachel. i think ed was in it because erik and him were/are? friends. i met erik through ed. and since erik did my reiki yesterday. amanda and rachel are people i haven't talked to in a long time...old best friends of mine..i really never had closure with either of them. it's almost like my body was detoxing emotion and freeing myself from anything involving them. it's weird...it's a weird feeling...

feeling better

i've had a lull in my personality all week. i've been super anti-social, depressed, and just not feeling good. my friend erik and i decided to trade a haircut for a reiki/chakra clearing session. i did his cut on friday, he did my reiki today.

i've had reiki before, but it was more for body aches. today i was doing it for more of a spiritual thing. i didn't really know what to expect for several reasons, and i was a little nervous because i didn't know how i would react. erik said that sometimes people can remember things from the past and start crying and all that.

anyway, to make a long story short, i really enjoyed it. during it i felt extremely relaxed. i felt a warming in certain parts of my body and a feeling that i was detached almost; that body parts we detached as well. at the beginning i kept seeing a dark image of a man's silhouette. at the end i kept seeing silhouettes of animals...one in particular being a red elephant. i wonder if that means anything? after it i felt happy. i felt like something was lifted off my chest and i could think straight. i was relaxed and just plain feeling good.

and that feeling has continued since i got done! i'm really glad i did it. and i think i'd like to do it again.

i'm also happy because i talked to aaron today and i dont have to wait until he gets off tour to get my tattoo worked on again. i was supposed to get work done in june but i'm going in for a session at the beginning of april before he leaves for tour. i kept my june appointment in case i need it later. even if it gets done during this next session i think i may keep the june appointment and either start my left hip or get my cupcakes done! can't wait!!

bad news bears

my grandpa has cancer again. it's back in his bladder (for what, the third or fourth time?). i guess he just goes to the doctor every three months and they take out all the cancer spots they find and hope that it doesn't spread again? my mom is talking like he wont be around much longer so i guess we'll have to see. i know he is super weak and doesn't really seem to be with it anymore. it's really sad :(

i have six doctors appointments this month

not fun. a few of them are chiropractor appts, one is my normal doctor, one is my neurologist, and the one i'm most anxious over is my shrink. i start therapy on tuesday. i'm nervous but excited...she practices cognitive behaveral therapy and i'm curious to see how i react with it. i suppose i shall soon find out....

jay isn't doing so well. since thursday he's been lethargic and not really eatting. tony fed him some of frogwaard's bloodworms friday and saturday, but that's all he's eatten and it's not much. a few minutes ago he was fucking upside down in the corner of the tank, just sitting there. sounds to me like he's got swim bladder or something, but there's not really anything you can do about it. i hope he makes it...i can't bare to lose another fishy!!

when we got to mattawan last night we headed over to shawn & jen's house. he's been out of town all week and didn't feel like going out anywhere so we just chilled at their house. i stopped at the store and they didn't have any beer i like so i decided to surprise jen with a trip down memory lane...and i purchashed a bottle of strawberry boone's farm. DELISH! hahaha. i'm not used to drinking something so sweet and by the time the bottle was gone i had a mild upset stomach.

either way, we have fun playing cards and talking. jen had just bought a deck of uno cards from the flea market. they were obviously not real uno cards! they were weird feeling and really thin. there was also a blank one so i decided to make my own card. good times, good times! sometimes i really miss hanging out with my family.

and i also miss this little cutie pie! rain has gotten so cuddly and sweet i just love her! it just makes me sad that she's deaf and ends up getting hurt all the time.

it's actually really strange...she wags her tail so much and it's so forceful that she constantly splits her tail open and her white fur ends up splattered in red!

so today was alyssa's 2nd birthday. i ended up napping during cake and presents (oops!) so i have no photos. i went to their house early to give haircuts to shawn and caleb.

bless him...he's such a doll but he used to HATE me because i did hair. he was terrified of it for some reason and wouldn't come near me. shawn has always used clippers to cut his hair and recently he expressed a huge dislike for the noise of the clippers and didn't want his hair cut. last time i was in town he shockingly let me cut his hair with scissors. i didn't have mine on me so i had to use some shitty pair that my mom had lying around. it was annoying but while i was cutting his hair he wanted to look in a mirror and he kept telling me what a good job i was doing and how much he liked his hair. so fucking cute! so today was no different. he was excited because i brought a cape for him to wear. he told me he wanted to keep it for next time i cut his hair. i love my family so much!!

(things are) hopefully getting back to normal

basically, tony and i have been having some problems lately. we've spent the past month or so trying to figure something out that works. anyway, yesterday he decided to take the day off. we had a whole day date and it was really, really nice.

after pancakes for breakfast we drove to the ann arbor conservatory.

haven't been there in close to two years and it was really pretty! it was awesome to be in engulfed in warm air for a few hours!

then we stopped at zingermans for lunch. it was delicious. i looove that place. went to a couple shops, got a rino zipper pull, and on the way home stopped at the bakery for some vegan ding dongs. i wish i knew how to make the creme filling they use! it's fluffy and sticky and marshmallowy. i am going to have to try to make my own! we also found this really cool jewelry shop in ann arbor right in kerrytown. they had beautiful stones and tony bought me an amber ring. it's amazing. in fact, the whole day was amazing. it was the first time in a long time where things felt like they always used to feel. i hope that means there are more of those days to come!

i have also told tony i would look for a therapist. which is what i need to do right at this moment. i work at noon and tomorrow i work all day and i need to get it done this week. bleh. wish me luck!

right now i'm watching swingers

i haven't seen this movie in forever and everyone looks super young.

we had a good weekend..pretty much hung out with matt and rachelle. went to inn season for dinner saturday night. it was really good. i haven't been there in at least three years and it was delicious but expensive. sunday we went with them to a dinosaur museum! i love dinosaurs and it was really interesting and fun.

there was a lot of cool skeletons of lots of different prehistoric animals. there was also some other random things...like this "collage" of bugs. if you just glanced at it, it looked like some kind of artwork. but if you looked up close it was spiders and beetles and bats and butterflies and moths. it was totally creepy!

see? weird..

upstairs from the dino exhibit we went to space.

it was a good day/weekend. busy but fun. i was feeling a little weird on sunday but that does tend to happen. my moods are always up and down lately. but it was still nice to hang out with good friends!

when dreams come true

last nite i had a dream that a very old friend contacted me.

i got up and checked my email and i got a myspace message from him.

it's not like it's a big deal...but i just dont really know how to respond. we quit talking years ago...and as i recall it was kind of a blow out. but we have known each other for about ten years in total. i dont know. i just dont know what to think.

not only that, but i also got an email from edzel as well. soo yeah. it's been a weird morning so far.

i didn't go out last thursday because i needed a break, but i can not wait until this thursday. i need it!

no joke!

i.cannot.wait.for.summer!

i will not waste a moment of it!!!

i've been busy

considering we're going through a recession, work has still been busy. when i'm not at work i'm crocheting two separate projects, and doing a ton of reading. i've gone through at least 3 books in two weeks and it's nice to feel that accomplishment again. things in general are making me feel good.

i decided to cut out of my cleanse early. i started the beginning of january and stopped it a couple days ago. it was a three-part cleanse and i did the first two parts, the second being a liver cleanse. considering i have gilbert's syndrome i thought it would be a good thing, but i think it just screwed with my body more! dont get me wrong, the cleanse did amazing things while i was on it. but it also was the culprit of my breaking out. when i figured that out and stopped doing it, my skin literrally started clearing up the next day.

i also just got the first session of my new tattoo done. it looks amazing already. the outline and most of the shading is done....it'd be awesome to get the whole thing done in two sessions instead of three!

all in all, things are good, and i have the next two days off work. well, tony started run lola run early so i guess that's it for now!

i'm fed up.

my skin has gone completely haywire. it's seriously worse than when i was in middle school/high school. i hurt and i hate to look in the mirror. tony told me tonite that my skin is literally changing daily. i feel like i have almost run out of options. i was seriously considering getting on accutane but i'm a bit freaked out. i found a vitamin online that is supposed to be the "natural" accutane. tony wants me to try that so i just ordered it. cost me nearly $200 but it does have a 90 day guarantee so if it doesn't work i can send it back. i'm nervous, but i really hope this works. i am to the point where i don't even want to leave my house. ugh...i hate vanity!!

keep your fingers crossed!!

i think i figured it out

i hate my life. simple as that.

i keep trying to make positive changes because i hate myself.

i'm not happy with the person i am and i'm not happy with the person i'm trying to be.

that means i'm just not happy.

sometimes i wish i was 18 again and could just run away for a while.

i am emotionally exhausted.

"We've got to live in the world together"

.........Homer said. "And we got to care about each other."

this from the man who had to identify his brother's frozen corpse.

this story saddens me. it makes me sick to my stomach to think that people could walk next to a dead body and not do anything about it. just read the story and the followup.

what is wrong with people?

when are we going to realize that the world cannot run on hate and ignorance?

i dream too much

last nite it was about me winning a date with jason mraz. by the end of the date he was in love with me and he kissed me. *swoon*

i must have woken up (as i usually do) and fell back asleep to start another dream. my dad had a "pet" white tiger and the tiger mauled me. but i lived through it.

there were several others but nothing too exciting to report.

i'm sick of all the dreams....

i tried

after a lot of thought and consideration, i decided it'd be best to get off my medication (effexor).

after an even longer time, after all the thinking and considering, i made an appointment with my doctor.

which was today.

lets just say it didn't go as planned. i explained that i was sick of having no sleep due to crazy dreams and night sweats. he said sometimes when you're on a high dose it can do that....that maybe i needed my dosage adjusted. i said i was sick of not wanting to have sex. he said he can't help with that. effexor is one of those medications that you can't just stop taking. i found that out the hard way months ago, on accident. i had forgotten to take my pill one day, and the next day i thought i was dying. i had a horrible panic attack and severe withdrawals. tony came home to me on the floor shaking and in hysterics. covered in tears and snot and drool. basically, it was not fun at all.

anyway, my doctor told me that it took a long time for me to start feeling better. that he thinks i need something to keep me even. that he's afraid if i stop taking medication completely then i will be worse off than i was before.

just sayin....
:(

i've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind

let's face it ya'll...i've been stressin. the past few weeks i have had this indescribable pit in my gut. this uneasy feeling that i can't seem to get rid of. emotionally and internally drained. unfortuneatly i cant quite put my finger on it, so i just keep on truckin.

i thought today was my first day of feeling better, until i ended up completely overwhelmed and giving myself a mild anxiety attack. great way to start off the new year!

lets get on a positive note. christmas was good. ok really, but it's fine. i dont expect much from family get togethers anymore. :) i love them dearly but it's almost always stressful as hell. i received two of the most sweetest gifts for christmas: one, the jason mraz photography book from my mom (which i already had, but bless her, she was really thinking of me!), and two, a handmade bookmark from tony. he had cory help him make it which makes me love it that much more. two of my favorite boys! anyway, it's amazing and i love hand-made presents because they always show the most love. i feel like i can see the process of tony making it for me everytime i see it...it's really beautiful.

as for new years eve, i never plan much anymore. i dont really celebrate it like i used to. to me it's just another day. i woke up with a migraine and felt horrible about not going work because i'm sure i fucked people over but there really wasn't anything i could do about it. i'm sorry everyone! i love all of the clients i was supposed to do yesterday. after sleeping the day away i awoke around 7pm feeling a bit better. i wore sunglasses the rest of the nite. matt and hans brought over some delicious vegan pizza from a place by matt's house. they have vegan cheese and pepperoni and everything! it was so good! also helps that they put seseme seeds on the crust...mmmm! cory and janelle came over too and played some board games. it was very low key but fun and the only thing i would have changed was that rachelle didn't have to work and could come over..and of course that i didn't feel like crap. i heard somewhere that the way you spend your new years eve is the way your year will go...and i hope this year is fun and laid back and spent with people i really care about!

for christmas i also got this workout dvd...it's got some yoga and kickboxing but it really is more of a workout for your insides. mind and soul. i really enjoyed it! it was fun and different and even though it was completely cheesy, i felt really fucking good after the 80-some minute session. my body is sore and i feel a bit more free and happy so i couldn't ask for anything else.

one more day off work till i go back. i will be spending it baking my little heart out, preparing about four-dozen cupcakes for a vegan potluck that i'm going to on saturday. delicious food, and friendly people, and i'm really excited.

happy new year!

i haven't had time to collect my thoughts.

in fact, i dont really have time right now, either.

right now i'm sitting in the living room listening to zeppelin. i dont know which thing is more uncommon...the living room internet-ing or the zeppelin. i'm glad to have wireless finally...it took a while but it's up and running. after ditching bright house completely we went with at&t wireless and no cable at all. it's been nice, really. more time to focus on important things, right?

last weekend kat and i drove almost seven hours to get to milwaukee, wisconsin. our motive was a jason mraz concert. it was one of the best weekends i've ever experienced..in so many ways. seeing jm live was more than i could have asked for, but unfortuneately left me asking for more. we checked out the bar scene, met a lot of locals, and had an all around great time. milwaukee is kind of a weird city, but i definately would consider going back. the day we left we got tattooed by greg at custom tattoo. he's really cool and laid back and likes to tell jokes. he made us comfortable and gave us both an amazing tattoo and experience. i think the only downfall of the whole trip (besides kat being scared as fuck to drive in a little snow) was the subway we stopped at for dinner on the way home. it was just north of chicago and my sandwich artist insisted that a footlong veggie sub gets six black olives, and anything more than that he'd have to charge me extra for. needless to say i'm glad i got a footlong, because it was really just all bread i had. dipshit.

a week later with my tattoo almost healed, my constant desire to listen to jm cds, and christmas around the corner, and i feel pretty damn good. looks like 29 isn't so bad after all...

my dad is hilarious

a couple weeks ago my parents came up to visit and my dad saw a list of stuff tony has to do hanging up above my office desk. he decided to modify it:

happy birthday to me

i just have to say that the week i turned 29 was one of the most memorable weeks of my life.

on my birthday, not only did tony take the day off work so we could hang out, go get brunch at seva, and go shopping in ann arbor, we also went to jackson to meet the family so we could spend dinner together. and dont forget, hans came out with us to the bar after that! i have never been to the bar on my birthday before and i didn't stay long because some plans fell through, but i will say it was cool to get free beer from the bartender just because i was born.

the rest of the weekend was busy but nice...all of it ending on sunday at my surprise birthday party. all my closest friends were there and it was seriously the sweetest thing tony could do for me.

not to mention the week before he surprised me at a party we were at and got me the most delicious vegan cake i have ever had!

i know i'm leaving out most details but it was such a good week and i just needed to remember how important my friends and family are to me.

one of the many reasons i love JM

A change IS going to come

Last year Bob Dylan compiled a song list for Starbucks’ Artist Choice Series. In addition to offering up a keen selection of country, blues, and jazz, he also supplied notes and commentary as to why he held the songs in such regard. BUT, the best part was the forward.

He wrote, "When I was asked to put together this collection of songs, I wasn't sure what to do. So I just grabbed a bunch of things I was into recently. Some people have favorite songs, but I've got songs of the minute -- songs that I'm listening to right now. And if you ask me about one of those songs a year from now, I might not even remember who did it, but at the moment it's everything to me.”

I bring this up as today’s lesson: Nothing is final. One day you’re high. The next day you’re low. You might have a funky, expressive, or awful haircut today, but soon it will grow into something else, something new and random. Maybe you grew up liking pop music and boy bands, but now you like a specific mash up of Electronic & Classical. You might decide you don’t want to smoke cigarettes anymore; that it’s just not who you are. Maybe you were a staunch republican but now have curiosities about the well-spoken and well-organized Democratic Nominee. Perhaps you were madly in love last week, but woke up today feeling comfort in solitude, without a desire to be held.

Everything is fine. Not finAL.

We tend to instantly identify with “things.” And we believe in so much, when in fact, a belief isn't known to be true. It's a hope for the truth. We hold grudges because of what someone said when we were young. We store hurtful words and replay them in our minds until we think it to be true. And some of us believe a TV commercial and think we need a faster computer, a smarter phone, a stronger pill, a more relaxed-fit jean, etc. We think that certain things, thoughts, or actions make us who we are and sometimes we become addicted to those thoughts or behaviors and then become too afraid to let them go.

I write and post a lot therefore many people assume I have every self-published word memorized or that I live these shared thoughts constantly. This is not the case. My brain doesn’t reference myself very well actually, and I’m sure I contradict myself every other day in one way or another. One day I feel like I have all the wisdom of the world and the next day my soul wears thin and I stutter just ordering ice cream.

And everything is fine.

Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of. These meanderings, rants, and blogs for instance, provide a great deal of comfort just sharing it, even though i put a part of myself on the line to be criticized or considered an ass.
Oh well, Courage is triumph of the soul is guess. and an Ass can still be of great service.

So Remember, You have the right to change your mind.

About anything.

Anytime.

This is not the ending.

P.S. – No doesn’t mean forever. It simply means, “Not right now.”

And on the topic of Not right now, whatever happened to you in the past is not happening now.

You will be safe behind your honest decisions and mood swings.

I promise.
-mraz
Berlin

we love him...we want to marry him...

my best friend gave me some of the best news i've had in a while the other day. she bought us tickets for my birthday to see jason mraz! my birthday is not until oct 23rd, and the show is not until nov 21st. but this is a truely fantastic surprise.

i've always listened to jason (yes, we are on a first name basis). and although i usually listened to it when i was in a cheery mood, because of the pop factor, i've always enjoyed his music. this last album he put out was completely different from the others. there was personal growth involved...self exploration and figuring things out. and this album came out when i was feeling the same things. things he sang about made sense to me and along with all the other things in my life, i started to feel like i was understanding things again. so for me, to see him live will be exciting and emotional.

so as of right now, the plan is for kat and i to leave after work thursday night. we'll drive to my parents house in kalamazoo area, sleep there for the night, and get up the next morning and make our way to milwaukee. we'll get there in time for exploring the city a little and checking into our hotel. for only $60 a night we get a comfy bed and aveda bath/hair products! not only that, but we will be a mere .06 miles from the venue. i think we may try to meet him...we both have these huge school-girl crushes on him. it's a little ridiculous when you see us together, talking about him. it's like we're in sixth grade again haha. saturday after we check out of the hotel, we're looking into getting tattooed (shhhh) and having a fun ride home. i kinda wish we had time to stop at chicago diner on the way! mmmmm

i think this may be the longest month of my entire life!

and it all comes back

i finally got to the feeling like my life is in order.

up until about a week ago.

shit's been blowing up like crazy. i'm starting to dig myself back into that hole that took me sooo long to get out of. i'm having a hard time breathing and i just don't know if i can save myself this time.

i would really like to have a new perspective. and someone to whisk me away from it all.

a couple things i forgot to mention

1. i got a great promotion at work. it started august 16th. i am now a level 1 stylist. which means more money and no more assisting! finally!! i'm very proud of myself for getting to this level so quickly.

2. i made a list a long time ago (maybe in beauty school?) of things i wanted to do before i died. one of the things was sing karaoke. so yeah, i sang karaoke. it was a lot of fun! tony and tim were there, and kat was on "stage" with me. along with a girl that tim is friends with. the first song was "get low" by lil jon. i think i laughed most of the time because that song is just dirty! i have never heard it before, so i didn't know the lyrics until that night. the second song was "ice ice baby" by vanilla ice. it was pretty damn good. :)

other than those things i forgot to mention in my last post, things have been good. a few weeks ago i felt like i "woke up" and i've been a much happier person.

that is all!

things suck/quick update

1. my cousin, his wife, and their two 21 year-old twin boys came to visit for the month of june. it was fun and nice to see my czech side after so many years. the last time i was in czech was 15 years ago. looks like i will be returning, finally, in 2010.

2. i have been having health problems and no one seems to know what's wrong. i go back to the doctor, again, after another series of blood tests to see if they can find some answers. so far they think i have fibromyalgia. i think that is a made-up "disease" and i have convinced myself i have leukemia.

3. i found out a couple weeks ago that i am bipolar. yippee. lets throw a party.

4. my mother and i are going to see rod stewart on wednesday. i never thought this moment would come, but now it's finally here and i dont really seem to care.

5. two close friends of ours are getting married friday. i hope it's fun and of course a good time. i'm really happy for them.

6. i have agreed to go to my 10-year high school reunion this saturday. my brother and his wife have conned me into going and now i am dreading it. what the fuck did i get myself into??

7. my best friend is in chicago for the weekend and i got a text message from her saturday nite telling me she missed me and every song she heard at the bar reminded her of me. then i got on myspace today and she wrote on her profile "so...i'm moving to chicago". must not miss me that much! i think i would feel like my heart got ripped out if she moved.

8. we bought a tempur-pedic mattress on wednesday and i am in love.

*sigh*

so. to make a really long story short, my bff (kat) went on a couple dates with this guy and he's a really douche bag asshole. he got in a car accident, really bad...was in a coma and everything. and her cousin's new step-sister was in the car too. she's ok. anyway, at first they said he was drunk, now they are saying he wasn't. anyway, he's in the hospital still and kat is super upset about the whole thing. she called off plans with me yesterday because of it. and today she told me she isn't going to cedar point with me in three weeks. i'm not quite sure what is going on but i know that sitting at home sulking and being upset is not the answer. i just feel lost and like i dont know what to do. i know i'm leaving a lot out but i'm just way too tired to write out the whole story. i dont know why kat is so upset over this. the guy was a jerk and she knows it. and her step-cousin is fine.
i've been thinking a lot lately that i dont understand people anymore. and i dont think i ever will.

i hate people

a couple weeks ago i got in an argument with a girl i work with, j. basically she still hasn't gotten over it. so saturday i pull my boss aside and tell her i dont know how to deal with monday because we work together. so i guess at the end of the day on saturday j went up to my boss and said she was afraid to work with me on mondays because it's just us two. she said that when we got in the argument i "poked" her or "touched" her or something. so my boss called me today saying we needed to talk.

so basically i'm getting the feeling that my boss is believing j over me. which is total bullshit because i never fucking touched her. i told my boss that yes, i did point at her, but i also pointed at myself. i also did a lot of other things with my fucking hands because i use my hands a lot every time i talk. so now my boss wants all three of us to sit down and work this out and i dont even want to. i'm fucking done. i'm sick of everyone starting rumors and i'm sick of all the people that work there that are back stabbers and liars.

will it be different at another salon? or am i just not cut out to do hair because of all the drama that comes with it? i seriously dont know what to do here. i only have one other salon i could get a job at...because i really want to stay with aveda and there aren't that many aveda salons around here. i just feel lost and hurt and confused. i want this to be over. i feel like if i go back to what i used to do, then i'm wasting $10,000 that i owe for beauty school. i just feel so fucked right now.

i need a haircut

it's not that it's gotten too long or anything. i just need a change. i cut my hawk off last month and now it's kind of a pixie but i just need a new style. maybe some new color. but i'm uninspired.

i'm two weeks late. i'm never late. well, once, but i was pregnant at the time. that was ten years ago. wow. so in ten years i have never been late.

on top of that i have been physically and mentally exhausted. i have no energy and my body is achy. i really need to go to the doctor because i feel like something is wrong.

today was beautiful. the sun was out and the weather was perfect. i only wish tony could have been home to spend it with me. i miss him! i dont see him on thursdays and fridays i dont see him until 9pm or so.

i feel like i have been so busy lately. my days on the floor at work i've been booked. which is awesome. i'm hoping that i get on full time soon. evaluations are right around the corner!

i guess other than that things are going good. i'm excited that it's finally feeling like spring. i wish i could go on a vacation soon! i have a lot going on in june so only two months away! i also wish i had some extra cash to do some summer clothes shopping. oh well...i guess i'll continue wearing the shit i already have...

today was my first non-lazy day in a really long fucking time. i did some sewing. i still got it!

this is a bag i am using to bring my lunch to work in. this way i wont have to use plastic bags and have unnecessary trash!



this one is going to be my every day work bag. my other one was super dirty so i wanted to make a new one. in the second photo, the little red pouch is for my cell phone! easy access!